Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

OT - Response??

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Serenity I think sending flowers and a card would be a great way to express your concern over her loss.
Remember alanon reminds us to not project and to take the action and to let go of the results
Sending positive thoughts out to you

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

When I lost someone close to me, I appreciated flowers, just knowing that someone cared. Also the simple statement "I am sorry for your loss" was meaningful to me.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

so sorry to read of the loss of mother's friend .. i understand the hard in the relationship with mom .. i had a very rough relation with my parents for years literally but the 4th step healed me just enough in that one area where i was able to make peace with my past and with her too inside my mind n heart (I always thought my being able to make peace depended on 'her) .. but the peace was just sort of a natural outcome of the areas i cleaned up in me .. in that one area there were a few real miracles because honestly ? only a power greater than us 'both half laugh out loud could have had us sitting at the table together drinking coffee actually enjoying ? our time together before she herself passed ..

I like the reminder of letting go of the results as betty posted up there. I think her posting that has me thinking of motive .. if it's the right motive (because we care) it's the right action. wishing you much serenity !

-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Tuesday 20th of February 2018 08:56:47 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Awesome Betty and Me2...that was the lessons that helped me to make real and deep changes in my life with others I kept at distance because of resentments and judgements from the past and effects of the disease in my life. What a relief to understand the meaning of "love anyway" and then the experience of it. Chicken skin reaction to honestly embrace and spend mutual affection with. Letting go and letting God is a recovery miracle to me and I love it. ((((hugs))))) aww

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I honestly just wanted to know if I should send flowers a card or something. I'm not interested in "fixing" anything or analyzing what I need to let go of .. thanks for the feedback hotrod.. I'm going to send flowers tomorrow. I have the families address so I will send a card to them. It seems most appropriate since I haven't seen them since my oldest was a baby at the last funeral. Plus working in the funeral business for a couple of years flowers can be redundant and overwhelming for grieving families. Hugs s :)

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((S))) - so sorry for the loss for your mom....you too if you knew this person! I think a card or flowers either one would be A-OK....since you tried to call and she did not answer, I assume you left a message. If not, and you feel inclined to do so, perhaps dial back and leave a message. Take care!

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

No harm meant in my replying Serenity .. reading your comment of How do I give solace at a distance? brought back my own situation .. beautiful reminder for me as I'm missing my own mom .. in alanon when i read walls i share what comes to my mind an heart hoping for the ole take what we like an leave the rest ..

there are good supportive replies here ..

an thanks for posting Jerry F .. .. reflecting

-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 21st of February 2018 03:31:25 AM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

IAM,

I did speak with her for about 45 seconds she wanted to call me back since she was on the phone with her masseuse. OK .. this is the "normal" for our relationship, so I just kind of said ok briefly said I was sorry about her friend. I sent an email with the same message that I was available if she wanted to talk later. Turns out she didn't I guess, she was on the phone with the family later on. She did email me back so that was a good thing.

I'm def going to send flowers to my mom this morning and then a card if I can find the families address which is buried somewhere in an email. If not I will ask my mom for it. I have my favorite poem about grief which I will include in that with a short note. I feel better about the issue today in terms of what to do .. I have just never dealt with my mom and her loosing someone that's a life long friend. I knew this friend and she's the reason we wound up in California after my mom and dad split. So this is a friend through all kinds of seasons.

It just weirded me out big time.

MeTwo, .. sometimes a question is just a question. I don't mean to sound overly harsh, .. it really was just a question. Which is why I labeled the subject Off Topic (OT). While we are a recovery board sometimes this is where I go to find out how am I suppose to deal with etiquette since I just don't know how to deal with family, I know stranger etiquette .. I don't know family etiquette.

Since you are missing your mom maybe a separate post about that would help you verbalize what you need to get out. Just a suggestion, take what you like.

Hugs all, S :)

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

no worries with the overly harsh Serenity .. we read in meeting openings, we 'understand better than perhaps few others 'can

wishing you the best and i'm glad you worked it out .. thanks for the caring suggestion .. ((( Hugs )))

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Np ..

WestMan · Senior Member

Sorry for your mother's loss of her friend. Personally, I don't want to deal with flowers. I know some people like them but I prefer just a simple card. Maybe if you have a photo of her friend around that you could put in the card. If you don't have a photo writing a short memory of the friend is just as good. For me I would find that very thoughtful.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes on the flowers, my mom loves plants and so for her that's a living memory. I completely agree on flowers and funerals .. I can remember a pillar of the community passing and I'm telling you .. you couldn't move in the little funeral home it was a mess .. the family even requested NO FLOWERS .. we were giving flowers away between us workers. I am doing that today on the card and poem. Unfortunately the most recent memory I have of this family is the fact that my oldest was a baby when we attended the passing of the dad. I haven't seen her for years. She was my mom's travel buddy I might have some pictures my mom has shared with me somewhere I will have to see if I can find something that's a good idea.

This has all been really shocking as of late. I need to catch up with some friends while I am thinking of it other single mom's in my area I have been neglecting not by choice .. by circumstances .. it does bring to home we are all getting older.

Oh ... LOL .. my mom DID talk about coming out. I just am not willing. This is like a tape stuck on auto play .. I already know the conversations .. this is not projection .. I know .. been there done that .. my mom is a control freak X1000 ... it is not pleasant. She lacks the ability to leave things alone and no matter how much I try to accept her where she's at in her presence .. she winds up in a tantrum I wind up with sever anxiety and I'm just not interested at this point and may never be. I don't harbor ill feelings towards my mom .. I just have comes to a point that I don't want that kind of negativity in my life. I think being adopted gives me more freedom to allow myself to say I'm ok with that and not have any kind of guilt attached to it. I have a different relationship with my kids than she had with me .. or at least I want to believe that. My kids call crying over something I don't tell them I have an unknown caller coming in hold on. LOL .. this is who she is .. I have learned to say it doesn't sound like this is a good time and I will talk to you later .. again .. no anger .. it just is, .. LOL .. yes through my tears I pick up the phone and call someone else. My sponsor and I had many conversations about this issue, my sponsor, God love that woman should be considered for sainthood by her church .. witnessed my mother in her full glory and literally pulled me aside and said .. oh goodness has your mom considered Alanon? LOL .. I love her and I miss her soooo badly. I have spent a lot of money on counseling over this stuff and I'm just kind of over it all. I know my limits and this is who we are at this point. I would be happy to spend a weekend out there with her .. I don't want her in my space for weeks at a time. So maybe the youngest and I will go out for a week come summer. It would be a nice break. I'm trying to decide if we will activate the andres fault. I really try to avoid things like that .. lol.

Anyway, I am rambling not looking for input about my mother since I need to qualify that .. LOL .. jut reworking some things in my mind given the circumstances.

Hugs S :)

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Serenity))) - I love the plant idea! I'm more of a plant person, as you say because they carry-on where flowers die. Great idea and sounds like a plan....keep doing you girl - ODAT!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

She got the plants and loved them. It was a neat grouping. She even has the last one I sent still, she is very talented in that way .. I kill plants so it's just not my thing .. LOL.

Anyways, .. I still can't find the address I'm looking for and asked her for it .. lol .. something I hate to do however .. oh well right? She's agitated with good reason and I think it's just hard getting older and not having peace. I told her she's fighting a loosing battle .. we are all going to get there some sooner than others.

Thanks for being here, S :)

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Awesome news - I can keep some alive and others - not so much....but I do enjoy house plants and plants in general...I don't fear getting older but do wonder what it will be like and hope/pray that I am able to do so with grace - we shall see what HP has in store for me!! (((Hugs))) girl...

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Typical phone conversation .. no exaggeration ..

Hi mom how are you?

Her: I think I'm dying today.

Me: what do you think it is?

Her: Oh you know, probably brain cancer. Who knows if I will be alive tomorrow. (thankfully we are not skyping and at this point I am face palming trying not to have it come through over the phone)

Me: Yup, there are no guarantee's. You know what they say we are all marching to the end of our invisible expiration date on the bottom of our feet. None of us are as young as we were yesterday and today is another day closer to the end of it all. Do you have a Dr's appointment?

And the conversation goes from there .. LOL ..

Usually that's enough to shock her into the present of oh well things aren't THAT bad.

I have learned .. LOL .. sometimes slowly sometimes quickly however thank goodness. This is why I have the immediate one line responses I do for about every situation in my life. They lead to interesting conversations. LOL.

I know she's agitated today and I give her space to be agitated because it's unsettling and that's ok. It's probably better I keep my face palming to myself .. lol. Email is best for that one. I know she misses her friend and wasn't really able to see her which I am sad about because they had her on lock down with the flu issues going around.

My point is .. it's easy to focus on what is wrong .. it is harder to focus on what is right .. it is a daily struggle for me to remember that or I sound like my mother .. LOL. So hopefully as I get older and it gets a little more challenging each year I will remember to keep going and keep to the positive side of things.

Hugs S :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene