The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you for response and advice from my first post. I've found a meeting to go to tomorrow. Two other things I'm struggling with that I am sure don't help are:
1. I am able to have 2 to 3 beers when watching a game or while at band practice and stop, but should I be abstaining even when I am not around her? I don't bring alcohol in the house, but I can't tell if my occasional drinking is a trigger. I have abstained for weeks and she drinks. I have had a drink and she doesn't drink. I have also seen the reverse.
2. How do I handle requests to get a bottle of wine at the store? I could say no, but shell just get it anyway and prompt an argument or do I get it because its inevitable and accept her poor choice?
Those are personal choices .. I drink .. however like you I stop at one .. two or don't drink. It depends. Others here don't drink at all for various reasons. I haven't kept alcohol in the house until I left my ex .. it's off on you are not going stock a bar by any means lol. I think you said it best .. she's going to get the alcohol regardless. I can love someone to death .. slowly. I'm not going to buy alcohol for a drunk.. that's MY boundary and that is what alanon taught me what's right for me. I also realized me buying alcohol for someone else was me trying to control how much I thought they should drink. Which was a weird thing to realize. I'm so glad you are going to a meeting it sounds like you are on the right path for your healing. Hugs.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi, Smp, its great you are going to a meeting! I express hope its gonna be good and provide you with support. I was lucky to love both different meetings I have attended, and continue to attend. I can share that I used to buy alcohol for my ex-abf for years, several reasons I had - try to control his alcohol intake, then fear of my refusal to go buy it would create a backlash, me falling for his manipulations. I continued to do it against my better judgment for very long... When I finally got too sick to help him work towards what I saw/see as a slow suicide, there WAS backlash from him, boy it was bad for me. In Alanon we learn not to do for others what they can do for themselves. My buying alcohol was based in terrible fear, and desire to control. It was not healthy for me to do. In fact, I learned to hate doing it while still continuing to do it. And it also wasn't at all healthy for the A. Looking at your motives for bringing alcohol to your wife could bring better clarity. I made myself completely miserable, and guess what, when I finally was sick and tired enough and said NO, he was fine and could provide himself with alcohol. I couldn't understand for months while in the program how taking care of me, my health, emotional and spiritual well-being could make my life situation better. I had to stop buying alcohol for me as much as him, because I was hurting myself as well as him. Take what you like and leave the rest. Keep coming back and reaching out. I came to my first meeting last January, and I have so much to be grateful for already. It works when we work it!
Welcome Smp-Once I realized my spouse had a serious drinking problem, I refused to support her addiction in any way. Alanon has taught me to put my focus on myself. My addict will do what she will do and I learned I have no control over anyone else. It's been a challenge to learn how to have control over myself yet I continue to change and grow. 4 and a half years in program have allowed me to move forward in a positive way and I will continue to work on myself. I feel so much better, Lyne
Hi Smp. Way to go on finding a meeting! Glad you are here and hope you keep coming back. Due to the nature of alcohol, we have just as great a problem as the drinkers in our lives. In Alanon we learn healthy boundaries and learn to feel at peace regardless of what is going on with the A's in our lives. Keep coming back!
As with most things it is completely up to you what is best for your situation. As you stated, no matter what you drank or didn't drink your partner did what they are going to do . For me I do not and have not ever purchased alcohol for my qualifier. I do not drink around her nor drink if I am going to be seeing her that day. It just doesn't feel right to me and makes me feel uncomfortable. Also alcohol is a take it or leave it thing for me so most of the time I leave it. However, my AD realizes and accepts that the world isn't about to change for her so she has to learn to deal with it when she is faced with people drinking. That's reality.
