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I have not been speaking to my husband in 2 weeks. He had a 3 day disappearing act and then a week later took my son w/him to a friends house where he was drinking. He got mad @ me b/c @ 11:00pm I came & got my son to take him home where he'd be safe. So we haven't been speaking.
Last night @ 7:30 I was on my way home from a hard day. He text me "Even though we have had some hard times and still do, all my fault, theres no one in the world I'd rather be with". It actually pissed me off royally. I figure he is getting scared now b/c he knows I am going to leave him & take the kids. So he is trying to keep me drawn to him. And what really pissed me off was b/c I knew he wasn't home when sending it b/c we don't get tower @ home & our cell phones won't work. Sure enough when I got there, he was not there. I knew at that point that he wasn't coming home last night AGAIN.
So he was probably out all night last night getting drunk & high and won't show up @ work today. This is a new job and he has already not shown up 2 days in a row 2 weeks ago. I thoguht he'd ben fired then but I guess not. I am sure that if he doesn't show up today he will be fired.
I just don't get it. Why in the world would he text me something like that when he knew he was out doing something that he shouldn't? Was it to ease his guilt? To try to get me to stay w/him? All he succeeded in doing is making me even more mad and even more determined to leave.
I just wish (and I know it is wishing in vain) that he had never started up this crap. I was dealing w/the alcoholism ok. But the cocaine use - I just can't cope w/it. I feel like I am quitting on him but he quit on me a long time ago. I feel like I am letting him down by leaving him but he has let me & the kids down more times that I can count. I am so tired of being miserable & pretending that everything is ok in front of the kids.
Hi QOD! Sorry to hear about your difficulties, and I recognise them well from having been there! Alcoholism (and addiction) is a disease that is "cunning, baffling and powerful", and one of the MOST difficult aspects of it is the manipulativeness that is such an essential part of the sickness. They have to play these games and twist our minds in order to keep us "in the game" so they can feel justified in continuing to use. And they themselves don't KNOW why they have to do this! Once I started learning about the disease (for instance, the book "The Games Alcoholics Play", and many many others), it helped me reach a place where I could understand the first step, which is about admitting our powerlessness over the disease or them, and come to some level of detachment as I started learning how to put the focus on myself, and start taking care of myself! This is a process that doesn't happen overnight, but with continued daily working of the recovery program for myself, I gradually worked my way up out of that snake pit! Now I am grateful for any little signs of "unmanageabililty" because they send me straight to step two, which is believing in a higher power who can restore me to sanity.
Alcoholism is insanity. If we spend our time pushing it down, we go down with it. The only hope is to let go and work on ourselves.
No need to apologise, better out than in I say. We all need to vent sometimes and this is a safe place to do it. I thought what your A said in his text was actually quite lovely but unfortunately, if he's using it probably is more about him than you and could well be some sort of manipulation or guilt trip or power-play. I don't know your A so maybe he meant it from the bottom of his heart. Mine never even made the effort to humour me or reassure me, when he 'went dark' that was it, no communication-nothing. Occasionally, I'd know he was still alive as I'd go home and find things moved or messed up but never a note saying "I'm ok, don't know when I'll be home next." Isn't it sad how we end up not being able to believe anything they say or feel a need to question their motives? What a wicked disease!
I was thinking maybe it would be more constructive if you could try to stop worrying and wondering about him and put that energy into something nice for you. I can tell your hurting and frustrated, do something that makes you feel good. You deserve it!
I can't tell you why he wrote that. Maybe he meant it, maybe it was to ease his guilt. Maybe he had intentions of coming home and the disease got in the way. Trying to figure this disease out can make us nuts.
My husband doesn't bother witht eh niceties. Often I wish he did, it wouldn't change anything, but maybe it would hurt less, I don't know.
Treat yourself well, I know your frustrated. Keep venting it makes life more bearable, at least someone hears you.
QOD, he's an alcoholic, and if there is one thing I have learned is that if we attempt to understand their ways and expect them to behave normally, we are fooling ourselves. An explanation is not there for you except that he's an A.
I am sorry you are having a tough time now. I pray things will get better for you, and they will if you take care of you and your children and let his HP see to him.
Sincere caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank y'all who have taken the time to read my post and to those who have taken time to reply. I am just so aggrivated. You know, it is 12:40PM on Friday and I still have no clue where he is. He hasn't called or anything. So I am wondering now if he is going to disappear for 3 days again like he did 2 weeks ago. If he didn't show up at work today, I am sure he will be fired. And if he is out there somewhere drinking & getting high, then he probably won't show up for work tomorrow either.
Crappy thing is he is suppose to put new flooring in my kitchen & utility room this weekend so we can put our house on the market. I have made plans for me & the kids to stay gone during the days so we won't be in his way. If he is off having himself a party, then it won't get done. I have thought about hiring someone to come in & do it but he would be livid w/me.
Aaaarrrrgggg.....I just want to sell my house & move on with my life. Enough is enough already.
So sorry for the aggravation and pain you are going through! Just remember to take care of you. My a can say kind words when he knows I am really upset, right now I still fall for them, as I truly believe that is what he feels he just isn't controlled by that he is controlled by the disease.
When I got to the end point with my first husband I didn't care what he said anymore. I was done and it was no longer about him, but about doing for myself. It will be sad if that has to happen again for me, but I hope I can be as clear as you seem to be. When it's time to go, it is just time to go!!!!
Aloha QOD and This will pass and I learned to let it pass without trying to have the answer to why or who or what or when etc. The discription of the disease says that "...it is a compulsion of the mind and alergy of the body that can never be cured, only arrested by total abstinence. It is a fatal disease (not only for the addicted) in that if it is not arrested the alcoholic (addict) is left with three choices, Sobriety, Insanity or Death. The discription goes futher to say that we the spouses, family, friends and associates of he alcoholic are also affected and even worse because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block our reality. We go thru it wide awake. Does this sound something like what you are going thru? With him he has a complusion of the mind and that compulsion comes before God, his health (holistic) and his spouse and family. In spite of anything you feel, inspite of anything you want, in...spite of the disease will run and it will kick his butt till it kills him or he gets sober and clean. He's got to get sober and clean in spite of the chemicals and any desire he has to use them and in spite of an trigger that attempts to drag him back in to it. First off he has to be honest with himself and become willing to do anything in the world to attain that sobriety. He has to want sobriety even in spite of what his wife and family thinks he should do. Alcoholism and drug addiction is the worse disease on the face of this planet and it makes tons of money for people in spite of who suffers (including the alcoholic addict) so he and you are facing an uphill battle and it's okay for you to do what is necessary to get your needs met without feeling guilt and shame (two of our best, used often emotions) because he isn't participating or blessing it. It is his choice to drink and use even though the compulsion to do so is a solid 24/7. It takes his participation...and yours. Try this thought (very weird when I first heard it). "I love you and like having you in my life and I don't need you." You can go on with yourself. You can hire the workmen to get the work done while he is deciding to drink and use. You don't have to put your life on hold when someone else decides no to participate. The consequence of his choices are sad. The consequences of yours don't have to be. When I finally allowed my alcoholic the dignity of the consequences of he choices and took responsibility for my own life my life started to turn around.
The opposite of anger is acceptance. The opposite of frustration is patience. The opposite of procrastination is promptness. The opposite of depression is self forgiveness and self acceptance and love. The opposite of fear is faith.
You can go on. You don't have to wait any longer. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you so much for the advice & support. It really does make sense & help me in so many ways. My husband still has not come home since he left work on Thurs. At least I think he went to work on Thurs. I have not heard from him or anything. It is sad but last night I prayed that he would not comehome. I didn't want to deal w/him.
I understand how you feel. I have felt so let down and disappointed so many times. I told my husband I want a man I can depend on and believe in. Someone on the board told me that asking me to be dependable was like trying to get milk out of a brick wall, it's just not possible. I don't believe that their addiction has anything to do with their love for us. The disease is in control always. I believe they feel incredible amounts of guilt and shame and try to let us know that. I think that his text message may have been him telling you that he loves you, but can't be that person you need right now. I felt incredible amounts of guilt everytime I thought about leaving my husband. When I talked with him about it he would remind me of our wedding vows. I would feel more guilt. Then I thougt that I had to do what is best for me and my children, but I also had to do what is best for my husband. That meant that I had to leave for a while and let him deal with the consequences of his using on his own. My husband is now going to meetings every day and used on Monday. Last night I sat up with him until 2:00am because he was craving, ssweating, shaking...I finally fell asleep and he stayed up and prayed and paced all night. He managed to fight it, but that doesn't mean he will fight it tomorrow or next week or two years down the road. I am back with my husband, but am here because I want to be here, but would have refused to come home out of guilt.
Dear Powerless - thank you so much for sharing that w/me. I am just so confused right now. I love my husband and hate to see him suffering. But more than that I hate to see my kids suffering. He didn't come home Thurs night. He stayed gone until Sunday evening. My daughter told me she missed her daddy and she asked him Sunday night where he was. He just told her he was staying w/a friend. (Some Friend??)
I don't plan on staying in this marriage. It hurts too bad.
Thanks again for sharing. It definately helps to hear what others have and still are going through and how they have handled situations. God Bless You! I will keep you & your husband in my prayers.
