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So here I am hiding in my bedroom because Iām avoiding AH who is on a complete rampage on me. He got angry at me when I suggested he should not come to friends of the family tonight. Our daughter is going over to sleepover. He wants to go over to have a talk with our friend. She is dealing with a lot today- having to take her older daughter to psychiatric er, as sheās having a psychotic episode. I told him itās not a good day. He will add to the stress and is probably the last thing she needs right now. So now Iām enduring an abusive onslaught- heās following me from room to room calling me every name in the book. Heās threatening to come in the car when I go to drive our daughter. That he will show up there and knock in the door and basically force himself on everyone. Iām at my wits end. I told him Iām not staying there. I refuse to sit there and listen to his drunken rambling. So, what do I do? Just let him go? Our friend will probably be upset that heās shown up. Iām really frustrated today. I keep telling him,ā sorry you feel that wayā whenever he gets abusive. So, just looking for any shares on how people have dealt with similar situations.
My AH is sober & has been sober for over 11 years. He still goes off every now & then. He goes to AA as well. I can't totally relate but I do know about the program of AA some. Sometimes even in sobriety they come out of nowhere & start cussing& ranting about the mmost outrageous things. I am so sorry that you have to hide to get away from him. I guess if I was in your situation I would pray for myself. I don't know for sure how you feel but HP is there for you. Remember that is not about you. I hope this is helpful. Hugs Kathleen
((Elabella)) I am sorry that you are experiencing this destructive response to your drawing a healthy boundary. Alanon suggests that we do not" JADE" at such tines that stands for: justify, argue, defend or engage, take care of yourself remember you are powerless over his behavior and take your daughter.I noticed that you did examine your motives in this situation and found them sound good work.
Thank you hoot nanny and hotrod. Well- crisis averted. He did end up coming into the car. I told myself if he goes in their house, I will simply leave. If he gets annoying- thatās his doing and our friend can ask him to leave. She ended up not being home yet from the hospital- so problem solved. But my gosh, what an episode. Truly testing how Iām handling these situations. The funniest part- while he was having his meltdown he asked me if I got in touch with my āchurchā ( referring to AlAnon) to get support...! Thankfully, the storm has passed and we are both in good moods and our daughter is having fun at her friends sleepover. I keep praying every single day for clarity. I think Iām slowly getting there?! Thank you for your ESH, and just for listening to this struggling newbie ramble on!!!!
Aloha Ela...what also helped me to day was having and experienced supportive sponsor with me who I could talk and listen to and who is in recovery also....think about that for yourself. (((hugs)))
Again I think you did great! Also glad the storm blew over, and you are enjoying some needed peace! This is quite a process isn't it? Glad your daughter was able to go enjoy herself away with her friends. Do you have anywhere you can go, like friends or family during these crazy storms? Obviously I understand that isn't always an option. Keep up the great work, posting, meetings, focusing on you and detachment. ((( Hugs)))
The being on a rampage is a prelude to the drink8ng
When you are exasperated to the point of exhaustion you will not do much about his drinking
I have been.embaraased countless times. I used to take it all very personally Now I.dont believe that it is as important.
Bit on the other hand my boundaries are such that I remove myself from certain situations
Alcoholics are pretty sensitive to abandonment They can take anything as an affront to themselves
I.watch boundaries really carefully now. I set limits including dropping people out of my life. Before you had to burn me into the ground before I have up. I had a lot of misplaced loyalty
Alcoholism is too much for us to cope with. I suggest getting to an alanon meeting asap because if you want tgis to change it has to begin with you and alanon gives us the tools to not accept unacceptable behaviour and to know we don't deserve abuse ever under any circumstances and there is never an excuse. Unfortunately we get lost in this disease and excuse and justify it all away. This situation is familiar to me and most of us here and this drama is no longer part of my life. Alanon gave me self worth which I desperately needed.
Thank you Grace. This is unbelievably hard- Iām starting to realize that I never had any boundaries and so this for me is complete opposite behaviour. Why is it so hard?
Thanks Jerry- I really want a good sponsor whoās been through this craziness. Someone who has had to deal with an abusive, raging angry alcoholic. How do I know if someone is the right fit??
Thanks for your share Maresie. This certainly is a very difficult problem to navigate.
Iām in my car right now- I left the house because he was drunk and starting on me really bad. I told him I wonāt sit around and listen to the abuse. Now heās calling and texting nonstop. Thankfully our daughter is still over at friends of the family. I want to let her stay as long as possible today. Iām hoping he will soon pass out and I can go back home. Thanks again for all your words of encouragement. This message board has been a lifesaver for me these last few weeks.
Your not alone. Have hope. I also lived with abuse and it feels hopeless. So many of is walk this path but we get free of it. I did and my life is peaceful. In fact a couple of months into alanon there was no abuse in my life. It ended. Have faith and you've already taken a big step reaching out here.
That is the spirit Ela...doing the best you can with what you have, living in the moment and trusting your Higher Power. Cause...this works when we work it. Keep your ears open for when that sponsor person arrives. I just sent my own sponsor a thank you be safe message as he returns home from being here and willingly working with me. (((hugs)))
El-cee, was the abuse from a partner? Did you stay, or when you say the abuse ended itās because you are no longer together? Iām just sitting here praying for his anger to dissipate. I donāt understand it at all. It comes out of nowhere and Iām the target...
It started from my partner but it was subtle to begin. He was a sick alcoholic who was angry a lot of the time. I never recognised it as abuse because he never blatantly hit me. Funny because that was my marker. If he ever hit me or cheated then I always told myself I would leave. Telling myself I had standards. It's sad because all the while I was living in insanity and I was insane along with him. We both played our roles very well. He would rant and rave and shout and name call. Quite scary. My role was the victim martyr one and I would get him back also quite subtly or not mostly. I would quite often wait for a moment of weakness usually inbetween binges when he was clearly suffering mentally and physically and I would start the guilt trip on him. I would tell him everything he did and said that was wrong. How much he was ruining the whole family's life. On and on for yrs and yrs. I truly believed he was able to stop drinking and if he knew how bad he was when drinking then of course he would have to stop drinking. For almost 20 yrs we played this out. 20 yrs. That's how strong our denial was. Both of us refusing to look at the reality of what was going on. I was terrified of the truth. Absolutely terrified. I thought that if I faced one truth then a whole mountain of truths would come down on me very painfully. It got so bad. I became so demoralised that I finally found alanon and it took me bit by bit through the truth of me and the disease of alcoholism. I'm still uncovering the truth of me. Sometimes it is painful but mostly liberating and freeing. I woke up and it's been the best time of my life. Awake for the first time and I never knew I was sleeping.
I did leave my ex ah and before I found alanon. My family went through one too many crisis and I left him. Left everything and took my clothes and my son's. His drinking got worse and my 2 son's got worse. Alanon taught me to not accept unacceptable behaviour from anyone. I was being abused again but this time it was real can't deny type of abuse. this physical and emotional blatant stuff by my teenage son. It stopped in about 1 or 2 weeks by really simple techniques and we have never looked back. Basically if he started shouting or name calling I would state calmly that I could no longer listen and I would talk later when he was calmer and I walked away. That was the important part the using my body to show I meant it. He followed me at first and I repeated that I would talk later and I left the room and the house on occasion. Dud this consistently and he learned I was no longer going to participate in bad behaviour in any way. So I stopped discussing reasoning nagging etc. I just moved out the way every time abusive behaviour showed it's face. I also got him arrested. I refuse to be abused by anyone and I will do the right thing to not be a victim of abuse. Believe me you will get help at meetings and if you work this program by following every suggestion made to you your life will change remarkably and it doesn't necessarily involve ending the relationship. Lots of alanon women stay with their men and there are many success stories out there. My success is that I have a goid relationship with my son who has a problem with drink himself but I see him and I live him for who he is and I don't suffer abuse of any kind today.
Wow el-cee- good for you! I too have been with my AH for almost 30 years. I like you, always said if it gets physical or he cheats thatās my final straw. And so for the last 5 years Iāve put up with a lot. A lot. I do the same things you did. Wait for a āgolden opportunity ā to lay into him either by chastising, ignoring, guilt tripping. Iāve gotten so angry in the last year or so that I honestly have turned into a miserable woman. His daily, morning to night drinking has affected me, us, the whole family. Even the cat gets scared of him when he gets into one of his fits. I have no idea how else to deal with it. So Iāve turned to AlAnon, and heās getting worse. Tonight was the worst itās been in almost a year. I almost called the police. But I kept quiet, other than breaking down in tears at one point, and just kept moving from room to room. He persisted for 2 hours. 2 hours!! Non stop verbal abuse and anger. I couldnāt leave because I didnāt want to drag my daughter out. I told her earlier when I picked her up from our friends that he was drunk and in one of his moods. I told her to take her shower and put on her headphones and tune it out. Thankfully he did not approach her at all. I was the target. He was angry because of boundaries I lay today. He wanted to go out for dinner and I declined. I said I didnāt feel like it and would rather stay in. I also left twice today when he was getting abusive. Iām so drained right now. Listening to that garbage was enough to break me. Iām happy I didnāt engage. But this was sooooo hard. He really is the worst jerk when he gets in that mode. I actually recorded it all- just in case. Iām honestly feeling right now like I cannot live with him anymore. The drama he creates is unfair for anyone to be subjected to. Ive already been on the hunt for an apartment. Iām broke. Donāt have a job. But I have to figure this out somehow. I know that Iām this moment- I cannot fathom another second of such treatment. Iām exhausted. Thank you so much for your ESH- it really helped me today. Hereās to a better tomorrow :)
Big hugs, ((((Elabella)))). I'm so sorry things are so crazy. I know how it feels when the A is hounding, following around the house, not letting me to have rest, or do anything. This is abuse, and I lived with it for a long time, hoping foolishly that this would end some day because of MY actions/efforts, because I would make him see how hurtful he's being. Didn't work. Remember there is hope and help available. with the help of this program I no longer subject myself to this kind of behavior, and its been a long road in learning what my boundaries actually are, and I'm very grateful. You are worthy of peace and happiness. Keep coming back!
that's a tough spot to be in .. when i was with my alcoholic (addict) he used to rage as well .. would be inappropriate. He would have been one too to want to go and talk in 'his own ''unreasonable frame of mind and approach'' .. and very bad timing (while angry forceful heated unreasonable) .. seemed the more i told him 'no the more he would 'push back (seemed sometimes it was about a whole lot more 'person'ally going on inside-him than just the 'talk) . I remember when i first got a sponsor, he used to threaten me with i'm gonna call her an tell her a b c .. (good thing she had a choice to take or leave) .. i remember being so embarrassed talking to her but she used to laugh . the thing with my own sponsor is she 'understood for having gone through the same or similar with her own .. it was a relief to have the 'fear of the unknown (others knowing i was with an alcoholic / addict) out in the open .. (one less secret (fear) for me) when it comes to choosing sponsors helps to listen to them share in meetings and then find one we seem to connect with or relate to .. when it comes to alcoholism it's so embarrassing (the behavior) that sometimes we don't want anyone to know .. (we are still enmeshed at times thinking what they do is a reflection of us and not knowing what to do with it) . when we stop excusing and justifying for 'them (us too) .. it gets a little easier (this is what i was doing myself so focus in this is on me) .. (living with an loving an alcoholic yep is too much for most of us without spiritual help .. Good thing this is a spiritual program .. never really knew how or where to find that spiritual help in a way that truly made a difference ..
(Hp ? with no one home yet ?
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Monday 5th of March 2018 08:43:22 AM
