The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I spoke up honestly for myself without worrying about how he was going to react. He hurt my feelings about how I cooked supper (I always thought I was a pretty decent cook until the 2 husbands I have had both didn't/don't like my cooking). I tried not to make a big deal out of it, I just left the room to take a hot bath and relax. Then everything just kinda hit--feeling sorry for myself about the baby thing, and not being appreciated by my a and so on and so on. He comes in and asks if I'm ok. and I say no. He says well talk to me about it. I have been trying so hard not to talk to him about it knowing that an a can't give me what I really want. He just looked at me and started shaking his head and smiled--I asked what--he says you're just being you falling apart after a crisis is over (thinking I was only upset because he got himself drunk the other night to ,as he called it "shock his system", deter himself for using crack, so in the past 2 days he didn't drink or drug and now he thinks he has found the cure for himself--complete insanity) anyway!!! So I told him that wasn't everything there was other stuff going on in my life too. I proceeded to tell him how I was feeling. Then he begins to tell me well you lots of people have it hard look at so and so ---that started to make me mad. So I just said "no, stop it, you asked what was wrong with me, you wanted me to share, I don't care about how others are feeling right now, I don't want you to try and fix it, I don't want your ideas or opinions, I just want you to listen". Can you believe it, but it worked!! He said "I'm sorry, you're right" and he stopped talking! (NOW THAT is a MIRACLE!!!) So I did feel better--of course after that I didn't really have anything to say because I was just so darn proud of myself for telling him what I wanted.
So today is another day. He got paid have no idea where the money or how much will be left this afternoon, but we had 2 sober days. I need to take that and the good conversation last night and hold on to that!
I truly believe that men (all men) think that if we share a problem with them we expect them to say some insightful or fix it for us. Sometimes all we need is for them to notice and ask us to share and then listen. I screamed at my husband yesterday to "shut up" and told him to just hold me. He looked at me in shock and told me he thought I shared my problems with him for him to fix them and he felt inadequate because there was nothing he could do so he quit asking me what was wrong. I am so proud of you for asking for what you needed...and getting it!
