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To say that it's been a LONG 8 weeks is putting it mildly. Lots of new information .. more was totally revealed .. LOL .. I have had awesome moments of parenting and moments that I felt like I had a neon parenting fail sign up over my head .. LOL .. with both of my kids. Parenting is an extremely humbling experience and in some ways it takes a village is a true statement. I just can't be everywhere and so I am learning to ask for help on many different levels.
I'm extremely frustrated with my oldest's boyfriend (don't ask .. that part is complicated enough for me LOL), I do not like this kid and he continues to add strikes to his sheet without intending possibly however this smacks toxic all over the place and in that regard I am heartbroken for me kid. This is a hard lesson to deal with.
2 weeks in school and one week classes were missed because of oldest illness and then this week the boyfriend apparently had a moment of a suicide attempt. I want to be clear .. I am empathetic for this child .. however this is not my kids problem. My kid is missing classes to deal with this and according to the boyfriend MY kid has mental health issues he tried to lecture me on .. yeah .. let me tell you how that's worked out for him .. not. Grrr. Mama bear doesn't do this kind of thing because it is a huge trigger for me of my XAH.
So ask me where HIS parents are who live down the road from us? NO WHERE TO BE FOUND .. I am furious!! Again .. this kid needs help he's 18 years old and I'm sorry at 18 not an adult obviously .. where are the parents? I'm sure this is a huge mess. To say I didn't have kind or nice things to say is an understatement.
Again .. he needs help and my kid who has their own issues is not qualified to help him. I am grateful kiddo called to let me know what was going on .. school didn't want him on campus so they are staying at a hotel. I am angry that my kid who failed last semester is now missing classes .. ugh ugh ugh .. I feel sooo responsible for this because this is what was modeled big time .. again my kid is not this kids mommy/daddy so not my kids problem.
I am so disappointed that my oldest is sacrificing themselves for the sake of a relationship and a toxic on at this point in my mind .. so please keep us all in your prayers. I am headed up this weekend to have a big long listen and discussion about what is currently going on and what the plan is .. btw .. I have not met this boy they have only been "dating" for 4 months and I have no interest in meeting him .. I see him as a mental threat to my kiddo.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Serenity, I pray you have the strength and wisdom of our program to get through this very tough time. I'm behind you 100%, and understand the difficulties of being a parent, and watching your kid make decisions you completely disagree with. Lyne
(((Serenity))) - sending thoughts and prayers for all.....seems like a very difficult situation - be gentle with you and take good care!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Serenity - Huge amounts of support from me! I too know the joys and pitfalls of parenting. I too am looking at my kiddo and sometimes seeing "my" part of the chaos I modeled, and "AH's part" as well. It is not a fun thing to realize. Nor is it an easy thing to step back from.
The good news is that you ARE a great mom! Your oldest has your unconditional support. That is not the same thing as being the enabler of a toxic situation. You have the tools to decipher which is which for you. I am sure you will have to be strong this weekend, and really lean into your program. I will keep you in my prayers.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Well I got much more information than I had last night .. I feel better however not so much.
School classes were attended and whatever was going on homework was worked on at the hospital and so on. So all positive, I am more irritated that why is my kid missing work and where are all of these supposed "friends" I am told that he has .. where is his network? My kiddo is swearing they are not bearing the burden of this however .. hmm .. where are the parents? Have they contacted him? Are they looking at this weekend it seems to me he needs to go home for the weekend. He just tried to commit suicide and this is no joking deal. My kid doesn't have paid time off and I resent the fact that it's costing MY kid time and money for things they need.
So my question was .. what kind of self care are you doing? I was also clear about the book situation .. not paying for the books and honestly missing work I have less desire to help because you aren't helping yourself .. sacrificing yourself .. however not helping. I am not pleased at this point. Also kiddo got a reality check about money meaning tried to tell me 3 days worth of work was 200$ umm .. no it's not. It's more than 50$ short of that and still not 400$. The other issue I have is kiddo was suppose to be on campus by 930am .. nope .. kiddo didn't get back to campus until after 1pm, gotta love Life360 best app ever at this point there is no arguing from me .. I have the stats and it is what it is.
Leaning into my program is the least of it at this point .. lol .. I'm trying to eat and breath it .. this is not easy stuff. I pointed out that I didn't model good behavior relationship wise during some informative years .. now .. that I own .. you don't get to blame me for current choices .. what I'm saying is .. you have the ability to make different choices. I was also clear that I get wanting to be there for a loved one however you better have some back up and if the parents (once again .. helllooo .. what the hell .. ) are not getting involved there might be a reason you need to find out .. you people do not know each other that well and if I find out there is a threat .. there is isolating .. there is manipulation going on .. we are having a different conversation. Kiddo is still really sensitive when I say .. this has the makings of a very toxic relationship and you are only 4 months in .. that's a problem .. it's a problem when someone is being admitted to the hospital over a suicide attempt .. there is a problem if they choose not to seek help .. there is a problem when the parents are checked out .. this is not your job to save anyone .. it is your job to be supportive as a friend and know where you are doing harm and not good .. you are not a Dr .. you do not have the tools to deal with this type of thing and you shouldn't have to .. 18 years old .. ugh .. I shared a story that a girl I went to high school with shortly before we graduated she was diagnosed with MS .. she was so flipping young. During that same time the guy she was dating blew his brains out in front of her. I'm going to say before she even turned 20 she wound up committing suicide .. these types of relationships leave lasting trauma .. these are not healthy relationships if you are not choosing to get help. I personally speculate that as transitioning becomes more and more of a thing .. as my kid gains confidence .. and as he comes into his own .. these situations are going to come up faster .. that's what I'm concerned about. MY kids safety .. MY kids well being .. like I said before .. this kid has parents .. it is part of parenting to guide and advise without over shadowing. This kid needs help end of game.
Anyway, .. I do feel better and I am not buying what kiddo is selling at the moment and I know that is perplexing .. LOL .. whatever .. not my thing.
Hugs and I appreciate the support this is just really difficult at the moment.
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I hear you. I am dealing with a very similar situation with my daughter who is in a very toxic relationship with someone whom is not mentally healthy. Threatened suicide, manipulative, controlling the whole package. She to has missed work, isolated herself from friends whom don't like him or avoids people who do not endorse the situation. . While he is not a terrible evil person there is many many issues that worry me a lot. It has put a strain in our relationship and right now I am working on fixing that. I have said what I need to say loud and clear but she is not ready yet to make any changes so once again powerlessness and acceptance comes into play. I have minimized my exposure to him and keep my opinions to myself at this point as it was only serving to drive her closer to him and away from us. She was not modelled any of this rescuing behaviour while she was growing up, nor was she around any active addiction, so don't beat yourself up for that. I know my girl has inner strength and I am betting that your kiddo does to given the challenges she is taking on and facing. She know her family loves her dearly but we cannot make her do anything. I will be there to love and support my daughter while making sure that I stay focused on my own self care. Hugs. This parenting job is the toughest one ever!!
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 26th of January 2018 01:20:24 AM
