The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading so many posts about infidelity, and abuse, from many people, myself included.
There is a book I particularly like called "Marriage on the Rocks". The auther makes things kind of cut and dry and clear.
She states that the first thing we have to do is accept alcoholism as a disease and that we are powerless over it. Okay that is our step one. She goes on to say that the biggest mistake we can make is to blame the disease and not the behavior. We cannot blame them for being an A, it is what they are, they didn't ask for it, they are sick. Just as with any other terminal disease. That if we accept alcoholism as a disease and really accept it, our lives will be a lot easier.
She says to tell an A who is not in recovery not to drink is as effective as telling a baby not to cry, it is what they do.
It is not the same thing, but I had been sick for the past weeks. I didn't feel well, I was not in a good mood. My temper was a little hotter than usual and I was very down. It was hard to get anything accomplished as I was so tired. Because I wasn't taking extra work, and was buying a lot over the counter meds adn paying Dr bills for the kids and prescriptions for the kids, money was tight, theis made me more irratable. Getting dizzy made me seek out the Dr for myself and now I am on the right medicationa dn getting stronger every day. My mood is improving, I'm not as tired. If I had gone sooner, I would have gotten better sooner.
Did feeling poorly justify me ripping into everyone? No
I tried to stay clear of everyone, as I didn't want them to be my victims.
Did feeling poorly mean it was ok to cut back on things? To some degree yes.
But it was my own fault I felt bad for so long, I chose to not seek medical attention earlier.
When we are sick we cannot help getting sick, we are what we are. We are still accountable for the behaviors we display.
Okay maybe an A feels guilt about his drinking and his behaviors, and yes it is a viciouse circle. But isn't it nice to have something to blame everything on? I cheated becasue I was drunk. I threw her down the stairs because I was drunk. Everything is someone elses fault.
I think people have a tendancy to act a certain way. If someone is not abusive, they will probably not be abusive even if drunk. If someone does not cheat, they will probably not cheat when drunk. If someone ios not lazy, they will not use drinking as an excuse to be lazy.
Someone posted on here a while back, that drunk or sober, some people are just creeps.
Alcoholism is a disease that removes inhibitions. Any bad behavior can be justified away as a symptom of the disease.
Why shouldn't they stay drunk? They can do whatever they like and because they where drunk, it is part of the disease/ All behavior is part of the disease. I don't accept that!
Bad behavior is just that. Sickness is not an excuse to abandon right and wrong. Ok, we give some leeway, but how far do we go?
If a man or woman who is an A, is stone cold drunk and gets angry and stabs someone. Are they innocent because they are ill? Accountability is part of life. We have rules we are expected to live by.
So they can't help being an A, and drinking is what A's do. But they still need to be held accountable for the behavior they exibit while drunk.
By excusing their behavior and saying they are sick, we are enabling. We are giving more strength to an already horrible disease. By excusing the fact that they where drunk, but still addressing the behavior we are not making the disease the blame. In fact then we might even be saying being drunk is acceptable, but what you do while you are drunk is unacceptable. Maybe being drunk won't be quite so much fun anymore. Maybe not.
You are so right, a disease is no excuse for unacceptable behavior. From A's or from us.
I have been working a lot of overtime for the last 6-7 weeks and under a lot of pressure and stress to finish a project...(which is all but finished as of yesterday!! YaY!!!).
As a result of all this work and stress I have gotten very tired with the accompanying sensitivity and moodiness.
A couple of days ago I allowed "things" to get to me and essentially threw a tantrum at work. Well, it was just so unprofessional and it did nothing but make me feel worse that what caused the tantrum to begin with! Go figure!
We are all accountable for our actions....so are they. Being drunk is no excuse for lying, cheating or stealing. Being the "victim" of a drunk or someone elses bad behavior is no excuse for us lying, cheating or stealing either. It just hurts us when we do things that we know are not right.
But! For my part. I am so grateful now to have the tools, to first recognize that my behavior can be unacceptable at times....to figure out why it is....and try not to do it anymore. I also find it so much easier to forgive myself when I do have those slips and dont sit around beating myself up overthem.
We all have choices to make. We can choose to accept or not to accept the behavior of the people in our lives. We can also choose to do something about it or not.
We can decide if we are gonna do something for our own recovery or not.
Something you said really hit home for me - must be the message I'm supposed to be learning today. Last night I read in the book I was reading last night - I can't remember the name of it, it's my first Alanon book, though. I stumbled across the phrase "When we hurt others, we hurt ourselves". WOW, did that get my attention. And then you said something similar in your post. Thanks.
My husband says this alot--"well baby I can't help it, I'm just sick", that is his excuse for treating me like dirt. He doesn't physically abuse me, but he loves to be an antagonist and drive me crazy. He loves to gripe and complain and just be mean. He said it again today on the way home from church and I just wanted to throttle him!!!!! I told him it didn't matter if he was sick or not that still didn't give him the right to be like that. He said well you know you always hurt the ones you love the most. I just wanted to tell him well if all you want to do is hurt those around you, you should go live by yourself!!!!!
this sounds like the same conclusion I came to this weekend! My A has been "sicker" than usual this past week. I am quite fed up with it. So, once he emerged from his alcohol/pot/ambien induced fog--I told him that I just couldn't stand the irresponsiblity--whatever the cause. I know what the cause is but if he wants to blame other things, fine--the behavior is still unacceptable. I totally agree with you. they know what behavior is unacceptable.
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
