The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So my STBXRAH was finally served with his divorce papers this past weekend! Whew! One more thing off my plate... for now. That whole thing was a lesson in patience, that's for sure! At times it was hard for me to let it go, b/c I had the company that is helping with the divorce prodding me about getting him served, but getting stronger with myself (through MIP!) helped me to understand that they can get antsy, but I was doing everything within my power to get this completed. Now we wait for 30 days. I don't think he'll have any response to it, as we have almost nothing, and our kid is 17 (almost 18), and I stipulated on the paperwork that Kid is the one to decided how and when he visits his father.
As it turns out, my RAH will be in rehab until mid-April! But, you know, that is what he needs.
Saturday was my birthday... not sure how I feel about it, b/c this has been the suckiest year ever, and it's a "big" b-day. However, I am a firm believer in "Your only as old as you act" so I try not to get mired in the actual number. It turns out, I gave myself the best gift ever... a divorce from the chaos of addiction and addictive behavior! Yea, me! RAH gave me a card that read, "Happy B-Day Babe. I want to be your close friend for the rest of my life. I need you in my life. I want you in my life. I will love you forever."
Great. It just makes me realize just how disassociated he had become from the day to day realities of our marriage. He seems to have some clue of what he has done, but not the deep, deep hurt it has caused. I had stopped believing his words a long time ago... and trust never fully returned from the first addiction to meth. Without honesty and trust, there can be no marriage in my opinion... at least not a happy, healthy one. I am not even sure I can be a "close friend" to him, b/c I just don't trust him... at all.
However, I now know I don't have to dwell on that in this moment. I am strong enough now that I don't have to allow those words to push any buttons!
Now I take One Day at a Time, work on my technician's studies, and help my Kid navigate his way to college (somehow).
Even though I don't post everyday now, I am on this site daily... reading posts, reminding myself of slogans, checking what the C2C post is. It all helps, and I'd like to thank each and everyone of you! I still attend my F2F. I don't share much there yet... but it helps nonetheless.
Rain is predicted tonight... Hallelujah!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
BIG HUGS .. this is BIG stuff lady!! Congrats and I am sorry (it is painful to end a marriage, regardless of what a mess it has become) however I do understand the underlying relief of getting your life back. I hope that he has a great program ahead of him and he can get better, do better and just be a happier person.
I think I am always shocked at my XAH's perception of our marriage. I have probably shared this before however he had been out of the house for a year .. was supposedly trying to reconcile with me and was running around telling everyone that we were the best of friends there was no third party involved (apparently the 4th and 5th don't count .. LOL) AND to add insult to injury we were already divorced. This actually went back to an alanon friend who's spouse (he was not an A) came back to her telling her this story and how we had a mutual friend and so on. Her response was pretty great actually .. honey I am not at liberty to say anything .. however I think it is in your best interest to steer clear of him because he's just not ok. We really need to pray for him.
It was a mess .. so you are so lucky and honestly so is your STBAX .. so may you both find your own happiness in yourselves and find ways to honor your relationship together.
You will workout what works and what doesn't.
Big hugs .. recovery looks awesome on you!!
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Good for you, congrats on getting to this point! And happy belated B day, lots of hugs, ((((PnP))))! You sound sane (which I put a LOT of stock in) and you're working your program, that's so much in itself, looks great on you :)
(((PnP))) - happy, happy belated birthday! You sound good and strong and that's because of YOUR effort in recovery. I get so much out of your shares and ESH and am glad you're part of the journey...
I do believe exactly what you shared - that he (or they in my case) are clueless about the depth of the hurt, pain, drama and chaos they (with this disease) have caused. I, like you, just had to let it go and let God lead me to what relationships may/will/should look like. I still have trust issues with mine and that's OK...just for today. We each get to define who we let 'in', who we let 'near' and who we 'avoid'. That's the great thing about recovery - with growth, boundaries and detaching it just seems to work out when I lean into recovery and HP.
I love that you're holding onto to you and your power and protecting that from what others say/do/are. Know that for me, that gift of being authentic when storms are crashing around me has made me so grateful. Keep doing you - keep coming back!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Serenity - Now that most of the chaos is out of my life, and I now have tools to deal with some of the stuff that comes from my STBXRAH mouth, I am now beginning to see just how lucky I am that he is contrite regarding the divorce. And of course let's chalk one positive up for being so possession-free! LOL!
Aline - thank you for the b-day wishes... makes me feel great, even though I am an adult! I think I am going to get a T-Shirt made that reads: "I SOUND sane!" LOL! Just thinking about the connotations of that makes me fall on the floor laughing! Don't get me wrong, I know what you are saying about me... I just like the inference the T-Shirt would have! tee hee!
Iamhere & Skorpi - Thank you too, for the b-day wishes! IAH - I find it oddly pleasing that someone I "look up to" gets something from my shares. That is what makes this place so awesome! Someone will post something that just cries out to your soul, and you respond with a resounding, "YES! I knew I wasn't crazy!" LOL! That's why I share... you just never know what might help someone else one day! The hardest thing for me in the beginning of my journey was to let go of the desire to "make" my spouse see all the hurt he has caused. The fact is he will probably never truly understand it. Despite his program, and the growth he is making, there is still so many lapses in just memory for him to truly understand he did this, or said that. I mean, his perception is that he lost his job in September... but it was August 4th. His employment papers say that, yet he still is holding on to that reality. His brain functionality was really screwed up by alcohol... vodka specifically. This is a devastating disease for everyone involved.
Mother Nature has blessed my neck of the woods with generous dusting of snow in the local mountains... the views are simply stunning after so much dryness!! Blessings!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you for sharing this, and happy birthday!!
After reading the thread I somehow feel better knowing many experience the AH (or XAH) being totally clueless about the hurt they have caused. Wasn't aware this was common. Somehow this makes me feel better. I realize I can't change this.
Finding grace - Realizing you can't change it is the KEY... IMHO. Coming to terms with probably never knowing the "whys" was hard, but essential to my becoming a more sane person!
I am glad the thread helped you. Hugs
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thanks PnP! I have been following your story since I've been here...so happy things are progressing in such a positive direction for you.
Yes, it's true one must accept that we can't ever change another person. Sometimes it's nice just to learn others know this happens...if that makes any sense...
I love the Tee idea too - sounds like a grand plan....LOL!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I knoiw going through a divorce was gruelling for me. There was the issue of some debts He changed attorneys
I was exhausted. Mpst of all Ibfekt alone and bewildered. I am glad you got to this stage
For me personally I think my ideas of marriage were extremely naive and unrealistic. Reality has been a hard thing for me to grasp.
My ex husband died last month (He got sober after I divorced him) His new life with his second wife was much more lucrative (she inherited a lot of money) I used to envy his house his lifestyle. When I read his obituary I realised son e things. One was he lied to the end and He had a child by another relationship he never acknowledged. Can you imaginbe having a child and never seeing them in person?
He took that to his death bed . Hevwaa actually a grand father He never saw his grandchildren either!!! Secondly that despite the nice home the cushion of wealth and the job he #loced# he was still miserable and obsessive. He pushed himself to an early death. So much for the envy I had. That package woulkd habe been hard to deal with
One of my core defects is alkways looking at relationships from the outside. I imagine everyone else #has# and I got the short stick. Many relationships look really great none of us know what is really going on unless we get close enough to see the reality. On one level I am glad to know the truth about my ex husband because I certainly had a rosy view of his life
I know most of my relationships included these sentiments of loyalty friendship and #love# I think now what I considered to be love waa actually fear and desperation on my part oh and a great fear of abandonment I know In al anon I found a lot of support care and understanding. Most of all I found good will. I don't know that I.had that before (certainly not in my dysfunctional family) I don't know that I brought good will with me into my life
I am glad you are over the other side oif the hurt abandonment and shock. That was a wealth of material to work through.
Your son might not get a functional father in his life but he has a mature responsible realistic mother
I knoiw going through a divorce was gruelling for me. There was the issue of some debts He changed attorneys. It took FOREVER over very very little
I was exhausted. Mpst of all I felt alone and bewildered. I am glad you got to this stage of moving on with it
For me personally I think my ideas of marriage were extremely naive and unrealistic. Reality has been a hard thing for me to grasp. I am not sure I knjuwvwhat it is some days I had to live in deep denial as a child I carried that with me in adulthood.
My ex husband died last month (He got sober after I divorced him) I foun d out quite by chance His new life with his second wife was much more lucrative than the one we had (she inherited a grwat deal of money). I used to envy his house his lifestyle #his happiness# When I read his obituary I realised some things. One was he lied to the ens. He had a child by another relationship (before me) he never acknowledged. publicly Can you imaginbe having a child and never seeing them in person? Yet he was renown for his honesty and willingness to share!!!
He took that to his death bed . He waa actually a grand father He never saw his grandchildren either!!! Secondly that despite the nice home the cushion of wealth and the job he #loved# he was still miserable and obsessive. He pushed himself to an early death. So much for the envy I had coveted. That package would habe been hard to deal with and I am glad I.didnt take that on.
One of my core defects is alkways looking at relationships from the outside. I imagine everyone else #has# and I got the short stick. Many relationships look really great none of us know what is really going on unless we get close enough to see the reality. On one level I am glad to know the truth about my ex husband because I certainly had a rosy view of his life . Perhaps I am willing to be objective
I know most of my relationships included these sentiments of loyalty friendship and #love# I think now what I considered to be love waa actually fear and desperation on my part oh and a great fear of abandonment I know In al anon I found a lot of support care and understanding. Most of all I found good will. I don't know that I.had that before (certainly not in my dysfunctional family) I don't know that I brought good will with me into my life
I am glad you are over the other side oif the hurt abandonment and shock. That was a wealth of material to work through.
Your son might not get a functional father in his life but he has a mature responsible realistic mother. That is a pretty big opportunity.
