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Over the 2 months, as the "story" tumbles out about my husbands addiction...its seems like everyday it's something new. I just want this to not be my life. So the new one is cheating. My sister in law called me the other day and we had been talking for about an hour when she said that she had a really difficult time meeting the family (she has been married to my husbands brother for only 2 years) because of all of the horrible things she had heard about everyone...I said like what? She said like all the drinking, drugs, affairs, etc. I said with who? She kind of paused, at which point I said (like an idiot) If it is about us you don't need to worry I know everything now. I was talking about the drugs, she was talking about my husband cheating. I stayed really calm and it was at this point that I mislead her that I knew all that she was saying already. I wanted details. I think the reason I did that was because I feel like I have been lied to for so long and really don't want to feel like a fool anymore.
Basically, my husband's brother told her my husband has cheated on me constantly over the last 11 years.
This is not shocking to me, it isn't that I haven't ever thought it was possible. I just haven't ever caught him, or been told by someone. I just figure, where there's drinking and drugin that is a possiblity too. But, we live in a small town and I would have thought at some point I would have heard something.
So I confront my husband. He swears up and down his brother is full of crap, he swears on the bible, on our kids, that God can strike him dead (all of which I felt were really a bit extreme to promise on) that he has never cheated. He said that when he was caught (for the drugs) and wrote me a 9 page letter that he came clean on everything, that all he had to confess to is drugs. He says he thought he lost everything at that point and that he had no reason to not tell. He also said he doesn't have a leg to stand on because he has lied to me for so long.
Since then, there is a big family fight going on now...they are all so messed up. I am feeling bad because my sister in law didn't share those things to cause more conflict and I did mislead her into sharing what she knew. She is really upset with me for confronting my husband, and him then calling his family to freak out. I told her I can't control what he does, and I don't know another spouse out there that would just sit on information like this and not confront, but that I only ever wanted to confront him about it.
Anyway, I am sick to my stomach daily, and I don't believe him. And I am heartbroken, and everyday this drama seems to get worse. I am having a really hard time knowing where to go from here. Should I pursue getting to the bottom of this? There are a couple of people I could ask that might actually have the answers. I feel like anytime I have asked people before if they know of any infidelity they never give me a resounding no. Maybe that's just because they honestly don't know anything, but it always feels like they do and just don't want to hurt me. Or feel responsible for our marriage breaking up. I wouldn't feel that way...I just want the truth. I won't go to his family, or his best friends, for one because it would be pointless and I am not trying to cause more problems for any other relationships.
After all this rambling I guess what I am trying to ask is: Should I try to find out the truth or should I resolve that I might never know and try to believe that what he is saying is true? What should I do to handle the situation with my sister in law?
Another thought to throw out there was I was trying to figure out if this was God's way of telling me this is just not a healthy relationship for me. I feel like I just come to terms with one thing and then its something else. Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you all so much, Robyn
I would start with boundaries. What is right for you? An addicted person will deny, deny, deny and say all those folks are crazy. It's is very hard to get the truth out of an active person. Friends do not want to get in the middle, hurt, or betray.
Cannot really tell you what to do here. You could tell your spouse (when he's sober) that things are coming out in the past 2 months, you need your space, time to think. Tell him what is right for you and what is not right for you as you find out for yourself. Hope this helps, and others will post.
I am so sorry for the pain and the lies. I think I could always handle so much more if the truth were just told! I don't know the right answers for you. Do you think you could trust whomever you went to for the truth? Would it truly affect your decisions for your future? Would you try to continue to work things out with your husband if you did find out he had truly cheated on you or would that be a complete "deal breaker" for you? If you would continue to try and work things out then does it matter to know every detail? (It might to you and that is o.k., I'm just giving you questions to think about!!!!) Of course there is always the "he lies, that's just what addicts/alcoholics do" thing. This is what I hate. I read in Getting Them Sober, that that's just what they do. Never assume that it is the truth, because they just can't tell the truth, especially when sick (not in recovery).
I try very hard to not ask my husband questions that he is of course going to lie about--did you drink/drug today. I think that they are compelled to lie because they are afraid to tell you the truth.
Lying is such a hard thing to deal with! I am sorry for all this!
I hope you find the answers you are looking for! I wish for you peace.
I know how you feel about the lying. I hate to be lied to also, but he still does it. I truely think you will never know because lying is the nature of this beast.
I have told my hub many times it's easier just to tell the truth because lying just creates more trouble.
As far as what to do, you just have to search your own heart for that answer. Only you can dicide that.
Your sister-in-law should be a little more understanding or maybe she should walk in your shoes for a mnute.
Take Care of yourself and I will keep you in my prayers.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Unfortunately, I think you have asked a question only you can answer. I am writing to let you know how deeply I feel empathy for you. I have been a similar situation with an ah, and I also wonder at what point do I know enough truth - where does it end. Addiction is full of betrayals.
He is in recovery - just passing his one year mark. Our marraige is in shambles and as we're struggling through it, today he tells me he married me so he could be saved (ugh!). I certainly didn't marry him to save him, yet that's what I tried to do. There was no "love" in that conversation - just function. My point in sharing is that how much truth is good for us? If I know our marraige was based on addictive functioning vs love does this help me? (Answer is yes and no).
It does seem in your situation that you will need to deal with the infidelity to move forward in the marraige in a healthy way - I suspect your gut is telling you the truth, and recovery is all about truth, right?
Whether your marriage is salvagable, my question as well about my marriage. Hope, recovery, peace - what I seek.
Well, robyn, now you know. You can't change that. You can, however, learn to set boundaries with everyone in your family. Why, for example, does everyone know how you and your husband discussed this after your conversation with your sister-in-law? The boundaries you set need to be those that keep YOU safe, and the safety of others will follow on that.
Here is the only ESH I can offer: go to face to face meetings. Listen. Find someone whose Program you admire, and ask them to sponsor you. Get a list of phone numbers. Use the phone when you need help or feel like you are going crazy. If the person you ask to sponsor you says no, don't take it personally, ask someone else. Let your sponsor help guide you through the 12 steps. Write, and share personal things with your sponsor.
These are the only things that work to help us with our disease. But they DO work, if we work them. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, mebjk
You probably don't need to hear what I have to say right now. I am speaking from experience not just in this marriage, but in prior relationships as well. Many people would bury their head in the sand and say that if they are detached they don't really care what their addict is doing. Many think that it's easier not to deal with it and pretend that nothing is going on. We want so badly to believe our husbands (or wives) that we are willing to let it go. I have a problem with letting things go. i feel like if I don't get the truth they are "getting away with something." My head knows that is not true...but my heart doesn't. I could have continued on this past week and not been through the hurt, pain, betrayal...I chose to seek the truth. I didn't think I could live through the pain once I found out. I am living through it and chose to stay with my husband, Just For Today. So what was the point? I am better able to undertand what is going on with him. I am better able to see things that I missed. We finally had an honest conversation about the affairs and so many other things. I feel like we cleared the air. I don't think we can just put things behind us and not deal with them. We can't heal without hurting first. I hurt, we dealt with our issues. No, this may not mean things will work out, but they have a better chance than if we were still living a lie. I know I have rambled a lot here, but my mind is still reeling from my husband's unfaithfulness. Take what you like.
