Rough Rider wrote:

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My wife and I went to our first meeting tonight. It was at a local church. We got there on time only to find a sign on the door that the meeting was cancelled. After quickly checking my phone, I found another one 10 city miles away. It took a while, but we got there with 30 minutes left in the meeting.  

The meeting was very worthwhile. Some of the stories are happy, and one of them was a heart breaker. Our work is cut out for us. I'm really glad we went. 

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Welcome to the (those) rooms of alanon. I am glad the meeting you found was worthwhile. Keep going back. Meetings are like many things in life -- you'll find some you like, and you might find some you don't. But, keep going back. Where I live, there are large meetings, with 80 people or so, and there are small meetings, with 8 to 10 people. There are many beginner's meetings where I live. I hope you have some of those where you live. There are many types of meetings. Keep going back.

All the best.

Hey there RoughRider - welcome to MIP! So glad you found us and glad that you joined right in and shared. I also applaud you and your spouse for finding a local meeting and attending. For me, I resisted until I could resist no more and then took a bit more time collecting courage to attend.

I did not attend my first meeting with an open mind - my ego still suggested these folks were 'needy' and I was 'fine'. However, I kept fighting the disease, and received the gift of desperation which had my go back, trying a second meeting/different group. I did feel more at home, and made it my regular safe place!

Recovery is hard work yet the results have been so worth it for my life. I have a new outlook, modified attitude and a ton of tools to heal from and deal with the disease of alcoholism in others. May you find the same - keep coming back! Glad you're here!

RoughRider, thanks for your honest question. I found Al-Anon a very effective -- and essential -- part of a "balanced diet" of self-help that also included individual therapy, being open with others who could understand, and reading what science has learned about addiction. My progress over time has gone from masking the pain (I was still blaming the alcoholic -- "my pain was all his fault"), to managing it (still angry but realizing that this was about my recovery and that I deserved recovery), to ... I'm not sure if "cure" is the word, but serenity where the anger is 98% gone as I am able to forgive both him and myself. I am able to catch myself feeling angry over the past and remind myself that is not the person I want to be.

For me, the other self-help efforts would not have worked as well without Al-Anon. Unlike a therapist, it's available 24/7/365, and the people in the program have actually been in my shoes. Like any major learning effort, I had to really work it. Meetings are a cornerstone, but I also had to do the homework of getting a sponsor, working the steps, and practicing Al-Anon every day.

RR - that's an awesome question....and I suppose the answer might be different depending upon the person & the alignment with the program. I've seen many who work this program to the best of their ability, and are able to shed the anger, resentment, pain, agony, etc. of the past and live joyously in today and beyond - with the A (alcoholic) still active and present in their life.

I've seen others who 'talk the talk' and seem stuck - can't forgive, focus outside themselves for cause/answers and resist surrendering to the power of recovery and the power of the disease. Some get it and others get stuck.

What I can say is whether one is in the first described group or the latter group, both will tell you that working the program has given them space to heal and deal with the affects of alcoholism. I am one who believes you get out what you can put in and while progress may not be 'when we want/need it', it always comes. We do consider recovery to be ongoing/life-long and we do consider alcoholism a disease. Both of these concepts helped me realize I did not arrive with issues that just came up and it was going to take time/patience/practice to be/do/live differently.

Keep coming back and keep inquiring! I really, really loved when folks kept reminding me to just focus on today...I'm a Type A person so can obsess over good things as much I can obsess over issues/problems!

Rough Rider, you are very welcome. When you go to face to face alanon meetings, you will not be surrounded by strangers...they are just friends you haven't met yet. And, the people there will understand what you are feeling, experiencing, and going through...because many of them have been through, faced, dealt with, felt and experienced the same thing. They've been there...and they go through it. That's the hope part -- knowing others have gone through difficult times, trials and tribulations, much of what you are going through -- and they made it! 

When I started going to meetings, I had cynicism -- primarily because everything I was hearing, the suggestions I heard, the tools, the slogans, the changes that people made and suggested I consider, all of it was very counterintuitive to my thinking. It was opposite of what I had been doing for years!!! Thus, I was cynical. 

Be that as it may -- you asked an excellent question. If I were to be myopic and answer the question in those absolute terms -- I guess my answer would be that in time, after one learns what the program is all about, and what it offers, and then one implements the tools, the changes, the methodology, etc. -- my answer would be alanon "cures" the pain...BUT...not in the traditional definition of the word "cure". Perhaps some people think cure, and they think whatever the condition is, it goes away. That is not what alanon does. Alanon is not about the alcoholic/addict. In the opening of many meetings, you will hear the statement -- you can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. That is a cure! Yet it has nothing to do with the alcoholic. It has nothing to do with whether or not the alcoholic is still drinking or not. The alcoholic is NOT cured. YOU are. But cured in a way that you are better, healthier, etc. -- independent of whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. If they are still drinking, if there life is spiraling out of control -- that would be sad. Alanon doesn't teach you to ignore it as if it doesn't exist, but it gives you the tools, the mindset, so that while it's sad, the sadness doesn't consume you, and ruin your life. It allows you to be there for the alcoholic but in a different way -- a way that is healthy for you and your well being. Alanon teaches you that you don't have to get dragged into and be a partner in all of the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc. If the alcoholic continues to drink, and you learn this program and implement what you learn, then, you will have made changes. You will be a healthier person. And, you will -- using your words -- "deal with" -- the alcoholic differently, in a way that is better, more healthy, and more beneficial to you.

I hope this makes sense to you. All the best...and keep going back (to face to face alanon meetings).

 

 

Donehurting this sign in for me was part of the early attitude change I made while hanging out with the old timers and listening to their ESH.  I was done.  I didn't have any more capacity to hurt and I had started to hurt her which caused me more hurt emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  I was taught "the opposites" by my sponsor which meant use the opposite emotion and do the opposite behavior to get that.  He told me and taught me that if I was thinking and feeling and earning the negatives If I would and could think and feel the opposites I would earn good feelings.   For instance the opposite of anger is acceptance...not of the morality of the disease just the fact of it.  The opposite of self centeredness is compassion and empathy. The opposite of fear is love and so on.  I can tell you that even though my alcoholic/addict and myself divorced and moved on we truly loved each other and had no reason to be married.  I care about her still.  She was no longer a bitch but a child of God who had a life threatening disease which was consuming her and all around her.

I learned that Love was the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they were and that includes my self also.

Keep coming back and participating and then give away to others what begins to work for you.  She is a very sick person not a bad one.    (((((hugs))))) 

RoughRider - you can do what makes sense to you.....continue here or start a new - there are no hard and fast rules. Al-Anon does help accepting people, places and things as they are. It doesn't suggest you ignore or judge another, just that you detach emotionally (and physically at times) and instead of focusing on what YOU can't change, focus on what YOU can change.

The program suggests that Alcoholism is a disease, for which there is no cure. Abstinence is one step of treating the disease as is a formal program of recovery. I have been sober for more than 30 years, but that doesn't mean I will not ever relapse. Both programs, AA & Al-Anon suggest we focus on One Day at a Time.

As far as meetings, I've never heard of a meeting that has a required fee. The traditions and principles suggest donations only and we've never imposed a standing fee for anyone. The most common collection method I've seen is a passing of a basket during a meeting. Nobody is required to contribute or judged if they do/don't.

Meeting attendance (F2F - Face to Face and Online) is voluntary/optional. I've been to meetings with just one other person and then some that have had tons of attendees. I never know until it starts how many will be there, but for me, every meeting I attend leaves me feeling better than when I arrived. This has been constant through-out my time in recovery. I do best when I keep an open mind, listen for the similarities and remember why we are all here!

As far as the chat room here, there are times when nobody is there and there are times when it's crowded. There is no monitoring of it, so it's 'open season'. Meetings here ebb/flow too - keep in mind that those who lead/open the meetings are all volunteers. Hope this helps a bit...(((hugs)))

Ok, I misread the web page. There is an organization you can join, but it's not required to attend meetings:

Attendance at meetings is not limited to paying members in any way, however only Members and their guests may use the Lounge. The organization offers meeting facilities to AA, Alanon, and Alateen groups, for which these groups pay rent. These groups have participants who attend meetings, who may or may not be members of the organization. Any condition of attendance for any meeting held at the facility is dictated solely by the group having the meeting (e.g. "Open" or "Closed" AA Meetings).

Sorry for the misinformation. This organization is convenient to my home.