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Hello all. It's been a while. I sure notice when I slack off and stop reading these boards my life becomes unmanageable again! I still can't attend f2f meetings due to a court-ordered conflict. * Here is my question to you all and your ESH would be appreciated since I am so torn on this subject. * I have been in a relationship with a seemingly decent guy for about 6 months. We have become very close he doesn't drink at all and treats me a LOT better than my XAH. *However, he does keep some secrets from me. He won't tell me what his job is (just says it's part-time on the computer and is legal and clean). He also gets very irritated if I ask any questions about his past, especially about him using another name (he either changed his name at one point or set up a fake name in another state, yet he uses and is known by his real name here in the town where we both live). He has told me that he has no criminal history and has never been to jail etc. He has said he will say more when he feels ready (he used to say he would never tell me anything). He has told me several times if I need to break up with him over this to go ahead (imho that means his secrets are more important than I am). * My question is-- am I out of line asking questions about his past and his job? Is it not my business? Or is it prudent of me since I have been very hurt by men keeping secrets? I'm just torn over whether I should press this issue or whether I should butt out. ESH?
Jayla that reminds me of a lesson my sponsor gave, "When you find out you have made a mistake, it is your responsibility to go back and change it". That is what I did and my life started out and continues to work out really well. You can have that ESH for free...not charge. Wish you a great future. ((((hugs))))
What I have figured out, just for me, is I do better with authentic people. I define that my way and what works for me may not work for you! Having said this, I also really, really want others to respect my boundaries, so I do try and do the same in reverse. He's given his boundaries and no matter how concerning they may be, your past is yours and his is his, just for today.
It took me a long while in recovery to see that I had a tendency to lean towards unavailable people. I had to work on my own picker and then determine who best fits well in my circle. Be gentle with you, determine what's best for you and just do the next right thing!
Good to see you again Jayla! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Lol thanks for the *free* ESH Jerry.
Thanks Iamhere. I realize now that I was trying to push his boundaries because I don't agree with them. So I shouldn't have been doing that.
And I do have a habit of picking unavailable men. I didn't realize I had done that this time but it looks like it happened again.
Jayla - it does happen and being aware is how we grow. I suspect it's not his intent - it's also a habit he's formed to self-protect. We all do what we do based on where we've been and what we've experienced. The great thing about recovery is we have tools to deal/heal with our 'stuff' - not everyone does or even knows about it! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
