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Post Info TOPIC: update


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 102
Date:
update


Hi friends, 

I wanted to update. 

I have managed to get to a F2F meeting. It was fantastic. Made such a difference that it was in English.... and in my home culture.... whoa. I felt crazy relief. There was some catching up after the meeting - it was lovely. 

I am living with my mum. She is a sick woman. She is also an adult child of alcoholics and a problem drinker herself. She is good and kind to me - just look, she's letting me live in her house. But unfortunately, she is just a pretty negative person. She doesn't ever say anything positive about me or my son. Like she has never once said he is sweet, cute... whatever. Her only grandson. She never says anything positive to me. Ever. Like she never says "that's great!" "That's good/interesting" or asks me any follow up questions about what I say. It's so WEIRD to me. I keep thinking she is pissed off at me, and sometimes she is, but I just don't get it. At the same time she paid to fly me over here, is letting me stay, helping me pay for things, she helped me clean out the whole apartment. 

Someone said at the meeting that for her recovery is about choosing to look at the perspective that is nicer to look at. She gave the example that at the back of her house, she has an area where she meditates in the morning. She has a view of some shops or she can turn her head and see a beautiful tree. She says that recovery is about making the choice to look at the tree.

I know with my mum I have a lot of "good" to look at. But part of me is holding on to resentment and self-pity and just plain sadness that she isn't kind and nice and sweet. I am desperate to be looked after. I just want someone to say "you're doing such a good job, I love you."

It interests me that no sooner did my husband go to rehab than I started focusing so much on all these issues with my mum. I ask myself if I am actually the one making an issue out of this stuff becuase I am so accustomed to having "problem" people in my life to deal with and to create drama around. I mean these days the drama is all in my head, but in the past it has been real. 

I haven't heard from my husband. 

I haven't decided if I want to stay here fore the next 6 months or not. That it itself is progress. I actually feel really alright about not having made the decision. I have given myself two weeks (I am one week in). I am going to gather some info in that time and then see if I am ready to decide. 

Thanks for listening



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 396
Date:

Hi Annie,

I'm so glad you found a meeting. I know it was a struggle for you to say the least. It is fascinating how we focus on others as we work the steps. I did that too. Just as soon as I felt wonderful in being able to truly release the main A in my life that was causing me so much distress and craziness.........(of course it was all my distorted thinking and trying to manage everything) The steps brought up another person and another one.......that I was working thru my emotions on. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I'm sure more will pop up along the way but it is the way I look at it now that makes all the difference. None of the negative emotional junk. All of it fell together for me as I continued to work the steps with my sponsor and go to the meetings. The release and healing from all that old junk is just gone. God has truly given me a spiritual awakening as a direct result of working the steps.

Hugs and nice to hear from you!

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1095
Date:

Hi Annie,

Thanks for the update. You are doing great.

I notice that when I focus on the qualifiers in my life and my relationships with them, I can be pretty unhappy. If I instead focus on myself and my life, I am able to enjoy myself and I feel happy. I remember when my sister and I were kids, my mom often said "Don't you worry about her, you just worry about your own self and what you are doing." Somehow, repeating that to myself now helps me to keep my focus on myself when I am really upset about how a relationship is going. Usually it is not the relationship that is the problem, it is needs that I have that I expect to be fulfilled by the relationship that are not being met. If I focus on myself and my own needs and wants, then I can build relationships that help me get those needs and wants fulfilled, and I am able to appreciate each relationship for what it is, instead of what it is not.

Hugs to you and your very cute-sounding little boy!

__________________

Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3496
Date:

Awesome on the meeting!!

I really hope that you will reach out for a sponsor that is so key for healing for me .. it was someone who DID say all of those wonderful things to me the validation I didn't get from my parents.

I wanted to share that my mom or dad did not do those things for me and somehow my HP has blessed me with multiple people who are my cheerleaders and I am sooo appreciative of that fact. Some people do not know how to give compliments or say "I'm proud of you." "I see how hard you are trying" or even "this must be a difficult time for you and I support you." I think age for me has finally given me some perspective as to my mom didn't get those things from her mom and so how would she give those things out, these are women who didn't learn at any point how to do something that seems so simple and means so much.

Something that has come to light for me this weekend is the lesson again .. how much pain do I cause myself? I can try to get my mom to be someone she's not .. or I can give her those things I know she's lacking and not expect her to return those or be different than she is. My mom is horribly negative .. LOL .. I swear she would meet Saint Peter at the gates and complain about the temperature of heaven .. LOL. She's 76 years old and I don't expect her to change .. so I go with the saying bless her, change me. I can change even if she chooses not to for whatever reason.

Big hugs and just so you know .. you ARE doing a great job and I bet your little boy is amazing.

S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
Date:

Annie - I too applaud you for finding a meeting and I am glad you found it awesome! All I know about my recovery is the more I look beyond myself, the less serenity I have. I have to keep things really, really simple and look for what is good and working. I see a bit of that in your post - great job! I do find the simple things - gratitude lists, asset lists, focusing on today, small acts of service/kindness - all help me feel better about my place and me, just for today.

My mother has been a drag most of my life. I've rarely seen her smile unless she's under the influence. Yet, by working on my recovery including the steps with a great sponsor, I have found my peace with who I am and who she is. I know now deep in my heart that who she is has nothing to do with me and she does not mean any ill-will...it's just how she learned what she learned as she was a child. She is also an ACoA, untreated. The best course of action that has come is my daily effort to break the cycle. I reach out often, if if the calls are less than one minute. I always say I love you at the end of every conversation even when it's not returned. I go out of my way to find positive things my sons are doing even when they are active in this disease. I grew up with perpetual criticism and a sense of uselessness and inferiority. Recovery has given me a purpose and a belonging never before possible.

One day at a time, we examine who we are, where we are and make a decision to allow a power greater than us to lead us to a better way. That's how I roll - sometimes one moment at a time. (((Hugs))) to you - you are doing great and it's good to hear your update!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 675
Date:

Hi, Annie, I, too, think you are doing great! Its also great to hear your meeting was good!!! My father has been and is emotionally unavailable, and I haven't really dug into that whole relationship yet... But I see, intellectually at least, that he is this way, and it is not a reflection of me. However, I realize his unavailability has impacted me and my whole outlook on life, only I haven't yet figured out how exactly. I hope doing the steps with a sponsor will shed some light on that. I'm grateful that I at least had been spared physical or sexual violence as a child, I hear of others' terrible experiences growing up with an A parent, and I can consider myself lucky. (((Hugs))), keep coming back

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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 102
Date:

Thanks all for the lovely responses. It means so much.


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