The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi. I'm new here. I couldn't find a local meeting, so I hope I can share here. I'm married to an alcoholic. What brings me here now is that over the holidays I experienced a level of hurt that I can't seem to resolve.
My inlaws moved 500 miles away before we got married. My father in law died five years ago and my husband feels he needs to be there for his mother. He calls her every almost every day and she texts him practically every night. I used to accept that, but now I resent it.
Here's the big problem: My husband also insists that any time he takes off work, including vacations, have to be spent traveling to his mother's home and doing chores for her. It sounds noble and what nice person could argue with that?
Before father in law died, husband and I took vacations and traveled around the U.S. and also went on a wonderful cruise with his cousins. Now he won't even talk about taking a vacation, just us.
When we were first married, we saw a counselor who told him he needed to put me first in our marriage. It took some time, and things were better for many years.
I'm torn between being "easy going" and going with the flow and with "what about me?"
We have to go to her home for Thanksgiving, and then another week at Christmas. I started staying home for the Christmas trip. I thought he might rethink things if he had to make the drive by himself. It didn't make a difference.
When I talked about my feelings with him, he said he understood, but this was something he needed to do. He told me that if I wanted to go on trips by myself, he would be ok with that. (It's hard to find a time when he isn't full of alcohol to even have a serious talk.)
Right now, I'm upset. I've stirred things up that are very uncomfortable and that I've kept buried as a way of coping and accepting the things I cannot change. I want a life with my husband. I try to be grateful for what I have. I try to accept what I cannot change. But I'm very resentful and keep remembering how awful his parents were to me and my son (from another marriage) for so many years.
Hi, I am sorry you are going through this. My husband's family is also very dysfunctional and that's hard for me to navigate. I hope you can find meetings. Maybe talking it over with someone from program you trust might help. These things are very hard to work out because there is no "right" answer, just what is right for you. There is a lot of help in AlAnon.
Keep coming back.
Welcome Alanon is a fellowship of members who share their ESH in order to find a new way of living after being affected by the disease of alcoholism . Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number in the White pages. If alcoholism is driving your partner's actions then I suggest that you search out meetings and attend. It is at these meetingss that we learn to keep the focus on ourslves, aas we live one day at at a time. Keep coming back
Welcome to MIP Chim - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I can hear your disappointment and am sorry for you. Alcoholism is a family disease and almost all are affected - often in ways we don't even know. I am 4th or 5th generation and my sons are the next - it is genetic and does create dysfunction.
I can readily admit that I as the only girl and the baby of my family do most of the caretaking of my parents. They are in their 80s and live 18 hours away by car. I do spend all my vacations going there and host them here whenever they want. I believe this is my duty and my way of giving back for all they gave to me and for my life. They are not thrilled with my chosen spouse and know parts of the extreme chaos the disease has brought into my marriage yet they've grown to accept. My AH has come one time in 10 years.
I do take girl weekend trips when I can and often do my own thing. Al-Anon helped me realize that I truly have all that I need and that sometimes my wants are not realistic or possible. I take life one day at a time and just try to enjoy each day no matter what it brings.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Glad you are here Chim! I came in December to this forum and was way past resentment. I shudder to think of how angry and fearful I had become. Being here, My HP who I call God, attending the online meetings (You mentioned you could not find any meetings in your area, I do have one but it's over an hour away) working hard on the steps and having a wonderful sponsor has saved my rear! The fears are gone, the anger is gone. It really is a wonderful program. I am learning, I make mistakes but deep down I have peace and that makes it all worth it!!
Thank you all for the welcome and support. Just sharing really helped me move on. It's just weird how the negative thoughts just seem to take over. I think I was angry at myself for being a martyr. I could have gone with husband and had a fine time, but I chose to stay home. I read a quote that when everything is taken from us, we can still choose our attitude towards our experience.
Great awareness chimchimaree! Practicing Al-Anon recovery really helps me with my attitude. Sounds like it's working for you too!
I must admit each time I see your username, the song flies into my brain...great choice! Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
