The material presented
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AH had his first relapse Monday night. I expected it was coming for a variety of reasons - number one being that the abrupt change in him was just too easy. I had hope of course that he would be one of those who just put it down one day and never looked back, but my optimism was very cautious, and moreso the longer he went without. Number two was that he found out he was going to have to be out of town for work overnight due to a late meeting a couple of hours away. I knew then that thatās when it would happen. I asked him if heād like for me to go with him (knowing in my heart already what he would say but wanting to offer him the support of my being there if he wanted). He quickly and adamantly said no. His reaction sealed it - his plan was to drink and I needed to let him make that choice. I expected to have a deep sinking feeling when he left Monday morning. I expected to be angry and nervous and worried. Instead, I just felt resigned. It was going to be what is was going to be and I wasnāt even tempted to try to control it. He called me at 9:00 Tuesday morning, obviously still drunk. No idea how much he drank (obviously a lot) or what time he finally passed out (if he even did - he may have been up all night for all I know) and for the first time ever I didnāt press him for details or nag him about it. He wanted to talk but I made it clear that since he was drunk, that wasnāt going to happen. I told him to be careful coming home (he obviously wasnāt going into the office in the condition he was in), hung up and continued on with my day. He was home when I got back late in the afternoon. We barely spoke - both because he was hung over and because I just really have nothing left to say. Iām not really disappointed (ok, so I am) but what Iām really feeling is just...tired. Tired of every emotion and every unknown that comes with this disease. Tired of hoping and tired of waiting. He was doing really well and made it one month exactly. Proud of him for that accomplishment but itās not going to be enough. He canāt just hold up that one month of sobriety like a banner that claims āSEE - IāM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC...I CAN STOP ANYTIME I WANT TO!ā He knows thatās not going to cut it with me and his complete abstinence is absolutely non-negotiable. Iāll give him some time to find his footing - a few missteps are expected - but at some point, the sober life is going to have to stick or I will be left with no choice but to move on with my life without him. I canāt do this forever. Love by itself just isnāt enough anymore.
have you been to face to face meetings Twinkie ? saying this lovingly .. if not ? start packing . he has a disease he cannot control .. you are right to expect relapses .. alcoholism is a thinking disease .. not just drinking .. yep a month at best is the level of his power .. at some point it will happen again .. And we on the otherhand have one Too .. we too want quick fixes .. things to work for us as fast as the alcohol works for them (or at least the way they 'think it will) .. no judgments or criticism in this .. sometimes ? we are just as difficult to reason with ... others can suggest meetings to us and we may or may not ever get there .. we also may go an quit when things take too long .. truth is while we have some realistic expectations we have some unreal expectations too .. when i first started recovery i thought too 'he' was 'my' problem .. or at least the alcohol was .. but in the words of Lois .. alcohol was not 'my problem .. alcohol was the problem of the alcoholic (hard to believe i know) .. i was also so sure we both knew there was a problem and his drinking was it .. but for him ? drinking was a solution so .. (I) became his problem when i came along an said lets talk feelings boundaries truths ? hmm i wasn't his problem Either .. the truth is we read in every meeting face to face .. we can be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not .. a.k.a even happy or not and without such spiritual help living with (or loving) an alcoholic is too much for most of us .. alanon is a we program not a me program .. we need the fellowship the steps the guidance of sponsor and most of all consistency with a commitment to keep going back .. they lead us to the door and 'sometimes ? we 'even become grateful it's us .. we suggest to newcomers 'only (never advice) to make no life changing decisions for several months (or until preferably after having worked the steps with sponsor) .. to be sure we are making those decisions with a deeper understanding of both .. disease & recovery .. wishing you the best .. been there and lord knows it isn't easy (alone) .. still moving through best i can .. i am definitely a work in progress .. much i can't change 'yet but much hope i have of 'being changed ..
I am sooo sorry, however it's just been my experience without some kind of program and I don't care what it is .. I have seen people turn to their religion and get clean or turn to a 12 step program to get clean (there are variations of it) I have rarely seen anyone be able to do it alone. Alcoholism/addiction itself is so incredibly isolating. Not just for the addict for everyone else involved .. walking through eggs waiting for the next one to break .. no one should live like that.
I hope for your own sake and sanity as well as happiness since it's an inside job .. you continue to stick around here and submerse yourself in the support here. It doesn't matter if he's drinking or not .. you deserve happiness without the ultimatum. I call changing the relationship, location or whatever .. I just changed the haircut .. my issues are my issues. They will follow me into the next relationship .. or they pop up on me when I least expect it and I have had a good laugh at myself from time to time. When I first came to Alanon .. I thought if my XAH would just stop drinking everything would be fine .. and the reality was .. it doesn't matter .. I brought my issues into the relationship .. I had my part .. however I do not own the drinking and the crazy stuff that went with it .. this includes .. DUI's, job loss and so on, those are things he did to himself and that was his part. I totally brought my stuff and my character defects into an already volatile situation.
It didn't matter who I was with .. if I didn't start to change me I was going to continue to get what I got and I just was sick and tired of living life angry, hopeless and totally irritable .. even though based upon the situation .. these were healthy responses .. I couldn't get out of them.
I found out that I wasn't the drink police .. it didn't matter what I did .. alcoholism was a very powerful, cunning and baffling disease. I am no match for any kind of addiction within myself or someone else alone .. I need people to remind me that I can be happy, healthy and whole regardless of the unmanageability of my own life.
Big hugs, S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Your post takes me right back. That awful sinking feeling. The disappointment was overwhelming and then i got angry and resentful and the merrygoround juat kept turning. I did this for almost 20 yrs. It amazes me how deep my denial actually was. I became insane and stuck in this and I couldn't even see it. I don't know if ypur a member or not but its great you were able to not let this devastate you. Have you read the merrygoround called denial. I'm sure it's available online. It's a wee bit old fashioned but what an eye opener for me to see my part in the whole thing.
After being through "this" once before, and knowing myself better through Al-Anon, I realized that I had been settling with "second-best" for years. Not only could I not live with the disease (no matter how "healthy" I am evolving), but I now know I deserve so much more... and I am the one to give it to me!
Wishing you peace today.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hi Twinkie,
I'm sorry to hear about your disappointment. I can relate to when my AH would quit or cut back for a while and then I would find evidence that he was drinking again. I was attending meetings and couldn't quite grasp the first step that I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. How the heck could I be powerless over a can of beer? I kept demanding that my AH choose between me and the booze absolutely certain that I would win that battle. We had a really good week or two maybe even three at that point and it seemed as though he wasn't drinking. Then one night he went to bed early after acting very strange and I went to throw out some recycling and found a whole pile of empties in the bin. He had been coming home from work having a few drinks before I got home hiding them and then drinking a little later so he would never appear too drunk, It quite literally took my breath away and that was the moment I realized I WAS powerless. He wasn't going to choose me over the booze because he couldn't. It wasn't possible. I cried, I raged, I wrote about it in my journal and I realized how unmanageable my life had become trying to battle something I had no control over. All that time spent watching, waiting, holding my breath was for nothing. Wasted time. So I decided to try to let go. Let go of trying to predict what he was going to do, let go of the certainty that he would quit, let go of trying to control his drinking by monitoring him, watching him, waiting on him and I started to turn that focus on myself. I am forever grateful for the hope that Al anon gave me. Hope for me! I learned how to focus on what I need (separate from my AH) and to get my own needs met. I opened up to trusted people (al Anon people) about my feelings of what was going on in my marriage. I started to let go and let God with my AH. This gave me the freedom to focus on what I needed. First and foremost it was sleep. I got a lot of sleep. I made my sleep my number one priority. Once I was better rested I started to focus on what else I needed. I slowly worked a way at reducing my isolation, taking care of my health, getting long left tasks accomplished most importantly I found a sponsor and started working the steps. Slowly the more work I did for myself, the more I focused on me, my needs, my reactions my part in my problems9 etc the better things got at home. I noticed changes in my daughter and my AH. Even though he has not quit drinking our relationship has improved immensely. The best thing I ever did was let go and give back responsibility to my AH for his actions. Then I focused on myself. It wasn't easy but now my days aren't filled wondering what he is going to do they are spent more often than not focused on my own life. There is hope. Face to face meetings are so helpful I hope you are attending them. Wishing you all the best.
(((Twinkie))) - I too send you positive thoughts and prayers. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. I too would suggest getting to some meetings and building local support - they carried me through many relapses - theirs and mine. It is extremely disappointing and just so very sad. I hope you take good care of yourself and feel the love from us here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Hugs Twinkies))) - I'm in a similar situation and my thoughts & prayers go out to you. My only ESH is to definitely make sure you are going to F2F meetings and focusing on you. My AH had a sober month back in Sept. and then relapsed from Oct. through the holidays until last week. He has decided he doesn't want to lose me so he stopped drinking on Friday. (I had set a boundary.....) Although he's using naltrexone to prevent the desire & reward, he's not following any other program. Like you were, I'm just waiting for things to change. However, I am living one day at a time so I'm grateful for each good day and I have to work very hard not to project into the future! I have learned quite a bit in AlAnon - I'm learning to focus on me. I'm finding I'm also feeling a lot of grief at the loss of my marriage and the way it was before the alcohol came in to push me out. I'm sad at how I've come to realize that I wasn't taking care of myself or sticking up for my own feelings. I still have a lot of work to do with my therapist and even my sponsor on that one. However, I know that what ever happens, I will be ok. As far as meetings, I can tell you they are making a difference as my 13 yr old son makes sure I go. He said I'm different; I'm "better' then I was. Of course, then I'm sad that this disease (which I did not grow up with) has taken over my life and my actions. Ugh.
Relapse prevention is a big part of recovery I know the ex A relapsed the first day out of rehab. Personally I.dont think he ever intended to be sober. He put on.a real good show.
I think the pain of betrayal and d9 appointment is very hard.
That is one reason I had to revise my.exoectations around any.addict alcoholic (not in recovery) . I expect.them to lie be sneaky and be looking for an excuse to drink.
I resisted revising my expectations on a lot of levels. Nevertheless once I.did I no longer had that deep sense of betrayal and disappointment
For me personally around an alcoholic addict there is no assumption they will hold their end up Personally I think I am blimp on the horizon.around them because their obsession with.alcohol is so all.comsuming
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. Unfortunately I really canāt do f2f meetings right now. With everything going on in my life right now, I have very little time to spare, and the hours I do have donāt line up with any f2f meetings. Thatās not an excuse to deny myself the opportunity, or to put myself last instead of first - it really is my reality right now. But Iām able to come here, Iām able to read and even when Iām busy with life, I am still thinking and actively trying to implement the changes I need to make. I hope to someday make it to some meetings, but for now, Iāve at least found this place. Iāve been doing pretty well at āletting go and letting Godā but the past week or so, I did let some of that old anxiety slip back in and I let it lead me into trying to predict the future again. Devoting myself today to getting that ālive in the momentā mindset back. Breathing deeply, staying busy, and getting done what needs to be done. What will be will be and while I can choose how to react, I canāt control the whole narrative. Thank you all for reminding me of that. (((Hugs))) to all of you.
((( Twinkies))) and thank you for the post. It sure brought me back to reality today! And, thank you all for the responses. It is truly in here I find/am finding my sanity. I didn't realize my emotions were getting in high gear with super bowl Sunday coming up.......The AF has been doing well but what blindsided me is the insanity of someone going somewhere with the intent of drinking........then driving home. Still not sure if H is an A or a problem A.......whatever. It doesn't matter. What matters is how I take care of me and my own responses to it all. I'm not feeling very peaceful at the moment over the impending bowl party....I'm grateful I don't have to go.
I'm so grateful for this program, this site and all of you! F2F meetings during the day here (I no longer drive at night) are over an hour away. I keep searching for another one to come up a bit closer. Geezzzzzz I would freakin start one if I had more time and a better grasp on all this. I'm simply not ready yet and that's all there is to it. For now God has me here and I plan on staying and working the steps, learning more and in all reality, will most likely be on here the rest of my life lol.
Even with F2F once a week I don't feel I have enough grasp on all of this to miss out. In the past week+ I was blacklisted off the group via a trojan, had appointments and errands....all it has taken is to miss several meetings and I feel out in left field!
Hugs and thank you again Twinkies. The ESH's always amaze me.
