The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi Jennifer,
Firstly hugs!!! Sounds so hard. I was in exactly the position you describe just a few months ago. I couldnāt work out whether to leave. I loved my husband but he wasnāt in control of himself. He made promises then broke them.
In AlAnon I found strength and support. I also was able to ask myself new, more helpful questions and take constructive action. I encourage you to attend an al Anon meeting in your area. They have been a life saver for me.
Sending much love
Welcome Jennifer! You'll find many here going thru the same issues, asking the same questions etc. Can you make it to a face to face Alanon meeting? Alcoholism is a family disease and effects each one of us involved in the A's life. You aren't alone. Alanon isn't a quick fix but it certainly teaches me how to live my life with the A's in my life. I hope you keep coming back. The Alanon literature, steps and support are lifesavers!
Welcome Jennifer. I so understand your feelings. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease that affects everyone it touches. It is a disease and as such we are powerless over it. The best we can do is seek support for ourselves. Alanon is that support program. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and I urge you o look up the hot line number in the white pages.
It is suggested that we make n major changes to our lives for the first 6 months in program as it takes time to absorb and implement the new tools and principles into our thinking and doing Keep coming back here as well -- you are not alone
Welcome to MIP Jennifer - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I too can understand the feelings you post about - I really thought I was going to go mad living with this disease in my home. It felt overwhelming, never-ending, and way more than I could handle. I did find comfort and understanding in Al-Anon and was gifted with many tools to help me heal and deal with the disease.
We do not give advice - the only exception is if there is abuse. In that case, we strongly recommend you find support from any local organizations as well as protect yourself with the police or law as/if needed. Beyond that, we truly just share our own ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) so that others can make decisions that best work for their lives. There are no 'one size fits all' solutions.
I encourage you to attend meetings and be gentle with yourself. This disease is progressive, powerful and all encompassing - having support who truly understand was a game-changer for my life and recovery. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm also VERY new. I've asked myself that same question many times. My AH has been my best friend for 27 year, with each relapse or new substance he adds to his growing list I find myself asking the same question again and again.
Now that I've came here and started putting in place a few of the teachings I find myself a lot more patient and calm. I'm not feeling like a caged animal fighting to get free.
I bought a breathalyzer so the lies wouldn't work anymore. Pulled all access to money which proved to me an alcoholic or addict WILL FIND a way around that but at least I won't feel helpless on paying the bills. I'm learning to detach which is shocking him. My AH wants to be the center of attention.
With just a few adjustments to lifestyle and mind set I don't feel the fight or flight. I can't control him but I can control how I think and feel.
I've noticed you won't get direct advice but you will read a lot of others life experiences. Pull a little from one/many or a lot from others. What works for one might not work for another. I've been pulling a little from everyone.
Now that I've put in place a few things divorce hasn't crossed my mind. Not saying I won't think about it again but for right now this minute this day I feel refreshed.
I hope you find what you are reaching for. It's NEVER easy living with an AH.
Iām also fairly new to AlAnon. I came because I was at that point exactly that you are. I didnāt know what to do. I still donāt know- Iām taking the advice of waiting at least 6 months in program and getting a sponsor soon. It has not been easy. He still has days that are awful. Today and yesterday are the worst theyāve been in a while. But, with the help of these boards, attending face to face meetings as well as online, it has helped me to establish boundaries and enforce them. Believe me, itās not easy. But Iāve seen little glimmers here and there of change. Iām at least at peace when I walk away from an outburst. I used to storm off to get away and stay angry and partake in the incessant texts/calls that would always follow when I left. Now? I donāt answer the calls. Iāll respind with one text with an explanation for my departure, like āsorry. I left because you were getting abusive and I donāt want to listen to itā. Thatās it. Iāve found that disengaging has brought me a weird sense of peace. Before I would be shaking, crying, my heart would be racing. Iām strangely calm which is great!! Hang in there.
I second betty's share .. sometimes even suggest working the steps 'first .. 'first things 'first .. wishing you much serenity .. i hope you make a meeting (know from experiencing it is not at all easy)
working the steps with another who has worked them this is (sponsor find inside face to face meetings) .. (( hugs ))
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Monday 5th of March 2018 11:16:01 AM
When I walked into my first alanon meeting -- not here, an actual face to face meeting -- I was at the end of my rope. I couldn't go on. The pain, fear, anger, frustration, confusion, and more, was so great that all of it had me paralyzed and crazy at the same time. My wife was completely out of control, we had the police, attorneys, the courts, doctors, rehabs, and more involved in our lives, and so on and so on. I wanted out. I wanted to stop the ride and just get off this horrible and horrific ride.
So, I walked into a meeting. I didn't want to hear wait 6 months, wait one year. I didn't want to hear we don't give any advice. I didn't want to hear let go and let God. I didn't want to hear trust your higher power. I didn't want to hear keep coming back. I wanted to know what to do NOW! Right now!!! If they didn't tell me what to do RIGHT NOW...then I wasn't getting any of the help I needed and wanted. I don't know if others felt this way, but this is how I felt.
That said, my wife was unable to stay sober. I was almost certain she didn't want to. So what does that mean to me. I'll give you the end result...I went to face to face meetings. As many as I could. I got a sponsor and started doing the work. I did the readings. I shared. I cried. I did everything I was told. I focused on me. I learned about acceptance, and I learned about how to detach -- physically and emotionally. I learned about my role and how I was contributing to all of the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc, and I learned how to stop doing that. I learned how to change my thinking, my actions and reactions, my behavior, and how to make changes that helped me not get dragged into all of that drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc. I learned how to let my wife figure it out on her own. I learned how to let her experience the consequences of her own actions and decisions. I learned how to separate and untie myself from her and her disease and all that was going on.
End result...I got better. I got healthy. I arrived at a point where I asked myself the most important question I ever asked myself in my entire life...and that question was...is this the way I want to live my life...is this the life I want to live...and because I was healthy, I was able to answer that question. I was able to answer from a place of health and well being, intellect, clear thinking, and answer the question(s) intelligently. Prior to that, at the beginning, when I was "in it" so to speak, and I was in it and couldn't have been in it any deeper than I was, and when I walked into my first alanon meeting, and for at least 6 months after that...any decision I would have made would have been from a place of fear, desperation, emotions, duress, weakness, panic, and more. Alanon got me to the point where I was able to answer those questions and make those decisions.
So, I don't know if that's an answer, or an answer someone might be looking for...but that was my experience.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
((((Bo))))....exactly!! Your ESH brings back clearly to me the memories of "How it works" and how it worked for me and how I worked it for me and of course there was and is more because I was and am not the only one that it was about...many others were affected by our disease and our search for peace of mind and serenity and those consequences. Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with whether they are right beside us or not. My clients/customers and managers and co-workers were affected without even being in the face to face process of our program and this was the miracle of Al-Anon for me. When I changed everything changed and it still does. The program is a part of the divorce process...the detachment and letting go still are part of that program process. Al-Anon restores eyesight and understanding. It recreates my ability to feel and inserts compassion and empathy into my principle character so that I can include others into my life of recovery including my alcoholics and addicts.
A great part of my healing came from accepting the principle of empathy and compassion which of course included my so sick alcoholic/addict.
Divorce?? in the normal sense of the word, the legal and social senses we are divorced. In the spiritual sense of the word we are not. I still love her unconditionally without any reason to be married to her. I never had a rational reason to married to her. I made a horrible mistake for myself and had as my sponsor confided, to go make and correct the mistakes of my past. When I did that the consequences all changed and still do.
Solutions come from inside the program for me and not from the outside. My counselors and psychologists took notes when I talked about how I was changing and what I was doing to make those changes.
Our Literature, our fellowship, our sponsors, the sharing, and blessings like MIP help me to stay divorced from the insanity of alcoholism. I am so grateful for your sharing of your success to us. Keep coming back please. (((((hugs)))))
Experience is often different for us each .. we also seem to find what works for one may not work for another .. but the one thing that seems to work for us all is alanon's 12 steps and 12 traditions (if we are willing to learn them and work them) .. there's help and hope regardless of our situations .. they say one of the First gifts we receive there in meetings is hope (we finally begin to hear our own stories and things we wouldn't 'dare say out loud (maybe for shame) .. the 2nd gift is courage .. when others share honest & openly from the heart .. they give us the gift of being able to do the same (when we are each ready and no one times us) .. it all seems to work because we're not all in the same place at the same time .. when some are hopeless others have hope .. when some are confused .. others have clearer thinking (understanding) .. one day at a time & (together) we get there ..
I relate to the above .. i left too because i didn't get that instant what to do answer .. i went back when i realized for the first Real time i could see what alcohol was doing to my partner i couldn't see what it was doing to me (making Me crazy) . .. turns out though the group Had given me answers all along (i just couldn't 'hear 'them) .. they mentioned meetings literature sharing listening learning and showing up (that all went right over my head awhile too) i couldn't understand why (I) needed a program when (He) was the one with the problem ... ?
I say this a lot, you will know when you know and no one else can tell you when enough is enough.
Ironically it wasn't the drinking that ended it for me .. there was a whole lot more going on it was the infidelity for me that ended it. I couldn't be with someone I was never going to trust and I truly wanted something different. I have seen others mend their relationships and go on to have wonderful marriages and I am part of the one's who made the decision to leave.
Go or stay .. both have their own challenges and opportunities for growth. I sometimes wonder if I had more program would I have stayed? For me the answer was no, I couldn't continue to heal while the insanity of doing the same thing over expecting different results was going on and my past continued to smash into my present which again trust issues with my X, I wasn't willing to be open to them while we were together and again .. it wasn't the plan. I turned a relationship that was made for a season into a relationship I thought I wanted for a lifetime and he was not my lifetime partner. I see that more and more as I grow within my current relationship.
I hope you will attend face to face meetings, and work on you regardless of your decision alanon will help you discover the woman your HP intended you to be, I found a lot more in alanon than I realized I needed in my life. If you don't like the program they give a full refund of your misery for free. :) I like the idea of letting go of my misery so I can move forward in a positive way and leave my past where it belongs, in the past.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
