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I swear I think my ah honestly just tries to tick me off most days!!!! Today is Sunday, a day where you are supposed to relax and rejuvenate for the week ahead (at least that's what is supposed to happen I think!!) My a hasn't gone to church with me in weeks. I haven't hounded him, I have been trying to let him do what he is going to do. He said this past week he was going to go with me. He has said that before and then of course not shown up. Today I went ahead and asked again (all the while telling myself I shouldn't even ask I should just leave). Anyway he said yes he was going--but dragged around,mumbling under his breath--hello even an idiot could have gotten that he didn't want to go. I sing with the Praise Band and I needed to be there at a certain time, so I ended up being late waiting for him to get his butt in gear---now I know I should have left him, but I wasn't that late--just a couple of minutes really, but what bugged me is that he was deliberately doing it!!! I tried to sluff it off. Then he keeps saying I'm just going to leave you here and come back for you. That bugged me because all he really had to do was have said no I don't want to go and I would not have asked him again--I really hadn't been bugging him about it, but I think he really just wanted to tick me off. I also didn't want him to take off, because we were in my car and I'm pretty sick and tired of him just running off with my vehicle. So then as the service was ending--still while it was supposed to quiet of course, he picked up a book I didn't recognize. I thought he had picked up someone else's Bible by mistake, so I asked him what it was and he snapped at me, it's my old Bible that my mom gave me can I not have my old Bible?! I just got up and walked out!!!! I am so tired of being snapped at and condescended for everything I do!!! I told him after church I didn't appreciate it, I was tired of being treated like dirt. So then of course he is nice for a few minutes. Then he starts to leave to go to a friend's house and he kisses me--not just a peck, but a french kiss--well he has a big ol' dip in his mouth. He just thinks that is so funny--you know if he had been teasing me and acting like he was going to kiss me with that stuff in his mouth I would have been o.k., but I felt like it was a deliberate--see I can get you and make you feel gross anytime I want to. I can make you look so stupid. I know I am probably overreacting, I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm the ground. I have been trying very hard to stay out of his business and let him go down on his own, it takes a lot out of me to sit back and watch.
It would seem to me that so much energy is wasted by trying to tick us off they might enjoy some peace and actually get along every now and then!!!
Well sorry I was ranting so much I just needed to vent. I hope you all have a good week!
Dawn does it matter why? A's are suffering a form of insanity. Not even the best psychologist can figure out most of the insane mind.
For me, I don't question anything anymore. Used to, suppose we all did or do. Even if we knew we could not change it.
My first thought is, it is what it is. If I don't like it, I am not around him.
I do know the A likes to manipulate and play games. The active A has an agenda for everything they do. The lose it and are abusive and or rude. Then uh oh I need a ride to where ever, so they are nice again.
They don't call it a roller coaster for nothing.
I chose to get off. He has to choose when he has had enough. So sometimes I just watch him go by.
"... I felt like it was a deliberate--see I can get you and make you feel gross anytime I want to. I can make you look so stupid. I know I am probably overreacting, I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm the ground. I have been trying very hard to stay out of his business and let him go down on his own, it takes a lot out of me to sit back and watch." - Hudson
You are not over-reacting! I wouldn't let him come near me, I think dip just looks disgusting w/ the bulging lower lip
As I understand their addiciton... they feel bad or guilty so they it is easier for them to hurt you, make you the "fault" of their loathing themselves, they don't have to take the responsibility for it - blame you - so you can be their justification for sinking lower into their disease.
I had to read the pamphlet: The Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic the 2 pgs where it talks about what the A's weapon's are, about 10-20 times before I could STOP falling into the traps they set like bait for us to get angry, anxious &/or guilty.
If they can get you angry (yes, of course they do it on purpose) they have the justifcation to go off - not take responsibility for their OWN feelings & blame you.
Truth is, they already have enough justifications in their own head, they don't need us, but as long as they can use us to blame instead of themselves, they can continually not look at what their doing.
"I have been trying very hard to stay out of his business and let him go down on his own, it takes a lot out of me to sit back and watch." - Hudson
The moment I began to focus & pour out love on myself - since it hit me like a 2 x 4 one day - well God did it - that I was wasting MY energy loving them, focusing on them & not me. No one was focusing on me! I felt "less than" & that was what I got.
When I loved me, shifted my focus, and the love formyself began to grow, I got some emotional self-protection too & I was able to detach with loving compassion (granted I first felt pity for the A's) but the more I focused on loving myself ~ the less energy it took for me to detach & not focus on them.
It's kind of like a dog or a child, you ignore the bad behavior & praise the good behavior. You're right & hindsight is 20/20! You felt intuitively he didn't really want to go... take care of yourself. Church is about communing with God, why be distracted, aggravated or distrupted?
A's or not, men & women (wtvr) we ultimately all end up doing what we really want to in the end, anyway. At least that is what functioning healthy people do, they take care of their needs, go after what they want.
Only you can be fulfilled from within your own heart ~ me, as an ACOA & codie I looked to my love affairs to get what I needed (love & validation) yet I was NEVER satisfied. Now I get hwat I need from loving myself first and I certainly can tell myself I'm "ok."
This set me free! It still takes work, some days are easier than others as I dip into old tapes, depressive thinking, but I think my "spring back" time is getting shorter too.
The anger took a while but the guilt has taken longer to get over, that is what comes up for me... but if I don't support my own needs & look for them, certainly no one can meet them (esp not me, if I don't see them) so how could anyone else?
hope this made sense, don't forget you can only control, change or "fix" yourself!
love, -Kity of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
