The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm going to do a little self indulgent post here and reflect on the progress I have made in AlAnon.
I came here broken, scared, constantly anxious. Fed up, resentful, angry. I still feel those things at times but the time I spend being ok is bigger than the time I spend in difficulties which is progress.
My ABF is heading for a crisis. I can see it coming. He has been to the doctor to get medication for panic attacks as a therapist believed the reason for his drinking was the stress, which becomes anxiety. He didn't go back to the therapist but he has retained the justification for his drinking. And now he overuses the medication, and keeps getting stronger medication while still drinking. The anxiety is getting worse because he keeps drinking - he can't make the link between the drinking and the anxiety - he genuinely believe that the anxiety makes him drink, while I see it as the drinking causing the anxiety every time he tries to reduce or stop drinking. But I have learned that it's not my place to make him understand that - he has to come to that on his own. It's not my place to head off this crisis, I have to let it happen, even if that means he ends up seriously ill as a result. I can make a point to tell him, and then I drop it. I have had my say and he's an adult who can do what he wants with that information. And I am an adult who can stand beside him through the crisis (carry on a relationship), or I can detach myself from him and end the relationship.
I have learned not to talk to him with anything big when he's drunk, it he wants to talk, I listen but I"m not going to challenge it as it just leads to fights and that makes me feel bad. It doesn't impact him because he never remembers them, so who am I really hurting? Me, so why do I do it? I don't anymore.
I have learned that my loneliness isn't down to his drinking, it's my own lack of effort in making friends outside the relationship, putting a heavier emphasis on the relationship - which doesn't help either of us.
I have learned that there are reasons that I have stayed in this relationship and clung to it even though it's not healthy for me. And I have learned that I need to fix me, because I shouldn't rely on other people to fix me. And I have learned that I am a strong person - even when I feel weak, I can make changes that work for me. I have learned that change takes time and I have to be kind to myself when change doesn't happen as quickly as I want it to.
I have learned that while I am not responsible for his behaviour when drinking, and I shouldn't be ashamed, I can change the script by not going out with when he's drunk to avoid a situation where I might feel judged for his behaviour. I know now that I don't have to hide his behaviour from people, but that I pick and choose who I talk to about it - talking to people who don't understand the disorder makes me frustrated so I choose to talk to people who do understand it.
I have learned that I can be happy alone and that I can end this relationship if I have to without fear, without hating him and without being responsible for what happens to him after.
I have learned that I can have a bad day, a worried day, a stressful day because this disease isn't easy to live with, but that the bad is temporary and with some meditation, sharing and readings, I can get through this day and believe that tomorrow will be better.
Thank you for reading my indulgent little share. I hope that anyone new coming and reading this realises that it is possible to save yourself even when this disease is in the same bedroom as you, and that you can learn to love yourself again. This program works. Thank you to all my family here who have commented on my shares and been there for me.
Rachael
-- Edited by MizzB on Friday 20th of April 2018 11:31:01 AM
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Thanks for sharing, MizzB, its good hear of your progress and also reminds me that I too have made progress, even when I get hooked on what there is still to do as I seem to tend to do too much.
Aline, I completely understand. i know that I will still have bad days and get stuck in my own head. But I'm celebrating feeling good right now and I'm focusing on that.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Aline when I started to make progress in recovery my sponsor told me..."throw your right hand over you left shoulder and pat yourself on your back"...that is how I used to celebrate my growth....try it. It works when you work it and it is working on you. ((((hugs))))
Great share MizzB - great awareness! I think 'seeing' or 'feeling' our growth and progress is so cool and important. After all, I'm the kind of gal that if it didn't feel better, I would probably not be propelled to keep doing as suggested! (You too Aline)...
The reality for me has been that if I just keep focusing on my recovery, there is continued progress. Those 'bad days' become 'bad moments' within good days. Those train-wrecks we anticipate become moments we really lean into and feel the existence of a HP. Those lonely points become chosen as we have activities and healthy friends we get to spend time with.
I am one who really holds tight to --- 'the best is yet to come.' No matter what is going on around me, I do and can always find peace if I just keep doing what others have suggested I do - lean into recovery. (((Hugs))) to all - keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep seeing results!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
THank you. I was severely challenged tonight when I had help demanded from me and when I gave some, I got it thrown back in my face. So I left to walk Mabel rather than feeling resentful and appreciated the lovely warm night we have going on right now. And reflected on my choices in this situation. A year ago I wouldn't have acted so constructively. I feel blessed for being able to detach like this.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
I have told my husband a week ago now not to come and 'visit' unless it's worthwhile and he rebuilds relationships and since then I have felt so strong and have done 5 Steps of the ALAnon step work and I feel good. I have a niggling feeling in my stomach it won't last and I'm afraid I will fall back into my dependency issues but even in couples counselling I felt so strong and happy it radiated out of me and I told my husband how I feel about myself and about my life. His response? I think you are all better of without me. That is never true. The girls and I are not better off without him but would like to be involved in getting to know him, help him getting to know him. He was angry first as he said I banned him from seeing his children but when i explained with the therapist present he changed to humility rather than anger.
I have a lot of anger inside me too but I feel really good at the moment too and I am happy.
Well done to you!!!!! You should be proud of yourself (((hugs)))
Thank you so much. once again I am being challenged tonight as I had a call from his mum saying he was suicidal. So, As I would with anyone, I went down to get him. And now I am getting some unpleasant comments thrown at me but I'm not engaging. I'm just thinking about my route out. i'm ok. I feel ok. And that is so much progress for me. I"m not angry that I went to get him. I am feeling a little resentful at another lost weekend but I've got some work done today which will make my week easier and I"m concentrating on that and the fact I am safe and my little dog is safe. I'm so glad Duchy that you are feeling stronger, you should be proud of yourself too. The anger is in me too, but it's not helping me to be controlled by it, so I"m thinking about what I can do to change the reasons why I"m so angry, so that it doesn't consume me.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
One thing I've realised is that I don't want to change my plans for my husband anymore. He relapsed one night 3 weeks ago and my opinion was that he needed to sort through that himself. I only told him I wasn't angry and that he shouldn't be either. It happened and we need to move on. I leave him alone about his issues but am keeping lines of communication open.
When I feel really angry I write them down and that helps a lot. I also challenge them. Why am I really angry? Is it helpful now? Does it aid my recovery? Does it change the present? We only have the present,we can't change the past. At one point I will have it out with my husband in couples counselling about my anger with him but now is not the right time.
Now I listen to my anger and try to give it a place or talk about it. It helped me feel stronger, happier and getter about my situation. My husband sees it too. And it seems to have a positive effect.
We had a BBQ together at home today,no children around and we had a great time,not enough time ( 2 hours) and he said he is free to do it again whenever I am free. We had a great time and part of it could be that I am stronger (at the moment, I am always scared it will end). I think it takes time and a lot of work.
I am still working my way through the 12 steps and it's helping me hugely.
You will get there too (she says as if she knows it all.....) and it takes work and that is OK. Me and patience do go well together but we are learning to deal with each other and I think anger needs patience.
-- Edited by Dutchy on Sunday 22nd of April 2018 01:47:11 PM
Ah Duchy, I don't change my plans for him anymore but last night I had no plans plus I was asked to go and get him by his mum. I genuinely don't believe he would kill himself on purpose - he's like a cockroach - I don't know how he's still alive after all the stuff he's done when he's drunk! But I went for his mum and because I would try to help anyone who was suicidal - I need to reflect on whether that is my codependence. I believe he says the suicidal comments out of despair but also it gets him sympathy from his mum.
Today I struggled with the anger. When he's "tapering" all day but asking my advice on whether to drink or take Diazepam and I don't know what to say! And then when I finally I "huff" at him after being asked for advice again and being very short with him when he ignored what I said, he pulls the "poor me" and I'm fuming! "WHAT ABOUT ME" my head was screaming!!!
I escaped. Poor dog has been walked so much this weekend!! I'm so desperately trying to lower my anger, focus on it being the disease and not him, and I think I'm starting to win the battle. But equally I know my relationship is dead and that I do have a right to be angry as he is treating me like a carer not an equal - and I used to get paid to do that work, I'm not being paid for this! I am also struggling to live in the moment today as I have a parents evening this week so need him home early one night for the dog as I can't be. And I have tickets to a gig on Friday and plans on Saturday and I know he'll be drinking all week despite his verbal reassurances. All I need if for my little dog to be safe and get through the week. But I need to focus on one day at a time. I think some meditation is needed. ANd I used to like writing my feelings down which I haven't done for a while which will probably help (although my writing is so awful now I may never be able to read it!
DO you know what I really fancy? A weekend away in a hotel with an uncomplicated man, a bottle of prosecco and my little dog. Maybe in summer I'll do just that!!
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
New here, and about a month into learning this program all together. I want to say how much I appreciate your post MizzB. I was able to relate to many things in reading it. I also loved reading the different responses. Above all else, it was an amazing reminder that everyone has struggles that "pop up" while they are trying to recover. Since I started this, I feel I am constantly 2 steps forward, 1 step back, 1 step forward, 2 steps back .... but maybe cha-cha-ing through it is what it's all about, and it still seems to result in progress. Inspiring. Thank you!
Welcome to MIP iamme4 - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Ah Duchy, I don't change my plans for him anymore but last night I had no plans plus I was asked to go and get him by his mum. I genuinely don't believe he would kill himself on purpose - he's like a cockroach - I don't know how he's still alive after all the stuff he's done when he's drunk! But I went for his mum and because I would try to help anyone who was suicidal - I need to reflect on whether that is my codependence. I believe he says the suicidal comments out of despair but also it gets him sympathy from his mum.
Today I struggled with the anger. When he's "tapering" all day but asking my advice on whether to drink or take Diazepam and I don't know what to say! And then when I finally I "huff" at him after being asked for advice again and being very short with him when he ignored what I said, he pulls the "poor me" and I'm fuming! "WHAT ABOUT ME" my head was screaming!!!
I escaped. Poor dog has been walked so much this weekend!! I'm so desperately trying to lower my anger, focus on it being the disease and not him, and I think I'm starting to win the battle. But equally I know my relationship is dead and that I do have a right to be angry as he is treating me like a carer not an equal - and I used to get paid to do that work, I'm not being paid for this! I am also struggling to live in the moment today as I have a parents evening this week so need him home early one night for the dog as I can't be. And I have tickets to a gig on Friday and plans on Saturday and I know he'll be drinking all week despite his verbal reassurances. All I need if for my little dog to be safe and get through the week. But I need to focus on one day at a time. I think some meditation is needed. ANd I used to like writing my feelings down which I haven't done for a while which will probably help (although my writing is so awful now I may never be able to read it!
DO you know what I really fancy? A weekend away in a hotel with an uncomplicated man, a bottle of prosecco and my little dog. Maybe in summer I'll do just that!!
I fancy exactly the same as you! I love an uncomplicated life!
Yesterday me and husband had 2.5 hours alone ( my boundary with kids still stands) and our first sober BBQ and we had great time. When I asked him, when can we do this again? He said ' when are you free?......difficult
Difficult because besides gym time, couples counselling, our daughters therapy time and my therapy time I rely on A LOT of babysitting favours from friends and church. I don't like it but it is the way it is and now I have to find a babysitter so we can spend another afternoon together. Which is what I want but it's not as easy as he might think. He doesn't have to arrange it, he is not time bound. It wouldn't be so much an issue if we lived in the same country as my family but here we are. It angers me, I talk about it, am grateful for the time yesterday.
Do you maybe have dogsitters in the area?
I feel, maybe wrongly, that with the requests your husband makes, the advice he asks, the way he behaves, that he is making you the decision maker and the enabler. 'She said yes so I did it', very childish behaviour, I recognise it all too well.
No I am recovering and my husband sees my life, my confidence and my independence I know it makes him sad, hurt, insecure (he said so in couples counselling) but I can also see he is more open, more chatty and I hope it has a positive effect on him.
Do what you want to do because regardless of your actions or answer, he will do exactly what he wants to do but it's made easier by you being there, helping and giving him answers.
I apologize if I am wrong and sorry if I am harsh. (((Hugs)))
Hey DUchy, I appreciate your honesty. Yes, I agree that the situation with the medication and his constant advice seeking is negative so I try to be as non committal as possible. I keep the pills only because I don't want to wake up to a dead body. Luckily he's not actually my husband which makes it easier for me to walk away - and the flat we live in is mine, all mine (learned some hard lessons from my ex husband about joint property) and i can pay for it on my own. You are right about doing what I want to do. I'm just focusing on work and getting done what I need to get done for work. I am going to get a dog walker but my Mabel is a very scared dog - badly abused in her past - so I need time to work with the walker to get her used to that. i ahve that time in summer which is why I"m not making any big changes now. I"m just working the program. Doing what I feel best in the moment and using the lessons I've learned there to remain calm and detach from all the drama. His Mum has told me (he hasn't) that he's heading up to her tonight. Which is good as I get a night off (what a strange way to talk about a "relationship"). He'll end up in A and E, I can see it now. And I don't care. Obviously I wish him well and want him safe but I'm detached from it. He needs the consequences of his choices. He's lucky his mum will take him to A and E (she's not in al-anon although I have suggested it) because I won't.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
MizzB, ah we've had 4 rescue cats, none of them came from good homes and needed a lot of work on trust. I can understand a dogwalker is not just 'an option'.
It's good to read you are detaching. It's difficult when the alcoholic lives in the house. My husband (sorry I got it wrong on your part) never had a good relationship with his parents. They were never really parents to start with. Horrible past there but when we sold our previous house we had a month where we had nowhere to live until we could go to our new home so I went home to the Netherlands and he stayed in his mums spare bedroom. They don't really talk, never see each other so it was good for him and a free bed to sleep in. I that month (his mum told me when I returned a month later) she found out what he was like. How much he drank, he emotionally abused her too. When he had 4 grand mal seizures on moving day, his mum saw for the first time what I had had to go through many times before. Phoning ambulance, getting him to A&E, picking him several hours later, him sleeping most of the day and not well, full of guilt. And I did that with three children in tow! She spent a week apologising over and over again saying she didn't know how bad it was and that she felt so bad that I'd been going through this for 4 years.
She's been more involved since then. More interested in the girls so when things soon went wrong again she phoned him and asked him to come to her. He ended up staying with her until her entered rehab and was only supposed to stay with her for a few days after rehab but he is still there. Afraid to come home as he is afraid he'll start drinking again (his relapse 3 weeks ago shows he doesn't need me and the girls stress to relapse). They still don't see each other a lot. His mum goes on holiday constantly since retiring and my husband attends AA every singel evening.
What I'm trying to say is that it's sometimes really nice to have his mum pick up the 'slack'. Let her deal with his horribleness instead of you an the dog (I saw that the situation also had a profound effect on our cat as she started hiding and weeing everywhere and now she is calmer and is always where me and the girls are). I also find it easier to detach from him now he's not here and it gives me the space and time to work the program.
