The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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During the conversation AH and I had on Friday where he essentially asked my permission to drink, I said something to him that I think struck a chord with him. I let him go on about his drinking and what he felt my role in it was (he was trying to shift the blame to me so he could justify drinking ājust a coupleā). I said very little aside from him knowing my thoughts on it and that he was a grown man and the choice to drink or not was his to make. But he did say something that I felt I had to respond more thoroughly to. Something to the effect that one of the reasons he drank so much was because he could āsee the disgust on my face from the first beer he openedā so he figured if I was going to pissed immediately anyway then why stop at just a couple? I just couldnāt let that go entirely so I gave him an analogy - if you come home every day, take your belt off and beat your dog with it, the dog will begin to cower every time you take your belt off, regardless of whether you intend to beat him with it or not. The pattern of taking off the belt is associated with getting beaten and his reaction is now engrained. AHās pattern of drinking wasnāt to have only 2 or 3 beers - it was to have 18 or 20 beers and for him to expect me to respond as though his plan was to only have a couple was unrealistic. He was dumbfounded by that analogy. He had literally never been able to see it from my perspective before. Iām not saying that I was completely blameless - for years I had allowed myself to be controlled by fear the same way the dog was. But much like the dog who eventually runs away to escape the pain and fear, when I started to put my own needs first and began separating myself from his drinking, with plans of leaving eventually, he had to face some ugly truths about his alcoholism. He didnāt want to acknowledge his role in the dynamic weād created but when I was able to put it to him in a way he could understand, he had no choice. It was a big breakthrough for him I think. He got it and him saying to me that he now understood allowed both of us to let go of some of the resentment that has been building over the past few years. We went on to have one of the best weekends weāve had in years. It was filled with peace and acceptance and it felt like maybe we were becoming a āteamā again. We got several projects done that have been put off for way too long, we watched a movie and cuddled on the couch, we spent a long, leisurely morning in the hot tub, drinking coffee and talking about normal, everyday things. We went over our finances more in depth, we are both on board with all of the changes we need to make and have we now have a solid plan. He specifically brought up that now that heās not drinking, that alone will free up a lot of money - so at least at this point, he does have the intention of not drinking again. I know that can change at any moment but itās still helpful to know that his heart is in it. All in all, it was a wonderful few days and although I know it might not last, Iām beginning to have real hope that it will.
Hi Twinkies. I'm glad you were able to express to him in a way it hit the mark.
I notice my own responses to all the A's in my life are very different now. I am learning and yet much further to go. My own responses have caused a change in the A's too since being back in Alanon and working the program. Hope is a good thing for me as long as I place it in the context of not having hope in another person, place or thing. I guess you could say I stopped crawling in the boat with them and it's given me such a better perspective. I have no expectations today. I do fall into that at times but I'm learning if I do this.......I set myself up for disappointments. Hope that all will be ok as long as I continue to do the next right thing is good. Leaving my expectations parked in neutral is also good.
Greetings Tude and Twinkies-I was on a repetitive slippery slope for many years. I was not able to detach or not react. It took program to teach me a new way of living. I was made many promises so that even now while my A has been sober since April, I'm not sure I can ever totally trust again. That's why slogans and steps are very important: ODAT, How important is it, Live and let live, and my sponsor had me practice having no expectations. I'm not perfect at practicing all my tools every single day, but when I fall I do get back up, Lyne
I think not having any expectations as to what my XAH got and didn't would have been a healthier way for me to deal with things. I think I would be better than I was at it today .. I did the best I could considering the insanity I was dealing with. I always wound up disappointed that things didn't go according to plan with him. It was very difficult to deal with that disappointment too. I am not the sober police. He's going to drink or not .. so not on me. I only need to focus on my responses to the situation. I know I could have done some things differently however I needed a clear and clean break to deal with the crazy that was in my life especially with my young kiddos in the house.
He would tell me how he understood, he would tell me some profound things from time to time and I saw that as ah ha .. he gets it .. I felt a little like Professor Higgins in My Fair Lady. By jove I think he's got it! Then reality would kick me in the proverbial behind. It's great that he's putting some time and distance in drinking it's a start and it's a seed and maybe it will stick. If it doesn't .. where are YOU at .. what do YOU want .. what are YOUR goals. Nothing that has to do with the HIMS. Him did this and him did that .. doesn't matter .. the more I sang the Him's the more issues I was dealing with.
Sticking to my side of the street and I really think it's great that you all are communicating because that is sooo important. I do believe that my XAH had intensions of all things grand he said .. however with him he blinked and then it was all gone. He forgot. He was on to the next whatever it was in his case either drink or woman. I know now to stick to my side and let him do him. His stuff is not my issue in the least.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Twinkies...
It sounds like it was a good weekend for you. Loved the anology!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
