The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about making amends. I can relate to the writers description of feeling that he/she were owed amends. The idea that we, who have lived life navigating the behavior of our As, should be the ones to make amends seemed backward somehow. In my great days of martyrdom the feeling was something like I have been suffering all along, NOW I have people to apologize to?? The writer goes on then to describe the true meaning of amends- a change for the better. Like many other concepts in our program, the judgement is lifted and a gentle way to move forward in our lives with positivity is all of a sudden possible.
Once I began considering the different options for amends, such as speaking up for myself rather than saying what I think people want to hear, making choices about the situations I would participate in with family and friends, generally letting go of the idea that every issue was mine to solvemaking amends started to feel like another step toward serenity, rather than an affront to me.
Today I will think about those situations when I may need to make amends with others and for myself.
Good Morning Mary making amends is a great topic Thank you. i know that before program, my "go to" response in most negative situations was to apologize. Saying"I am sorry" was my go to response even when i had not done anything wrong . I also need to add that I did not mean the apology .It was simply an automatic response
My sponsor suggested that "amends ' was different from an apology. I needed to examine my thoughts, motives and and attitudes in a given situation. own what I had done to contribute to the negative outcome and clear the air with everyone involved. I found that most of my amends required a change in my negative judgmental attitude which HP helped me to shed with Step 7 . It is very freeing to be able to be honest, speakmy truth without pretending.or people pleasing.
This step gave me the courage to be ME. Thanks for your service.
thank you Mary, for sharing this concept. I often forget that amends doesn't mean an apology but can represent itself as new behaviors, setting boundaries, and speaking my truth. As you noted in your post, I too struggle with saying what I think people want to hear and it's biting me in the rear right now. If I had been honest with someone a few years ago, I might not be having the resentments I currently am dealing with today.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Good morning MIP! Thank you Mary for your service and for the daily. Thank you all for the shares and ESH above me. All I know is I really had to go through a transformation of self to get to a point where I could process my feelings and my needs honestly. I too was quick to say, "I'm sorry" and then expect others to be OK with me and what was up. What I discovered about me is that they were empty words, and rarely was I even sorry - I was just trying to absolve myself from being offensive or ______________.
Until I was ready to admit I was powerless over this disease, those with it and my own thinking, reactions about it, I continued with many of the same patterns of behavior, thinking, feeling, etc. It is in working the steps as best I could that I really found my own needs, my own voice and my own journey - complete and separate from others.
Today, I am a better wife, mother, sister, friend, etc. than before as I accept me and others as we are. Expectations of self and others led me down a fantasy-land path of expectations which I've hopefully left in the past. I am grateful that I can be me and allow others to be them.
Make it a great Sunday all - off to a meeting and then a rare, have-nothing-but-me day here! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
doing maintenance is what Step 10 is all about- maintaining balance...
I stopped being a goody-two shoes long ago- feeling sorry for everyone and everything... with step 11 I whittle away at the stored trauma. I introduced balanced breathing to this with great results- it is incremental and takes time... my breathing and sleeping patterns have improved heaps!
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