The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Detachment with indifference: The writer says that detachment came easy for him, but not with love, with indifference. In Alanon he learned to feel safe enough to feel his feelings. He also learned that he was more than his feelings, and he could see the alcoholic as more than his or her disease. His sponsor taught him that the worst sin against fellow creatures was not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them.
Today's Reminder: The unconditional love I receive in Alanon helps me to rediscover what love is. As I learn that I am consistently lovable regardless of my strengths or limitations, I begin to see something consistently lovable in others, even those who suffer from an unlovable disease.
Quote from Youth and the Alcoholic Parent: With a change of attitude...past actions can be put into proper perspective; love and respect can become a part of family life.
I was only able to "detach" in my first few years of Alanon. I detached to protect myself, and stop the endless cycle of disappointment and pain. I was not able to detach with love, until maybe the last year or two. However in looking at myself, although I feel I love my alcoholic again, to be honest, I think I am detaching with love with a wall up. I love my A, but can I trust? No. Do I have to put aside expectations? Yes. Would I choose this person today? No. Are there positive reasons to stay? Yes. It's quite a complicated marriage and all I can do is work my program and take ODAT, Lyne
Hello Lyne detachment is a a powerful tool. In the beginning of my Alanon Journey. i could only detach with anger and then with practice I found that i could detach with indifference then finally after working the Steps, I was finally able to detach with love.What a difference it made to my serenity and peace
Thanks for your service
Good morning MIP! Lyne, thank you for your service.
Like Betty, I first detached with anger. (Anger seems to be my go-to emotion when I need to make a change...) I'm not sure that I ever really was able to detach with indifference. Detachment with frustration that I tried hard not to express to the alcoholic followed detachment with anger. Sometimes I think I am making good progress on detachment with love. It is definitely easier to do when I'm not in the same room as the alcoholic. It was a rough weekend for me, and leaning into the program, going to AlAnon meetings anyway, talking with AlAnon members, listening to their ESH, all helped me get through. I don't know what this week will bring, but I am sure that I will be able to handle it with the help of my program. I've definitely been given many opportunities to practice detachment the last 48 hours, and looking at today's reading, I think my HP is telling me that now is a great time to improve my detachment skills!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I value and appreciate everyone's ESH on this topic.
Detachment was a life/sanity saver for me when I began to see the chaos of addiction creep back into my marriage/life. At first it was some morphed version of Detachment w/Anger + Love. I had hope. Detachment in the way I was practicing it did not keep me from trying to "help" my husband choose a program, though. I begged, I pleaded, I made doctors appointments, therapy appointments, I bought medical recovery books and gave them to him. After a year of these futile attempts, my detachment became detachment with indifference...THAT saved my sanity. That 'step-away' allowed me to see that 'Nothing Changes, if Nothing Changes.' It allowed me head space to work on myself... to finally understand that I did NOT want to just "put up" with this kind of behavior in my marriage...that I felt I deserved better...then finally the realization that I could not accept him and alcoholism/addiction for all that it is, in my life... ever.
So Detachment with Anger became Detachment with Indifference, which evolved to Detachment in Divorce. The absolute best plan for MY sanity!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Happy Monday MIP! Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. Thank you all above me for your shares and ESH. I too detached with anger at first, followed by indifference. It took time, and self work to be able to detach with love. I'm grateful I made it through yet each step along the way, I learned more about me, the disease and how my actions/reactions fuel the flames or not...
Before arriving, I engaged and did not have any grace - I matched wit for with and had a sharp tongue - slicer style! After I arrived, I would practice detaching and it took all that I had to not react, and you bet I was angry. Angry about the current 'event' + all the former events that I easily blamed others for.
As I grew in recovery, and considered my part, forgiveness came into the scene, and I became indifferent/numb during 'events'. Just another defense mechanism to survive while consider what tools will get me safely to the other side. After working the steps and practicing more of this program, it became clear to me that I HATE the disease, but not the diseased. Empathy came after forgiveness and judging others by taking their inventory became as silly in my healthier thinking as trying to discuss important things when another is active in this disease.
It's been a process for me and the more I focus on me, my side of the street, my attitude and program, the less I have to detach as I no longer personalize all that's going on around me. I had to hear countless times that 'this' is so not about 'me'!!! And - it became more clear as I progressed.
Grateful that we're all about progress only - I can accept myself and others unconditionally and no longer expect another to make me happy, conform to my view of normal/healthy or 'complete me'......very grateful for recovery, sponsor and MIP!
Happy Monday all - been hanging with my little people this morning and dropped them off at preschool and day-care....the little guy cried when I was trying to leave day-care - tugged at my heartstrings - a first! I'm grateful I got to start my day with them - they are genuinely joyful little guys...Make it a great day all - cloudy here today but a bit warmer. I'm having dinner with program gal pals tonight - really looking forward to it! Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Where does "detach with pity" fit in? I am detaching from the alcoholic behaviour best I can but I pity the life that is being wasted to this disease. Is that love? It doesn't feel like it as I see love as an equal attachment. I don't feel equal in this. I pity him, like I'd pity a child.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Done hurting what I learned was that as long as I had memory...I would never be divorced. I live with the addict and alcoholic now in a different way, "Love is the complete and total acceptance for every other human being for exactly who they are. Love is a personal characteristic. ((((hugs))))
