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My husband was sober for the first 5 years of our relationship. I never saw him use and we started dating at around 6 or 7 months sober. I didn't know the signs or any reason to look for signs. Last year he relapsed around this time. We had alot of life changes and I think he freaked and his fear brought him back to old habits. That's neither here nor there ... but after a good 6 months of relapsing he got it together a little. I still have some guilt from not noticing, but how would I i never knew him in active addiction. Supposedly hes supposed to get his 6 month chip tomorrow. But I still have fear everyday hes not being honest the paranoia is driving me crazy always trying to connect loose ends that may not even connect ... my gut tells me he is doing well... he calls his sponsor every day works his steps and attends meeting 5 to 6 times a week. My brain won't shut off and stop looking for things. We live near his mom who's in denial about his brothers active addiction. I always want to tell her what's going on because I know about it and hate feeling like I'm lying ... my husband says we shouldn't get involved and it makes me think he's keeping something too hence my brain going crazy... I'm living in a nightmare. .I've been going to school maintaining my business and working on myself but the constant need to search for something wrong won't go away ... I'm in therapy and my therapist is 30 years sober herself ...ive learned so many things about this disease read countless books I just can't get a grip on this thank you for your time peace and love to all
Welcome, Bodhismom, and (((hugs))). Its great you are reaching out here as people in Alanon understand one another better than others who do not know what living with addiction is like, whether active or not. We get heavily influenced by another's addiction and so we need help for ourselves, as we get so focused on the other person we come to abandon ourselves. Its great you are seeing a therapist who knows about addiction personally. I suggest to find out some local Alanon meetings, maybe try a few different ones to see which ones are a better fit for you. It is so worth it. I came to Alanon in state that was pretty crazy and I didn't know how to get better or even what exactly was wrong with me, but thankfully this program has helped me start finding sanity and serenity. There's a lot of conference approved Alanon literature that is great. I have at home "How Alanon works" and I think its great for getting to know this program and what it can do. There is help and hope available in this program. Keep coming back
Welcome Bodhismom I have Good News to share. You are not alone. . Alanon is a recovery program for family and friends of alcoholics. This program understands as few others can, and holds face to face meetings in most communities. Attending , you will receive the understanding, support and tools that will help you to live life to the fullest while interacting with this dreadful disease. Please check the white pages foe a listing of the main office and call for a meeting schedule. We believe that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless. This disease affects not only the drinker but the entire family and friends . Please check out the meetings and keep coming back. There is hope
I too send warm welcomes to you BM - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I can relate to where you are, and the good news is it did pass for me. I can't tell you exactly when but I can tell you that I owe the change in thinking, projecting and assuming came from working on me and my recovery.
As pointed out, this is a family disease. All that you describe is one of the ways it affects family and friends - our distorted thinking. Be gentle with you, and know that all any of us really have is today. I used to tell myself if this was my last day, how would I spend it? This helped me realize that looking for issues was just not really a great way to spend my time...
Please keep coming back - you are not alone! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome to the forum. I too spent a ton of time searching for evidence and projecting into the future the what if's. None of it started or stopped the addiction in my loved one it only served to rob me of my time and peace. I have slowly been able to lessen the "need to know" through working my own program, coming here and attending meetings. The support and fellowship from others whom know exactly what it is like has been irreplaceable.
Aloha Bodhismom and welcome to the family and yes we are one in the most beautiful sense. You are qualified to be here getting and giving support with all of us who have been kicked to the curb by alcoholism and drug addiction. We get our relief from the paranoia and other negative emotions, thoughts and behaviors one day at a time as we learn the Al-Anon program and how it works to insure that we have more serenity and sanity time and lives that the insanity we thought was permanently lodged. I never thought I would have the relief I now have and the assurance against future craziness before I got here and then I didn't know I was born and raised in the disease and that it was a normal way of living.
I got to love the motto "One day at a time" when I first arrived as I learned I was living in the past and future at the same time and transferring the problems back and forth across time zones...The only promise that was fulfilled was that it would get worse and I sicker. That is both a promise (if I don't change the things I can) and a realism as I continue to repeat behaviors, thoughts and feeling that can't and won't work.
I finally took the suggestion of getting into and practicing the 12 step, 12 tradition program and much more
Paranoia for me is industrial fear which I am happy to say the program works well against. Keep coming back this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Welcome...if you are going to face to face alanon meetings, than you will hear "you are in the right place" -- and you will also hear -- "keep coming back". In my experience, those premises are very accurate and correct. Meeting makers make it.
That said, early on, before I "found recovery" -- the relief you referred to was some far off fantasy to me. It seemed like it was a million miles away. I once described it as being some far off planet -- like Jupiter -- meaning, I knew it was there. I knew some people who have seen it, found it, know about it...but to me, it was simply a figment of my imagination. Then, I found recovery. In my experience that means different things to different people. For me, I immediately knew what recovery wasn't -- it wasn't me learning how to accept the unacceptable. It was me learning how to tolerate the intolerable. For me, what I learned -- that is not what alanon was about. So, the relief that you refer to, yes, I get it. For me, it was relief was from, yes, the paranoia. It was also relief from the angst, anxiety, the fear, the knots in my stomach, the indigestion, the constant walking on eggshells, and that proverbial waiting for the next time, that waiting for the shoe to drop so to speak.
For me, it wasn't about guilt -- because like you said, how would you know. This is a very cunning, baffling, insidious, and enigmatic disease. Forget it. Go gentle on yourself. I found that when I focused on me -- going to my meetings, doing my readings, talking to and working with my sponsor, every single day at times -- that's when I knew. It was like I was healthy, I was OK, and that's when my brain and mind and body was functioning at 100% peak, efficiency, effectiveness, etc. -- and that's when I knew. I was able to see whether or not there was -- a person being open, honest, genuine, sincere, truthful, lies, denial, negotiation, vacillation, justification, rationalization, and so on. If I was being paranoid, trying to connects dots, trying to figure it out, etc. -- then, I was NOT focusing on me. I was not in a good place or space. I had to get better. Get healthy. And when I did...that's when I knew.
I found that I forgave...but I didn't forget...and that saved my life. I had to be sensitive. Perhaps overly sensitive -- and that was OK. It's a protectionary device, measure, etc. No, it couldn't be all out paranoia, but it was good to be aware, alert, and overly sensitive to dangerous things. Give yourself time. Time takes time. Little by slowly you will make progress. Start doing the work, more work on you. Talk to your sponsor, start doing the steps yourself, learn about acceptance...that can be your answer. Acceptance...not just about alcoholism...but acceptance of you!!! And that acceptance...is just for today.
As far as the mother -- she's in denial. Let her figure it out on her own. You don't have to lie, but you also don't have to get involved and be a participant in everything that is going on. Your husband is right when he says you two shouldn't get involved -- he's trying to focus on him, not the other person, drama, chaos, turmoil, havoc, and all that comes along with it. Stop, slow down, breathe, start doing the work on YOU...and little by slowly, you will make progress. Keep going back (to face to face meetings).
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you all so much for your love and support. I ended up leaving my husband unfortunately I feel awful because I hope he finds his own recovery I can't do it for him and I was drowning. It's tough to be there from a distance because I still love him i just have to love myself more here. I feel selfish and awful because i never put myself first. I am so angry with him because I know he is still using and unfortunately this past weekend our puppy got out of the yard on his watch and got hit by a car and passed away there is so much pain and hurt and he blames himself and I know if he wasn't messed up it probably could of still happened it was an accident but I just worry for him more now than ever the depression of me leaving him and now the dog hes in a real dark spot ....and his family blames me for leaving him but they are in active addiction themselves so I'm trying to take it with a grain of salt... it's definitely tough thoigh... Thank you guys for your love and support though th
Hugs, (((Bodhismom))). I'm sorry for you puppy... I hope you keep working on yourself and lean into Alanon, especially the f2f meetings... You deserve serenity and peace of mind which this program offers. Remember that we are powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic. This took me a long, long time to learn, but now I seem to have finally accepted it, just for today.
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