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Here's what is going on - Been married 11 years, husband has one year sobriety. I am working alanon - although early at it.
I believe - I have pushed and pushed and pushed at this relationship to try and make it what I wanted it to be. Spouse and I both acknowledge - our relationship is at the brink ( although, he claims this is new to him, as he has been living in denial ). It is not new to me.
I *decide* I am not ready to leave - I must really give this effort - for my sake - because of who I am. I committ to meetings, therapy, etc. Now, he says, he's not sure he can try.
I'm trying to work my program here - I THOUGHT I could work at this, accepting he may be in another place. Yet, I feel abandonded, resentful, and like this is more of the same. I wait around while he figures out his stuff (going to tx, working recovery, whether he is commited to the marriage or not, etc, etc.).
Now, I am questioning if it is sick for me to *committ* to working on a relationship when the other person is unable to also committ to trying. I am not saying I cannot accept where spouse is at, I can, and do respect that. However, I am questioning my boundary. Is it healthy for me to try - yet, and forever again, at this relationship?
I'm considering retreating my "committed to trying it" stance, not as a way to get him to change, but because it seems sick to me, for me. I remain committed to working on me - therapy, meetings, being honest, recovery, but my question is about committing to work at the relationship.
I think Pia Melody has some excellent strategies for dealing with this place. Are you familiar wiht her work. She has written some books on codependence and on "love addiction". She suggests sitting still with the relationship and maintaining a "wall of pleasant" while you work on yourself and your issues. In fact Robin Norwood in Women who Love too Much recommends something similar in just not acting out on one's codependence. I think for some of us that is very hard. My issue in relationships is a certain over commitment. I am more commited to the relationship than I am to me. So for me it has been good to pull back and stop obsessing (I am particularly obsessive) and to work on me. I think sometimes that can be hard to articulate but I had to detach first before I could really even see how I was "contributing" to the relationship. As a recovering codependent I can do too much for the relationship and not enough for me. I can also be in tremendous denial. I have many many issues outside of the A. I have issues at work, in friendships, in therapy and more. I have to work on my other issues too the relationship is not the only thing in my life. When I make it the only thing and focus solely on that it can become very enmeshed.
"I'm considering retreating my "committed to trying it" stance, not as a way to get him to change, but because it seems sick to me, for me. I remain committed to working on me - therapy, meetings, being honest, recovery, but my question is about committing to work at the relationship." -Mollyd
First off welcome to Al-Anon, our Board & this wonderful site (we also hav e a chat room & have mtgs twice a day on-line in there).
All I can tell you is my experiences & story, no one in Al-anon is to "give advice" that being said.... You say your husband has one year of sobriety & you're married 11 yrs. (I was married in PA, when my ex filed for divorce as he was in our home < & I ran half way across the country on vacation abandonning everything to get away from him, I literally left everything I ever owned, that I treasured > they stick the request for divorce on 'file' and let u sweat it out for a year, in the chance of a reconciliation).
Kind of the same thing here in Al-Anon, we lovingly suggest, you try 6 meetings &/or even different meeting groups before determining wether the Program is "right" for you or not. They also suggest, not to make big life altering decisions for a year (say divorce or seperation) but maybe you can determine this for yourself faster ~ we are all different.
Some separations have saved the marriage & the individual recoveries of both parties. I often say, we are sicker than the A's. For them their disease is straightforward... a compulsion, an allergy - disease of perceptions. They get to "go numb" & not deal, be in denial & blame others.
For us we are like, love addicts... or have a love sickness, we look to others, trying to please them, do for them to make it "easier or better" for them so we will be loved. As I went down this road being raised ACOA, emotionally nurturing my mother, as she set me up to do (enable) from the day I was born... she looked to me to soothe her ruffled feathers, she didn't look to herself for that love, fulfillment & statisfaction.
So I grew up looking to my love affairs & never knew how to love myself. I became more & more irrational & unable to be staisfied... I was acting just like an A, only I turned to them to love me, validate me.
I say all of this as a prefix to the boundary question b/c what you said was mixed up w/ different issues. Only we can change & control ourselves. The great thing about both of you having the Program is that you can "fight" back with the Program. He says, 'I dunno if I can stay w/ the sobriety' ~ you can say, 'hit a meeting/call ur sponsor.' wtvr
I love the 3 C's but turn them around... yes I can't control, change or cure another, it is NOT my fault, nor will I take the consequences or blame for another's behavior. However I can control myself, change myself, cure myself & that is all I can do. I may be powerless over the weather, other ppl, global warming/politics but I DO have power over myself!
It is very empowering! I see you focusing on your A ~ as we all do, to get so sick that we end up here, for some of us a last resort. i focused on my mother loving me my whole life... if I did what she wanted we were golden & I was showered in gifts, love, food, hugs, companionship. If I went away (usually angry) i would say "no" to her but I would be riddled & wrecked with guilt that ate me alive.
God showed me I was no different than the A's if I threw all of my love & energy away on them & saved none for myself. I hated myself, tried suicide twice, was depressed for 21 yrs & enraged for 30.
So one day when God showed me, I was like a negative - like of film, the opposite of them - I could see there was no difference... so I at 37 (6 mere months ago) I kept a glint of love for me, it grew each day. Soon the pity I had for the A's went to compassion & loving detachment. The more I worked on focusing myself, loving myself FIRST, the easier it became to give my parents to HP/God.
I sure don't want anyone running my life anymore! I suurender myself & others to God daily, I even surrender my feelings freely & willingly, say when I get depressed & I can feel it lift.
Focus on yourself, work on yourself, for yourself, no matter what the A does or does not do. Only you can know what is "right" for you, be it in al-anon, w/ ur doctors, parents wtvr.
All of that being said (I'll give credit where it's due) this is a script I got from Haximon, that came from his sponsor about boundaries...
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
1. HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFIENED CONSEQUENCES THAT DON’T DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM CLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS)
Sorry that is so big, just how it is in my word file - I have it printed out & slogans & signs all over my condo!
Take care of yourself, keep coming back. If u ever want to PM or email me directly, you can do so right here from the Board just click on my name.
your friend in recovery, -kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I struggled today, and your words helped to carry me through my day. Sometimes I get "lost" in feeling abandoned, and at that point I get frantic. I am learning these moments pass, however, it feels pretty sick when it is happening, like I am out of control.
Mare - I have seen the literature you mentioned on Love Addiction ( and of course thought to myself - well, I'm not addicted to love!). I will return to the bookstore this week and pick it up. Thanks for the recommendations.
Kitty - geeze, thanks. Your story of running made me smile - and I sure can relate to that feeling of wanting to just friggen escape from my life (in a good way). I needed your words and they were helpful - BIG and all. I also appreciate your invitation to PM - earlier this afternoon, I realized I really needed to talk to someone - but didn't know where to turn. I am grateful for a new resource.
Will be going to a meeting tomorrow night, and am thinking/feeling pretty solid right now - like I can turn this over to HP and it will be OK, as I refrain from trying to manipulate and control the situation, and accept it is what it is.
Again, thank you guys - it is so truly helpful to me - nice to know I'm not really alone.
