Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Resentments out the wazoo!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I applaud you for taking your resentment seriously, because I always buried mine. I know you're worried about it, but I mean you're aware of it and looking at it and trying to figure out the next step, instead of convincing yourself that you're a desperate crazy person, which was always my go-to response. ("Why am I so ungrateful when he actually sorta wants to be with me? Or at least isn't totally out the door? Why can't I just be okay with his [cold, unavailable, unreasonable] behavior? Something must be so wrong with me." Etc. I was gaslighting my own self!)

I think in this brave new world of healthy relationships, this is how the healthy people do it. It's not that they never get into relationships that aren't right for them. For one thing, sometimes you have to know a person really, really well before it's obvious that it's not right. Some people carry big red flags, but some people are pretty decent human beings who are just not quite healthy enough for a good relationship, or who start out strong but then don't have the staying power and start to flake out, or who seem pretty promising but then develop some kind of wrong path that just takes them away from being a good partner. I think what distinguishes the healthy people (that we're aiming to be) is that they have their wits about them, and they look carefully at things, and they don't make decisions out of fear or desperation. And when the relationship really isn't right, they move on.

The moving on was always the part I couldn't do. As someone on here said once, nearly every relationship I was ever in had my claw marks on it from being dragged along, desperate not to let go. A few times I somehow channeled a healthy part of me and let go early, without unnecessary years of suffering. But not usually. So I think that's the skill I really need: the skill of acting when something's not right. I guess what I'm saying is that finding oneself in a relationship that's not working isn't an unhealthy sign. The unhealthy sign is hanging on for dear life when it's really not working. The way I see it, you're doing just what we all aim for: assessing the situation instead of hanging on blindly. Maybe the problem is that we probably all already have our fill of sadness, doubt, and starting anew. It's really awful to think about going through it again.

Hang in there. I know you'll land on your feet, whatever path you take. {{{Bonnie}}}

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Andromeda))) - what I've been told is if I am struggling to see my part and honestly do a Step 4, I need to go back to Steps 1,2,3.... This has really worked well for me because I am either holding on to self-will, in denial over my own insanity or have disconnected from my HP.

Whenever I have extreme doubt about the next right thing in my life, whether it's about a relationship, a decision or some other type of action, I don't. Some of my 'less than stellar' decisions have been made when I thought I was working recovery really, really well and making a healthy decision. With hindsight being such a great tool, I have discovered after the fact that I actually had allowed my own ego, wants and self-will to drive the boat...

I find relationships extremely challenging. No matter if it's spouse, child, parent, sibling, etc. I find comfort in trusting that my HP has put these people in my life for a reason and it is my job to 'get along'. That doesn't mean I have to stay where I am not comfortable, but it does suggest I practice humility, empathy and grace no matter how the relationship unfolds. I do believe I am growing and changing and how I respond today is different than how I responded before. While I may find it 'better' for me, that doesn't mean anyone else sees it that way. When I have resentments about how others are treating me, I consider the prayer of St. Francis -

Lord make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred let me sow love
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light
And where there is sadness, joy

O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console
to be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned
And it's in dying that we are born to eternal life

Simply because if any of these are 'lopsided' in my favor, I consider myself in need of some spiritual fitness work. My latest 'go-to' in my brain that goes with, "Bless Them, Change Me" has been ..."Seek to Understand". Sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers - I've been where you are and it's a tough place....for me, my answers did come by going back to step One - I am powerless over _______________, and my life has become unmanageable.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Im in a similar place to you I think. We are both a few years down the line in our recovery. We have done the steps before but I know for me this feels like the first time now Im much more aware of myself and reality. I also have a long list of resentments and Ive only listed my Mum so far and I didnt even think I had resentments or many for her!!!! I truly believe this is where the freedom is, in working these steps thoroughly and honestly because I want to be ready to remove my shortcomings that are blocking me from joy and they have built up a bit for the last few years. Ive also read about this been very common in recovery, its about emotional sobriety and poor self talk.

I got lost in a few things since the beginning of my journey in Alanon, especially my relationship with my bf. I got so carried away in it all, the romance, dating, intimacy, etc. These things had just been missing from my marriage and I'm not sure we ever did much of the dating and intimacy and couples thing. We went straight into children and responsibility all with the alcoholism running the show. So I've had a lovely time with my bf. We've been together 3 yrs almost and ive enjoyed it mostly. Its also brought out many of my obsessions, an obsession with whatsapp, so frustrating waiting on a reply lol. I've calmed down a lot now though, getting a bit more balance.

I think its important to work through the resentments thoroughly but also listing your assets too. Its hard accepting that we have a thinking disease. I kind of see it as resentments and negativity are my default mindset and Im working to learn the opposite.

Its different for me in that I don't live with my bf. I need my space and I cant even handle a weeks holiday living together because I need to get away from him, he becomes really annoying and I see his faults blatantly. I have accepted that any man I have in my life will have human shortcomings just like me, there is no 'right' one or perfect one or soul mate, well in my opinion. There are people made up of good and bad and Im trying to live life accepting what I can. I cant accept addictions to drugs or drink, I get fearful and I wont let fear in anymore. The rest of it is just about me learning how to communicate my needs, wants and boundaries in a rational way and honouring my boundaries as much as I can.

Working through the steps, allowing them to reveal more about you before making any life changing decisions is probably wise because you will get to a decision that is right for you with a right mind rather than a mind filled with resentment and negativity. Easy does it, trust in your journey, the process. You know you can make any changes you want. Your a tough strong woman, think what you went through, the changes you made, the difficulties you coped brilliantly with so this moment in time is a blip in the road and this time you have Alanon to guide you.x.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Andromeda, I am glad you are exploring these painful feelings. I found that I really needed to acknowledge my resentments and self pity because they only hurt me. I do know that I needed to look deep within, and examine my own motives, as well as my expectations and and my ability to accept life on life's terms in order to release myself from the grip of these difficult life destroying feelings .
Good luck

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Me again! Just keep thinking of something I read or heard in the program. It was someone who said they had committed to marriage, and it didn't really matter who it was with. I know sounds crazy but I kind of got that when I heard it. Its like ok, Ive lived so long with black and white thinking and I truly believed the grass was always greener somewhere else. So, I could tell myself that this person isnt right for me because .... add in the list of things I didnt like in that moment or past moments and somewhere out there was the person or relationship or situation that would make me happy.

I think this is a fantasy. If happiness is right now and in this moment, if thats where it lives and not in the future when... this or that happens then that means happiness is here, now and all I have to do is open my eyes to the good around me and in the people around me.

I feel like the things I wont put up with are addictions - drugs or alcohol, abuse, cant do it, not sure if I can keep the fear at bay in this setting. Apart from that all ive got to deal with is human flaws that are in everyone but I want to see human assets and its up to me to work my program and open my eyes to these now and in the people here right now not wait for some imaginary great people who dont exist.
Kind of rambling, dont know if this makes sense to you but it sure helped me.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

El Cee, I understand what you are saying here but I also don't want to ignore red flags. My partner isn't perfect and neither am I, but there are issues in our relationship that are not OK. I committed to my marriage with my XAH, I didn't cheat, I didn't have a wandering eye, and I wanted to stay married knowing that the grass wasn't greener as I know I learn from other's experiences and I am a realist by nature.

MY issues with my bf go beyond the way the house is decorated and beyond how he's treating his ex. He shuts down during any conversation where I say I'm upset with something he said. He gets angry back at me and then tries to guilt me, he then finds one little thing I said during an emotional expression and he gets even more mad and turns the whole conversation around to where I'm the one who apologizes. He turns his back on me, he is incapable of comforting me if I am crying or need empathy. His own children have asked me to talk to him because his sensitivity meter is set to negative 10. My emotional needs can be met by my friends in program and by other outlets in my life but I have a partner who isn't willing or isn't capable of giving me a shoulder to cry on and gets angry at me for even expressing an emotion. I don't feel safe here nor do I feel like any part of me is visible in this house. He says it's our house but I don't feel that way. I feel like it's his house and I'm just a tenant. Nothing of mine is on display or visible in the main areas of the house. Not one damn thing (yeah, that's a resentment).

He may not be perfect but I have to decide if truly want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't available.

Stan1 · Senior Member

(((Andromeda))) Wow can I relate to the topic of resentment. I took it personally when my RAH was not there for me. I could not understand why someone who could dish out criticism could get so defensive if I said I didn't like something he was doing/not doing. I too would get the silent treatment and the tables turned on me and I would take the bait and accept his mood and then apologize too. I realize now that he has a very soft belly and it is his thing. Now when he drops the curtain down I just leave him to his thoughts and go on with my day. If we had plans to go out to dinner and he is inside himself I just leave and go to dinner as planned either alone or possibly ask a friend to join me if there is time. I know he cares by the other little things he does. Like this morning, I found my favorite donut beside my coffee cup. I can understand your feeling of being a visitor in the house. Thank you to those who shared ESH before me. Beautiful here and no snow....Enjoy the Day.

-- Edited by Stan1 on Friday 20th of April 2018 08:51:05 AM

MizzB · Senior Member

"I have to decide if truly want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't available"

Andromeda,
I fully understand this statement and feel in the same position. My ABF wants my help, demands my help but wants his space too. I have held demanded but thrown back in my face. HIs battle with alcohol is so strong that he isn't available for me. Before Easter I ahd a very bad time at work and ended up having panic attacks and wasn't able to go to work. He had the day off but chose to go into work rather than being there for me because the desire to drink was too strong. THis realisation that he's not there for me was a big eye opener for me and one that has really helped me start to detach from the relationship and start to take the steps needed to escape it. I know that even if he does get his drinking under control, he is a selfish person at core and, as he always was told by him mum, he looks after himself. For me, i don't want to be an afterthought the whole time; a footnote in his life. I deserve better. I hope you use the program to help you reflect and work out what it the best path for you.

sad_dog_mommy · Veteran Member

Hello Andromeda,

It sounds like you are walking around on eggshells. I have been in the same situation and it is exhausting. I dont have any advice but I want you to know you are not alone and I believe you will find your answer as you work the steps again. This might be off topic but I found re-reading my posts/journal entries to be very helpful.

((( hug )))

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

andromeda wrote:
So, I've started working my step 4 again and one of the things I am seeing is a serious issue with resentment. I feel like I've lost my way. The resentments keep piling up the more I write and work that step. It's making me fearful of wanting to do more because it's revealing a part of me that I'm not very fond of.
One of the things I told my sponsor recently is that I fear working the steps again, because I fear what it will reveal. I fear that it will convince me to stay in a relationship where I am not feeling safe, by accepting unacceptable behavior in the process. I'm focusing on the wrong things and I'm obviously turning towards the negative, which is honestly not my norm. I've grown disheartened realizing that I've chosen a man who is most likely not a good choice for me (for various reasons). I'm beating myself up and trying to wrap my head around "how did I get here?" I'm forgetting about the journey and I'm really honing in on those resentments to help build my case in my head.
So, I'm just here to vent. To find out what you all do when you feel it's 3 steps backwards and one step forward. How to regroup? How to find serenity? Hugs to you all! Thanks for listening.

Andromeda, so, I don't know you, but I've read a great deal of what you've written. I read the one statement above, which I bolded and underlined, and it was so perplexing to me. You have such tremendous awareness, and acceptance around what you should be accepting, and clarity and focus around what you shouldn't be. You have a very healthy perspective on what's going on around you, positive or negative, you seem to get it. You have such solid, strong program -- and that being said -- why, how, could working the steps convince you to stay if you are not feeling safe et al? The obvious, knee jerk reaction would have one believe the steps would convince us, or help us arrive at a point where we could make the "right" or healthy, or best, decision for us? Would working the steps help you focus on the things you want and should be focusing on? I think working the steps would give you even more clarity than you already have, and would allow you to be more definitive and more confident, and have a better perspective on any decision you might decide to make. Why do you feel that working the steps will drive you to "stay" in "wrong" place? Have faith. Go with your gut. You've come too far to not rely on and believe in this program and you.

When this type of thing happens to me -- I go back to the basics!!! Meetings, readings, and working with my sponsor. A lot. Those things, and me focusing, with a laser precision focus, on the next right thing in front of me...they don't tell me what to do. They don't give me the answer. They don't do it for me. Those items are the work that allow me to do it! They allow me to arrive at a point where I know what to do. I arrive at a point where I am able to make efficient and effective decisions, based upon strength, intellect, definitiveness, with a clear head, not under duress or with fear and anxiety, and decisions that are healthy and best for me.

All the best.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Bo, I agree that working the steps will give clarity, it always does but I'm often afraid of the outcome, the revealing of more of self identity or reality. and the fact that I might actually have to CHANGE. Because, gasp, change is scary, even if it's good change. My old sponsor used to day, "Bonnie, what's the next right thing to do right now? If it's do the dishes, then do the dishes. If it's I need a meeting, then get to a meeting." That one statement has helped me stay in the present just as much as One Day At A time!

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

OK. I hear you. I get it. Outcome huh? OK, I see. Here's my take...run toward it!!! Whatever it reveals, you will be better, more healthy and more happy!!! Run towards the roar!!! Yes, my sponsor too always said that -- do the next right thing in front of you, what is the next right thing in front of you right now, and so forth. I get that change is scary. That's obvious. But I didn't see all of that because I didn't see you being scared of this. You are a strong, intelligent woman. In addition to the things I said before -- your clarity and awareness is already there. It's telling you what it needs to tell you. What you need to hear.

And working the steps will be gentle and will little by slowly show you more. I have found the steps are guided discovery -- things are shown to us, presented to us, and that discovery is gentle. Is it always? Of course not. But what I am seeing, hearing, you are there already -- so doing the steps is a gentle next step here.

Good luck.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene