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I have been listening to the phone bridge and attending meetings. One of the topics that has come up is gossip and I'd like a clarification or ESH. Since my AH began drinking again after a month of sobriety, it was clear as to how much the disease had progressed. A few people close to us knew he was an alcoholic but not many people. For example, I first mentioned it to his sister a few years ago because if anything happened to me, I needed her to know what the kids would be going through if I suddenly wasn't here. I don't want the kids to suffer if I can help it. Anyway, since life around here has become so unmanageable (more like a living hell for me), I decided to let family, and a few very close friends, know what the reality is of my AH's health and alcohol problem. I try to follow the "mean what you say, say what you mean and don't be mean" even when I'm talking to them. He's a high functioning alcoholic so many people would never know unless they were with him throughout the whole day. Even his family, other then his sister and BIL who were staying with, didn't know he was on a bender over Thanksgiving. I truly am the only one he is mean to and lashes out at when he can; most often when no one is around.
Is this gossip? I'm truthfully answering questions when asked especially since it is directly affecting my life and making it unmanageable and very painful. Any ESH would be helpful.
Each of us has to decide what is best for us. The way I see it is that this is just as much my story as it is my AH's, and I can choose to share it with whomever I feel a need to as it affects my life just as much as his. To me, gossip has a dark intention - to purposely cast a bad light on another and exploit their flaws/mistakes to make ourselves feel better or more important. Telling those one relies on and trusts isn't gossip IMO - I have monkeys in this circus too, so to speak, and my truth is mine to handle as I see fit. Personally, I keep that circle pretty tight - my mom knows about AH and I've had some pretty deep conversations with one of his sisters about it, and that's it. His family all know he has a problem with alcohol, but it's not anything we've ever discussed, primarily because they can't/wouldn't offer me any constructive support, so there's no need for me to share anything more than they already know just by being around him.
It took me a while in recovery to be able to separate my feelings and needs from the disease and the diseased. I do not share about the disease, relapses, fears, projections, etc. with anyone as it's not my story to tell. I share 'that' with my sponsor who does a good job helping me find what's mine and what's not mine.
Planning for kids, estate, etc. should happen for all of us - with or without the disease. All my desires/wishes were spelled out formally and filed with a lawyer. I had a plan should I pass as well as a plan should we pass. This is just good sense. I was able to have conversations with family about 'this' without the disease mentioned.
I have a very narrow definition of gossip - me talking about anyone else to anyone else without them being able to join in, explain or defend. I never share anything about the disease in others, only how it's affecting me. A sponsor is very helpful in leading one to what's best for their situation. Anytime I am confused, I try to do some role reversal - if I were the sick one, would I want others talking about me? I really have to check my motives as well as my intentions.
As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((jtpickle))) I'm sorry you have this and I remember experiencing this too. It is a hard time because of the isolation and crazy-making this causes. This is a very powerful, baffling and progressive disease and is like poison to everything it touches. It took years in Alanon and I'm still on my journey to becoming grounded, taking action and not reacting.Thanks to Alanon, I have tools to practice not engaging with "crazy". It's a good thing too, as my HP gives me plenty of opportunities for practice. I do my best to work things that involve others here in Alanon and otherwise disengage from talking about others... I leave them to their own path with their HP. I hope this helps.
I think gossip is another of those lessons that came gradually for me. Gossip for me is fear driven. So when i'm going through a crisis or difficult time with my sons then I do tend to find myself talking to everyone and anyone about it. I've come to see its because im fearful and Im struggling to make the right decisions and if I do come to the right decision then often I look for external approval of the decision I have made. I can at times look to others to alleviate my fears and this is how alcoholism has effected me and its been a hard one to stop. I often look to folk outwith program and of course they cant offer me any or many suggestions especially if they haven't lived with addiction. I do believe its the fear of making the WRONG decision and Im trying really hard to see that I am not judge of right or wrong anymore. I can only make a decision with good motives and let the outcome go good or bad, not my responsibility to judge.
So for me 'gossip' can be black and white like dont repeat whats heard at meetings, an easy one or can be a bit more complex and if fear is still a part of your life then often the talking is a reflection on that.
I think I just got busted......when I thought I was doing pretty well at not gossiping such as the fear driven issue with my family. It got wayyyyyy over the top regarding one person while the crazies were going on and before I got in this program......That has thankfully stopped! Is it gossip on here in the forums to speak of for instance, AH, AF, AM and so forth?
I'm grateful for this thread and the thoughts shared here...
"I can only make a decision with good motives and let the outcome go good or bad." - This so spoke to me. I'm constantly looking for a confirmation that what I do/say/think is "right" its sometimes actually paralyzing, because I don't actually reach out for second opinions often, at least not in straightforward ways, sigh. Turns out I'm pretty adept at sneaky manipulation, when it suits me (this was an "ouch" thing to admit to myself)... I don't like to admit this, but its what I tend to do time and time again, and at least I'm not in denial anymore.
Regarding gossip, though, this is something I've been thinking about from time to time, because I'm not always entirely sure where's the line between simply speaking about a person and gossiping about them. I feel safe sharing good things about them behind a person's back, but I don't feel good (at least afterwards!) after loose-lip episodes that sometimes happen when I have negative things to say about a person behind their back (my ex-boss somehow ends up to be the one for me still).
There was a situation recently in a program meeting, one of the issues that came up was focusing on self in a meeting share vs. focusing on others, what they do/did etc. And I thought it made sense that its very often not possible to share about myself, my feelings, without even mentioning other people and the situation in general, because otherwise nobody would even understand the share, the thought or experience, my emotional response etc. behind it...
I don't think reaching out to trusted friends and family is gossiping. When living with an active addict, especially with children involved, it becomes more of a safety issue.
Not to mention the support that is needed when life gets so confusing.
I also think that a share is just that. It's our prerogative to share what's on our minds at a meeting. When I was brand new to Al Anon and meetings, I would go on and on about what a victim I was , what the A had done just that very day, etc. It was with experience and listening to others share that I learned to keep the focus on myself. If someone comes to a meeting stressed to the point of breaking , sometimes the only way to relieve that stress IS to talk it out. It may seem inappropriate and not in keeping with Al Anon principles but it's how we learn how to handle those stresses in our lives.
JT. is asking for ESH... I came through Alanon in a small town group far and away from North America. For the first 10 years I did not have a sponsor- and really did not need one. The group was close-knit and we really all sponsored each other, inside of the group.
After 10 years i did get a sponsor- and that is another story!
Our group got really large- well over 12 members- not bad for a small town. Sometimes a member would come in at their wits end and the group would throw open the whole meeting to that one member. Looking back that was well in accord with Tradition Four. It only happened every once in a while- and members had regular contact during the week.
"Listening" to JT's post... I became aware of both being listened to, and also being noticed.
Looking back over the years, this was a really important thing for me.
I appreciated your share Anna J, and your topic JT...
I think gossip is when things get made up. Personally I don't think I would have got through dealing with it without acknowledging how much the now ex A's behavior affected me.
There is an issue for me when someonbe breaks boun caries around me to sometimes go overboard on how annoying they are. What I need to do is shore up the boundaries.
I do better with a lot of these issues these says
Personally for me the virulence of alcoholism can be staggering. I am no longer willing to negotiate with an alcoholic. So I no longer have relationships with most of them
Life is really complex and challenging. For me when alcoholism comes along the amount of chaos is unbearable.
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