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It's been a long time since I've posted anything. I truly thought things were going better. My husband was drinking less and staying home more. I felt like he really wanted our family to work.
Now, about 2 months ago the cycle started again. I can't figure out what my biggest obstacle is. On top of all the binge drinking I'm spending every waking moment trying to figure out if he's cheating on me also.
My husband is "friends" with this other family. There is the husband and wife and the 20-yr-old daughter (from mom's previous marriage). I have met them and I see the connection between the daughter and my husband. He swears there is nothing to it. They are just friends and I'm crazy for thinking otherwise. I just can't shake the feeling there is something there. She likes to go out to parties/drinking (even though she's not legal). She's tall, thin, blonde, etc. - everything I'm not. She calls my husband on his cell phone all the time. He says it's because she needs his help. Her real dad abandoned her as a baby. So, it started out as some hero complex, but it has grown into so much more. He went and helped her with a paper for school - even though he was terrible in school. He helped her buy a new car - worked with the dealer - because he's good at making car deals. Now, I heard him helping her buy a trailer hitch for the new car. She calls him for everything. (The mom does too, so it's the whole bunch). I just can't figure out why she doesn't have friends her own age. My husband is 33. I try to believe him when he says nothing is going on, but it is really hard. Especially when there is so much drinking going on.
The binge drinking the past 2 months has been horrible. He's constantly passing out on the couch and coming to bed at 5am. He says he's going out with the guys, but I thinking I'm starting to find evidence that it's her (not sure yet). I did go through his phone and find text messages between the 2 of them and seemed a little more than friend conversations to me - I confronted him and he said I took them out of context. "Would I leave messages like that on my phone if they meant something."
I went on vacation with my son and my husband stayed home. (He said work cancelled his vacation.) I got home to a full 8-day run of drunkenness.
I have tried reasoning with him to try and save our marriage, but I don't think he wants to save it. He's just more concerned about drinking at home or out with the guys. Don't get me wrong we have had some good days and I still love him. The logical part of me says he is just friends with this family and they lean on him way too much. The emotional side tells me to go with my instincts. I also realize with all of his drinking that there is probably very little way he could be cheating. It would be physically impossible.
Now, here I sit at home while he went out to dinner with the whole family to "watch the game." Part of me realizes that its the disease. He needs to drink and to be around people who drink. He doesn't like staying home with me because I remind him of the fact that he should try to be a responsible adult. I also realizes that the lies about where he's going and who he's with is part of the disease. He'll tell me whatever he thinks will keep me from getting too mad.
I go over in my head what to do. I've tried letting him to and taking care of myself, but that's backfiring. This other girl "needs" my husband and it's drawing him in. Then, I try to be caring and convince him I need him and he says it's weird that I'm acting so affectionate.
I can't win. I don't know when to draw the line in the sand and when to recognize that the line's been crossed. I want to make things work with my husband. I don't want to let him go, but I feel like that he's already gone and I don't know how to get him back.
OK - I feel like I've totally babbled mindlessly. I know I talked more about fidelity than drinking, but trust me he's downing 12+ beers every other night. He's in bad mood until he gets a few in him. On nights he's not drinking, he's popping a couple of vicodin for "his back pain." Sad enough these are the nights we get along better. He had edema in his feet after his week of drinking while I was gone.
I guess my lasting thought is when is enough enough and when do you push the point of calling him on the carpet with the "other woman." I feel like if I accuse too much, I'm just going to push him further away and closer to her.
Has anyone had any similar experiences or can you offer any advice on when you just give up and let him go? I really don't want to. I want to fight for my marriage and my husband. I just don't know how.
I wish I had some great words of wisdom, to offer you, I don't other than I truely feel your pain, and can't imagine what you are going through, just keep posting and sharing your experiences, I feel just getting it off your shoulders, by talking can help enormously, clears your head, and make YOU think clearer, and your answer will present itself, just trust in your HP it will show you the way in time.
Keep you head up, and keep taking care of yourself and your children.
Confused mom, Thank you for being here for all of us who are working the program. We all know the craziness of living with alcoholism. And we are glad you have found us. No one can give you advice about what to do in your situation. We can only give you our experience, strength, and hope. First of all, do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Your thinking and your feelings will be clearer when you begin to take the focus off of him and put it on to yourself. Then you'll be able to figure out what you truly want to do, and what is in your power to do. We have all learned here how to take care of ourselves, through working the program. How do we do that? We go to face to face meetings, we find a sponsor. A sponsor is someone who has more experience in the program than you do, who is willing to help you work the steps. Get a list of phone numbers at the face to face meeting, and use it! When you are feeling especially vulnerable, use the phone list. When you call someone, you actually help them work their program! Start working the Steps with your sponsor. The Steps changed my life. They helped me get in touch with my feelings, they helped me to set boundaries with the alcoholics and other dysfunctional people in my life, they helped me to speak up for myself. The Steps are miracles, but as we say in Alanon: It works, if you work it! Living with an alcoholic makes anyone sick. We need to get help for ourselves as much as the alcoholic does. There is nothing you can do to make him stop drinking. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't change it. The only person you can change is yourself. Boy, is that hard to learn! But being in Alanon has really helped me grow up in my life. Keep coming back. We need you here, just as you need us. mebjk
I wish you could feel my arms wrapping you around in this most amazing hug. I have to be quick, but there is soooo much I wish I could share!! I am just coming out of such a similar situation. I have been married to the love of my life for 10 years, and we have 2 beautiful children. My husband is a professional, and on the outside we seemed to have a very nice life. He is also very dependant on alcohol - which, as you know - makes homelife something very different from what others can see on the outside. The Jekyl and Hyde phenomena is typical in our situations. The man who loves us one minure - will say and do the exact opposite the next. My husband also had a 'friend'. This part by far --- is the most painful. Justification seems to be the other thing that goes with alcoholism -- all behaviour seems to have the most bizarre way of being justified. When I say coming out of a similar situation - I am talking about a complete transfromation in me, that has totally affected my husband in ways unimaginable. OUr lives have absolutey changes, although the alcohol hasn't, yet. I have faith, therefore I have hope. Such divine hope. My home is now peaceful, my children have both parents, and my husbands 'friend' is now on the back burner. It is not perfect, we are still human, and my husband still drinks. I cannot seem to wait for the day that this falls away too. LIke I said, I have faith - so I know it will fall away too. For me, it took the pressure of my husband's desire to leave me and the children to follow this other woman. I will be honest, my first reaction was to wail and cry, claim injustice, and soak in all the sympathy that came my way. I was the victim; he was clearly the bad guy. Poor me. This lasted a few short days, then I realized I could do something aout it. And I did. It has not been easy, still isn't , but I KNOW its worth it. My children deserve it. PM- me if you would like me to share more. Or if you just want to chat. I truly do understand the pain - only someone who lives with what we live with actually can. I never knew life would ever be this way, but it is. And even though it is --- I choose not to be a victim. This takes lots of courage, and LOTS of support. You have it in me if you choose. Take care, you are worth it!! Love, Angie
lisa