The material presented
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Hello everyone. Well it is hard for me to write this, but I am feeling lost. I am a mother to 2 beautiful boys, and expecting another little boy in May. I, and they are over the moon with our new addition arriving soon. I am currently working, but have had to cut down a lot on my hours due to unforseen issues at home and with my pregnancy. It has been tough. beyond tough, but I will survive.
I am having major issues with my Husband. We have been together almost 10 years, and married for not quite one year. I have realised I resent him. To the point it makes my blood boil. He is selfish, and at times, I feel he is lazy. I am doing EVERYTHING myself. I am struggling majorly with everything, and have already lost my cool once with him. I told him he was selfish and to help me. He exploded and wrecked some of my things, in front of our children, then left and didn't come home that night. His mother called me a couple of hour after the fight and told me off for saying to him that he was selfish. She then told me he was there, at his parents place, asleep on the couch. Meanwhile I am at home trying to calm my children down, because they have never seen violence in their life. They were traumatised!! That is when it really hit me, and I started to feel as though, that I would be better off alone, hell, I'm already doing it on my own. I explained calmly when he did get home that our relationship needs work if it is to continue and that he needs to pull his weight, and to NEVER EVER do that again, not only in front of my children, but never again do what he did! I told him I can't continue to do it on my own. This lasted about a day. We are now back to where we were. Me getting angry because he won't help me with the children, with their school work, with the housework, NOTHING. I am beyond tired, and well beyond tired of asking. I feel I shouldn't have to ask. I feel as though my marriage is falling apart, and I don't know that I really care anymore.
I don't know how to not resent him. How do I let go and let god. I swear I say the Serenity Prayer at least 50 times a day, I do readings, I ask God for help and his guidance.. I just don't care anymore if I have to pack up my home and leave with my children, I know I have somewhere to go, but it is in another town. I am sick and tired of the tears, the stress, the unknown scares me. I wish things were different, but if he can't see we have a problem here, then how the hell am I supposed to fix it?
Somewhere inside of me thinks that I shouldn't give up, the other part of me says, GO! I know I am fed up with feeling this way and wanted to know if anyone had any readings to help me through this.
Welcome, Amy - I am glad you reached out here. You have so much on your plate ... no wonder your patience is all used up. I'm so sorry for the trauma that you and the children experienced.
In Al-Anon we generally don't give advice about people's relationships, but our literature also suggests that when there is violence, our first priority is the safety of ourselves and children.
When I felt at the end of my rope -- and that enormous resentment just as you feel -- I found understanding and help in places I didn't expect ... friends, some family members, a therapist, Al-Anon meetings. I had to go beyond readings and talk to people face to face or on the phone. In my case, these were the Higher Power talked about in Step Two: "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
There is hope ... and maybe you don't have to make any decisions today, just the decision to have hope and continue reaching out for wisdom and support from those who have been in your shoes.
((Amy)) I'm glad you're here and you're in the right place. I'm sorry for all that's going on and I can relate.
Throwing things is a form of violence that can easily escalate. Please keep yourself and your children safe. Get a safety plan and a few solid backups. i remember those days, when I kept an overnight back for my daughter and one for myself in the trunk of my car.... and it came in handy one day.
Resentments are from expectations that fall short. While it may under most circumstances be reasonable for a spouse to pitch in, his problem can make this a game changer unless he choses to get help.
Do not worry about his mom's words - she is angry that he's back home and not handling life with good skills. Since she can't do anything about him, it was easier to blame you.
Continuing to come to Alanon, work the steps with a sponsor, helped give me better perspective and skills. One thing I am still learning is that I can't force situations... I can't love someone into behaving nicely, etc. It helps when I focus on myself, know what boundary will protect me, and know how to enforce them. Each day, I take the next right steps for me.
I had a similar circumstance with my exAH and his mom. We were able to later mend our relationship from a place of love and forgiveness.
Keep coming back - there is support and hope- this program works.
Hi Amy. I notice you didn't say anything about his drinking. Regardless the behavior is still the same one would experience with an angry alcoholic and effects us the same way. I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Your safety and your children are certainly the most important thing in this whole ordeal you are going through. I had to leave my XAHG when he got violent. The first time I left him I wasn't in alanon and I went back......I guess you could say I didn't have any clear vision of what was really going on. Abnormal had become my own normal. It was soon after that I got into alanon and other support groups. I wish I had stayed in alanon.....but lost site of it after I moved many years later out of state.
I am a double winner in this program. Meaning recovering alcoholic and also very codependent from growing up in an angry alcoholic home. I can relate to your anger and resentments. That is what this stuff does! When I came into this program here on MIP I was so angry and resentful I hated all the alcoholics in my life. Yep, here I am a recovering one myself and the other side of this "dis-ease" bit me in the rear. I was filled with anger, fears and frozen in depression too. I let it go on much too long before realizing what was happening.......
When I came in to this site, it was totally a God thing. I realized that I had been missing all of this. I worked the steps hard, got a sponsor, continued going to the meetings and kept reading everyone's ESH here. ALL the anger and resentment along with the fears left. The way I process what is going on with any of the A's in my life today is making sense now and ...........I keep coming back. It is easy for my brain to get off track on it's own. I am soooooooooooooooo grateful for this program and everyone in it! It has changed my life. Today I have peace and it feels amazing!
((Hugs Amy)) - I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm going to repeat what others have said but first and foremost, please keep you and your kids safe. Violence of any kind is unacceptable behavior - period. And as others have mentioned, it will escalate. Let what his Mom said roll of your back as she would rather blame you than accept her the behavior of your child.
Resentment is hard to work through and let go. Everyone has given great ESH. Keep coming back.
I too send out a warm welcome to MIP Amy. Glad you found us and glad that you shared. I too am sorry for the pain and more that you are experiencing. I too suggest you keep yourself safe and out of harm's way.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Amy and welcome to the Family...It takes courage to work this program when it seems much easier to throw up my hands and walk away from the negativity. I have done that also and I have done and am doing it the Al-Anon Program way.
Resentment was and is a huge issue in recovery and taking the ESH (Experience, Strength and Hopes) of the fellowship learned from those who came before me and who successfully bested the issue was and still is gold. Resentment causes me to rise quickly and angrily to anything or one I feel is threatening me and I rise fast. In short without intending I will make a situation worse for myself and others...much worse.
I don't like the emotional and physical feelings of resentments and my spirit changes quickly. I don't like the out of control condition and will do whatever I can not to go thru it without regard to the perpetrators.
What works best and quickest for me when I can get to it is forgiveness...just forgiveness; an attitude and behavior of forgiveness for no other reason than to relieve myself of the resentments. I have I believe tons of justifications for resentment on a personal and national level. For every justification I also have one and one mostly to forgive and that is me and my recovery health and also those who would become my victims when I act out. I have stopped blaming the disease and the alcoholic/addicts in my life for my problem.
Welcome and oh goodness I can relate only I had one younger one and a very difficult second pregnancy. The drama that went with all of that was unnerving to say the least. You are coming up fast and furious on your latest due date. You have got to be EXHAUSTED!! I'm thinking about HALT .. Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. Those are needs I can address for myself. I hope that you have a separate support group for yourself such as your own family and friends who can take some pressure off of you even if it's to get a nap once a week while your little one's are running about. DO NOT be afraid to call someone and say .. HEY .. I need some relief! My XAH was not available and neither was family, I was so isolated I had no friends either, I was on total empty. I was angry about that .. and that's not a fun place to be in a high risk pregnancy. It wasn't fair to anyone else either. I was so much fun .. LOL .. NOT.
I am a little different in my approach to resentments .. first off, it is completely reasonable to be angry at unreasonable situations .. I know shock right .. I can be in Alanon and still I am allowed to get angry and frustrated with situations that are unreasonable .. umm .. yes .. dealing with someone who is not pulling their weight is not just frustrating it adds to the current exhaustion of being heavy with pregnancy and close to your due date. There is a key thing here .. what do I do with my anger .. do I stay in it or do I let it go. While forgiveness is wonderful .. I do not agree with you snap your fingers and it's gone .. forgiveness is a process and I had to learn I was not giving the green light to someone else to continue doing the same behavior. I was allowing myself to figure out what was and was not ok. I am also figuring out how to let go and how to set different boundaries that protect myself. Him slamming things, breaking things, threatening .. NOT OK. NEVER OK ... and I'm glad you took a stand for yourself. Do you have a plan ABCDEFG .. do you have a safety plan for yourself and your little one's?? Whatever on what the MIL said or didn't say .. doesn't matter the reality is his behavior was beyond out of line.
The other thing unless safety was an issue I do not have to make any decisions today. You are allowed to be in a calm place .. and I say calm because either extremes never work for me. To happy or to upset and I am grasping at straws of feel good or feel betters and again .. not a healthy place for me.
The number one thing that sticks out to me in this situation is be safe and do find support through Alanon OR through a domestic violence office so you can get some additional resources. Please do not put yourself in harms way or your children.
Big hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you everyone. I appreciate the kind words and support. It is a relief to not feel alone anymore. When we go through things and cant help but think we are the only ones going through it. We will see how things go, One day at a time.
Sending much love to you all.
