In my home group, we have been working the steps as a group on Thursday nights. I've found it useful to work through them again. 

Today, I came home from my Sunday meeting to a cheerful wife. We walked our Chloe, and met the neighbors from across the street for the first time. We stayed and chatted with them a long time, and they seemed nice. My wife said she really enjoyed meeting them. We also had a really nice chat about my program and how positive I was feeling about it. Then, we walked the ninnies (our 2 cattle dogs, they are all hyper all the time, and very comical). About half way through that walk, I noticed something off. (Well, more off than her friendliness with the neighbors, lol!) She seemed to be hallucinating but aware of it as it was happening. We got back home, and I thought something smelled wrong. She was drinking in the bedroom, and hiding it. This isn't the first time I thought she had relapsed, but it is the first time I saw it. I told her that we would talk about it later, and it was her choice what she was going to do with the alcohol. I reminded her of my boundary that I will not be with her if she is drinking. She dumped out the can she had in her hand, swore up and down that that one can was all she had, and she'd only had a few sips,this was the first time, etc, etc. But after she passed out, I found a bag full of empties and a stash of several cans, which I put in clear sight on the kitchen counter. I'm not looking for bottles, but I also know her, and I am sick of the lies. I thought long and hard before I looked for her stash. I think she was drinking last weekend, and I think she's been drinking more often when I am at my Al-Anon meetings. (she isn't creative, the bag of empties is always under dirty laundry by the bed, and the unopened cans are always in the bottom nightstand drawer.) I know what she does is none of my business, and it isn't my job to dump out her alcohol. (I didn't, I left the unopened cans unopened.) And, I am also done believing her lies. She's been at her recovery for nearly three years now, and slowly I've given her my trust. I have been letting her drive my car occasionally, and I've been giving her my credit card on Sundays to fill her gas tank while I am at my meeting. I feel pretty betrayed by her actions today, because she used my card to buy her alcohol, or she has a stash of cash that she has been using to buy the alcohol because I have been helping her out with gas money. 

I've been sitting here all afternoon feeling my powerlessness over this disease. 

I'm not angry, I'm not upset or hurt or anything like that. I'm just feeling powerless. But, thanks to Al-Anon, I am not feeling alone. 

 I've located all my spare car keys, and they are all going to be with me now all the time. I think she drank and drove my car last Sunday, looking back now on things. It wouldn't be the first time she's driven under the influence. 

I don't know what I want to do, but I do know that I set a boundary. I will not live with an active alcoholic. I have some boundary enforcing to do.. I'm not sure what that looks like. For today, it looks like cooking us pizza, putting the alcohol out in the open, restating my boundary that I will not stay with her while she is drinking, making chicken for the ninnies (I make their food, that's a long story for another time), prayer, refusing to engage, walking away, letting her pass out on the sofa, and covering her up with a blanket. 

I don't know what tomorrow will look like, but I'm ok where I am right now, and I'm going to let tomorrow take care of itself.