The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hope for Today - March 30 I developed a lot of confusion about relationships and intimacy while growing up in my alcoholic family. I yearned for closeness yet was terrified when I was in any sort of relationship. My father wasn't able to give me the experience of love and intimacy I needed. I used to resent this until I came to Al-Anon. Through working the Steps and letting them work on me, I came to understand that my father didn't give the love I needed because he didn't have it to give. He, too, struggled with intimacy. Today I am learning how to have the ultimate close relationship -- with myself. Until I am intimate with myself and treat myself with compassion, kindness, trust, acceptance, and love, I can't be the spouse, friend, son, or father I want to be. Intimacy involves sharing my deepest fears and secrets while trusting the other person will accept them. This behavior feels risky to me. I grew up trusting no one, but I know if I keep doing what I've always done, I'll get what I've always gotten. I want to change. Thought for the Day Sharing my intimate self in a safe Al-Anon environment is a risk I'm willing to take. ". . . I learned to be intimate with, and accepting of myself." *How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics*, p. 295 ----------
==============i too yearned for closeness, but "touch" meant violation or abuse....i was terrified....CRAVING or STARVING for love, but terrified of it......i would freeze up in boy-girl relationships.....too many triggers when a male touched me or wanted to get close......my father did the ULTIMATE in betrayal to me...i will be in recovery for the remainder of my life over my psychological and spiritual wounds ......
i too came to 12steps, after many failed relationships, and i discovered HEALTHY love, self love/ self acceptance/ and that i was NOT at fault...it was NOT my crime.......
how do i feel about him now??? even tho he is dead, i realize , even tho i had the RIGHT, i had UNrealistic expectations when i had wanted / hoped that a serial child offender could love me/ nurture me/ give me the life i deserved......he was evil-- incapable of giving ANything good to ANYone.....PERIOD!!!! it happends every day-- children being preyed upon by creatures like that--- it had NOTHING to do with me---- and this program taught me that i am JUST as loveable JUST as acceptable JUST as worthy as anyone else......
i am learning how to be intimate with me and my inner child and of course my higher power....i am learning to love and accept me one INCH at a time....the self loathing is going away--- the self abuse is gone!!!! i am learning that i can love me and my inner child and my God and it is OK, SAFE.....the hate for me i had is being replaced by compassion and treating me like ahuman being......
i don't know if i'll ever be able to respond to a man-- it hasn't been put to the test--- and maybe for now being "mateless" is in my best interest-- i cannot love/accept a man's body if i cannot love/accept my own....i am a work in progress....
i am learning intimacy from my sponser and also i have a close sister and cousin i can share and feel SAFE with.....i can SHARE me now...AFTER they prove to be SAFE!!! i can take risks now...i am no longer fearing rejection/ abandonment....my REAL relationships my HP and my SELF come first, and they are growing....i notice i can be vulnerable with SAFE people now.....so maybe one day i'll be whole enuf to share with a love partner....that is up to my higher power................
You are very fortunate to do this growth before you get into a relationship with a man. I had to do my work while married. I also did inner child work from the sexual abuse I had as a child from a babysitter's family. It was a long road for me and did put alot of pressure on my marriage. You have so much insight into your past as well as your present. Keep up the good work! cdb xoxoxox (((((rosie)))))
Rosie... I am always very moved by your posts. I can't even begin to understand the pain and struggle you deal with.
I was not physically abused as a child, but I am ACOA. My home life was safe, but very cold and cautious. My Mother was a stay at home mom with an AH that she would have left if she had the tools to do so.
I see alot of that appearing in life today. My home life is miles from where it should be, but miles from where I was growing up. I was never beaten, or attacked physically, but I am very slow to initiate affection, or talk about my feelings with anyone.
For some reason this board just sucks it right out of me. I feel such release in being able to let it out for a change.
You are a big part of that inspiration, and my grandest hope for you is that you find the serenity you search for. I just wanted to tell you that.
All men are not pigs, although we play one on TV... LOL
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I can definitely relate to dealing with sexual abuse issues. Certain things trigger at different times. Right now I am dealing with an Easter trigger. After that will be the birthdays and summer issues. Then it will be the holidays (the Christmas holidays are very very hard for me). I try to break down what the triggers bring up. Physical touch can be difficult for me. Oddly enough I welcome the touch and the immersion my pets bring to my life. I don't find their touches triggering and in some ways my pets can be over the top boundary wise. I know however my pets don't have much ambivalence towards me.
I can relate to the task of trying to learn how to trust when there was none as a child. I can also relate to trying to get people to love me who were so way out there - that there was really so little for them to give. Nevertheless they were the only parents I got and grieving them has been such a hard slog that even somedays now it seems overwhelming.
I am so glad that you are here and sharing what works for you.
