The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that this will be a rant against my STBXRAH. I understand that I have to keep the focus on me. But something has happened that has hit me to the core. Things that happen to me suck, but with the tools, I am pretty successfully managing them.
Tonight was different. I have this lovely Boxer. I rescued her 8 years ago. It was during a time when I "knew" my husband had a problem, but I didn't know what kind of problem. I had "hunted" for her for over a year. So this dog became my everything. There was so much I was hiding from my family and kid, but she would sit and listen, try and get into my lap when I cried, and acted as my soulmate. She is a beautiful doggie soul! She was my rock when my husband went to rehab the first time for Meth. Shortly after I adopted her, we found out she had mast-cell cancer. Which is not uncommon for Boxers. Since I had 12 years as a Veterinarian Technician, I knew the outcome, treatments, etc. She has had 3 surgeries since I have owned her to remove tumors and epuli in her mouth. The last surgery was over $1,000 but I used CareCredit. It was 3 days before my husband lost his job for being drunk on the job. I still am paying on $800.00 of that debt. Of course, my AH left me with that and many other debts.
A couple weeks ago, she had been whining a lot. I thought it was her arthritis. Turned out, one of her molars fell out. I had been so busy with all the sh*t going on in my life, I did not notice that she was having dental issues. I examined her mouth and cleaned (hand scaled) her teeth. All looked good except she had many epuli growing again in her mouth. Fast forward to the last couple days... she has been whining again, and her breath is very foul, so I knew she was having problems again. I examined her mouth and she does have an infection in one of her molars and the epuli are really big... many are starting to cover her teeth. This has to be addressed, but I cannot afford it.
So I have spent the last hour wailing. I mean gut-wrenching crying. Way harder than I've cried in a long time.
I guess because I had wanted to be a vet, gone to school, and worked as a vet technician for years, I have always prided myself on being a good pet "mom." After my husband's drug addiction had cleaned our finances out, I have gone without, so that my furbabies could have what they needed. Now I cannot even do this... because of the addict in my life.
Even now, when I am free of him and going to be free of the marriage, THIS feeling of utter despair and inadequacy has gripped me like nothing else has. I have worked so hard to give her the best food and care that I can give at home. I scrimp and save so that I can buy her the $100.00 vial of Adequan for her arthritis. But I cannot provide her with the medical attention she needs right now.
I am feeling such hatred for my spouse right now!
I am trying to use slogans, but honestly..."This too shall pass" just doesn't cut it. Every time she whines it cuts like a knife!
I feel more intense hatred for him about this than anything about me and my loss. But I guess this too can be considered "my" loss... Even though I had lost everything else, I consider myself a great mom to both my Kid and my furbabies...it was the one thing I still had that I could feel good about. Now I can't say that about me - at least when it comes to my Boxergirl.
Thanks for listening. I just had to get this out of my soul!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I'm so so sorry about this new grief especially wth a pet. I understand for different reasons .. it hits as if I or my kids are still collateral damage to my exes past behavior .. it feels even if it's not true .. from my perception it feels like my ex gets away yet again of dealing with the reality of pain that he just doesn't ever have to deal with whatever current drama/ trauma and it costs me financially emotionally and so on. I feel selfish typing that out. It doesn't seem fair in the landscape of when does this stop? Honestly with my kids I don't think it ever stops. My perception changes. I think I have just reached a space at least today that says I can stay angry at him or I can focus on what I can change and keep moving forward. I hope you can find relief for your fur baby. I did want to suggest .. there are vets who do services for pets and someone struggling financially. You might want to ask your vet .. they might offer a different solution. Big hugs .. this has to be incredibly hard. It is ok to be angry .. you are processing .. I always get frustrated when my anger at a very reasonable situation to me and anger is a healthy response to unreasonable situations just don't get stuck there .. it's healing and it's part of grief as well. Hugs again. S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you, Serenity. I actually feel better just getting this off my chest.
I have told my vet's office of my situation, but all they offer is the "Use your CareCredit card." But, I didn't think about looking up no cost surgery sites... I could also ask the humane society for a referral! Those are two things that I can actually do that may change this situation... so thank you!!!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
((PP)) i hear you and understand your sadness. I had a friend in a similar situation who established a "GO Fund Me" page on F.B. and did succeed in obtaining enough money to proceed with the cancer care.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers.
Lots of hugs PosiesandPuppies. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I love what Betty shared about the gofundme.
Our boxer went to doggie heaven the 6th of Dec. The ordeal was also one that caused so much anger and pain in and at myself. Anger at the A in my life because I too, lost a couple of weeks not seeing how her breathing had become a bit more labored and the epuli was getting worse.....but not as it had in the past yet. It turned out it was a mass at the back of her tongue and the surgery would have been brutal and no guarantee, in fact they said small chance she would survive. We brought her back home after they found the issue. The continual raising the steroid dosage finally stopped working and she just couldn't relax and breathe comfortably. I had to make a choice unlike any other I've made.......it is such a personal decision and we are the only ones who know our furr babies.....know how much pain they may or may not be in.....I feel your pain on a large level. Hugs and prayers for you and your girl.
(((PnP))) - I've said it before and I'll say it again - my fur-baby is often my spiritual adviser and certainly has saved me many times over....I am so sorry for your pain, sadness and anger. I too am sending positive thoughts/prayers your way. I don't know about animals/dogs especially but I do know that there are many home remedies online for adult oral issues - from infection to impacted teeth to .... Just a thought - google might be helpful?
I am glad that writing about it brought you some relief. Know that you're not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Betty, thank you for the idea. It may be the route I have to take.
Tude - A "Saved by a Boxer" buddy! I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your Boxer-baby. You had to make the toughest of decisions... but know that is one of the kindnesses of being the caregiver to a pet... we have the ability to end their suffering. We give everything for their care, and even give a piece of ourselves when we make those decisions... but they are always decided on with the utmost respect and love for our pet! Because of my background, I knew what I was getting into when I adopted my Boxer - they are very prone to any type of cancer - but the unconditional love, stable temperament, goofiness, and all around empathy of the breed far outweighs the bad! You did not say how old your Boxer-baby was, but I am hoping that you had many fun years with her. Thank you for the support, and I am sending you mine!
IAH - I agree wholeheartedly with what you wrote! I will also Google home remedies... it won't help the epuli, but it may ease her tooth infection! Thank you!
So after I read Serenity's post last night, I actually thought that I should quit feeling "sorry" for myself and look into the "free" veterinary services route. Sadly, many of the organizations in this area that provide this are either 1) Out of "business" from lack of donations or 2) Provide to homeless or veterans. However, I did find one that I may be able to use! Depends if they qualify me. So, I found my slogan: "First Things First!"
1. See if there are any home remedies to ease her discomfort
2. Call my vet on Monday to get her looked at (I will put this on CareCredit as the organization does not cover this)
3. Ask if my vet will work with the organization and then get the quote.
4. Send in my application - they usually reply in about 48 hours they said.
I must say, this feels a lot like my old "fixer" self... and I meditated on it before I got out of bed this morning... the key here for me, is that my beloved Boxer cannot do any of this for herself!
Feeling more at peace this morning... thank you MIP family! For not only being a "sounding board" for the processing I need to do, but for valid suggestions and your love and support!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PnP I feel with you as I sit at this puter and look out our front window at the bunch of pink flowers on our front lawn that reveal the burials of our two little girls Chloe and Saddie. The emotions are heavy and powerful on the hearts of my wife and I. Thank God for our program. Yes it had to be done and then our hearts fight that reasoning. It is not what we want when we get them and play with them. Our property is consumed by critters HP brings before us. ((()))
PnP .. I hope you had some success in putting some steps out there. You made me remember the issue for me .. helping or fixing .. helping is sitting on my hands and asking questions if I'm asked if I'm ok with doing something completely different. That's vs me meddling lol .. my kiddo at school .. I'm asking questions I did the whole care package .. that's it. This is all on him. It's not to say I haven't asked about therapy, study groups ave so on .. the difference is .. I'm not responsible for the success or the disaster and no one owes me anything. Fixing is doing the grunt work and expecting some kind of payoff for it emotionally. Undying gratitude .. Lol something that wasn't really about the other person. Like you have already stated .. your pooch can't pick up a phone and dial. I'm glad you feel better taking those steps. Many hugs .. and I hope you both got some rest!! Hugs s :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Keep us posted PnP - I got you and your fur-baby in my prayers!!! I'm a 'action-list' kind of gal to - I stay focused better when I got a plan. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((((((((((((PnP)))))))))))))))) I just stopped in to see how you and some others are and saw THIS....omg...so so sorry and its "OK" to feel hate for the one who ate up your money, etc., get it out...FEEL it...embrace your feelings, but what I do is set a "timer" on how long I am gonna take that stick adn beat that chair,visualizing his face and wailing the hell out of him, calling him everything but a man
and yes, there are humane societies who can maybe on volunteer basis help you with your doggie girl...and I like what Betty said about the "go fund me" page.....there are ways you can reach out....I can't add to the already great suggestions you got, just wanted to stop by and give you and Mrs. Boxer a big HUG
What you shared helped me in more ways than you can imagine. It helped me grieve and opened my eyes to yet more of my coda stuff to deal with. That is a good thing. Our Roxi was app 8-9? We adopted her from a kill shelter after losing my last Boxer to cancer. They thought she was app 2 years old. I am on the same page with you! They are just a breed that we love due to their personality, regardless of knowing full well what the issues are.
What you shared in your response to your plans are wonderful. Yes, they cannot choose for themselves and yes, we love them unconditionally. Please keep us updated. Prayers for you and your girl!
I wish I could find an article I wrote about Roxi........it's long gone and it was long.....but went something like:
I want my relationship with my HP/God to be the way Roxi sees me. She loves me unconditionally. She trusts me so much that when she's scared of the storms in life (thunder) she crawls up on my lap and sleeps. She rests on me and has peace. She RUNS to me and dances in excitement when I come home. She shouts for joy with her funny way of talking. When she's ill, she's not worried. She knows I will take care of her. She simply relies on me. She looks at me with those adoring eyes and has this tilt of a smile in her expression. She wakes up excited every morning like it's a brand new day. She has no thoughts of yesterday whether it was a good day or a bad one.
That's as close as I can get posting in a few moments without the original. It got lost in the PC crash a couple years ago.
Thank you, Jerry F and Mamalioness for your support!
Mama - I really liked what you said about having a "Timer" on your anger at another person/situation. I think that it helps from getting stuck in that feeling. This time, all of you acted as my "timer." But now I have another tool for my toolbox! Thank you!
Tude - What you wrote about Roxi was BEAUTIFUL! And it really feels like something I could say about my Boxer girl! It really speaks to the bond we can form with our dogs, and one of the best attributes of this breed...their capability of empathy. Sometimes my KID and I call our Boxer "Chewbaca" b/c of all the funny chortles and barks she can make! She brings a smile to my face every day... regardless of the kind of day I am having. Thank you for sharing your words!
Update:
I've found an organization - Now all I have to do is fill out their form with the vet's plan of action. Hopefully they will accept me.
We have a vet's appointment all set up - just need the quote to do the step above
I have begun to feel better with this... reading all of your posts, and also understanding that in this case my "fix this" attitude is good and appropriate!
The support here is just beautiful! Love you all!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Positive thoughts and prayers continue from my world to yours!!! (((Hugs))) too girl - keep us posted!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Posiesandpuppies))) I'm so sorry about your Boxer! I wish I had something to share that would help- sending prayers.
Re the other: I thank my HP often and plenty that feelings aren't facts. Keep doing the next right thing and I trust the anger will pass as you return to focus on yourself.
((((((((((((((PnP)))))))))))))))))) the sun HAS to shine and SOON for you as you have been such a brave spirit with all the S*&& thrown at you.......lots of folks may disagree with me about "its OK to hate someone, cuss them out, etc" AS LONG AS I dont' ACT on my sincere feelings...I feel ALL my feelings...I embrace them but I do do the timer thingy so I dont' get stuck....its OK to feel what ever you need to feel to not internalize the crap and get invoiced harder, later...when I was a child I had to stuff my anger and grief and outrage and it dang near killed me physically...I got asthma so bad from being "suffocated" by emotions trying to get out of my body all those years, they expressed themselves with asthma and it was BAD....18 months until I got on a fast of oranges and spring water and I meditated, chanted, wrote letters to my offenders and I CRIED, and cussed them out, man o man, I let the anger come out but I didn't "do wrong" in my anger...I took a stick and I beat the couch or a chair, visualizing them and I "let them have it" but I set a timer on it....every time the rage came up, I did the same thing with the (actually I used a tennis racquet) stick beating the hell out of them and crying and cussing, whatever I had to do...AND I would "make an appointment" with my wounded self, saying that "yea, we had to set a timer, but you WILL be heard" and i began to feel better.......My asthma cleared up, I went to my doctor and he listened to my lungs and said "WTH did you DO?? its GONE" and i told him the WHOLE story...and yea, he agreed with me that "stored pain/grief, etc" can do a job on the body as well as the head.....I still have some "gunk" to express, but nowhere near as bad...each "lancing" with the allowing me to feel makes it more managable...I don't fool myself in thinking that I can ever forgive or forget, but I CAN and DO focus on me and doing the next right thing by me....and the next right thing is to cast off the burdens of negative thoughts and keep casting them away because resentments only hurt me but to GET to that place, I gotta FEEL till I don't need to anymore----hope this made sense...
Anyway, I am glad I was able to help you....I feel all my emotions now and hence my body thanks me for it...I just don't ACT on serious anger, outrage, etc....
I am glad you got appt with a vet that can help you...i lost a beautiful pit bull to cancer, it was way too gone for me to save her...had to put her down...I cried for 2 weeks and I STILL mourn her death...This little puppy a friend gave to me is a sweet pet, but not the protector that my pittie was..I am hoping this pup will learn from my miz fat girl pit/lab mix whom I rescued at the shelter and is the BEST dog and friend I ever had.....she is eight now an I am , when weather gets warm, gonna start jogging her because she is over weight and I want to hang onto her as long as I can....My pets are my children...they are not "in and out" of my life like my kids are, they are ALWAYS loving me.....dunno what I would do w/out my doggies...right now I am in my bed and i have this BIG beach towel on the floor by my bed and both of them are crashed out on that towel...
Let us know how Mrs. Boxer does and keep us up on your news....I like your spirit...I like you.....sending you BIG hugs of support....
PnP
Your posts were amazing. I love the way you found the "courage to change the things you can" instead of getting stuck in anger and resentment you have taken a positive approach to fixing your own problem. In my case I always had it wrong I was a "fixer" for everyone else's problems except my own. I love that you draw on that strength and do the best you can to solve your own problems. HUGS!
Thanks, bud. Ya know, with the tools and the support here, the anger has passed. It really does feel better to be DOING something, but since I am a "get it done at all costs" kind of person, and I am self-aware of this part of me, I was a little scared to take action... and mad at the fear. But all of you (and my sponsor) allowed me to understand that this is one of those times that I can use my "Can Do" attitude in a positive way. Thanks for your support!
Mama - Each time you show little snippets of the horror you had to endure as a youth, it just makes me cringe inside! I just can't imagine, and I send up a prayer to the universe for you! But each time, you also show how strong you are - not just then, but now too! I like your posts b/c you DO feel your feelings. I am a 'feeling suppressor,' so hearing of your ESH helps me to see another path. I don't have to do what I have always done in my life! Amazing! LOL! Give your fur-babies a hug from this animal lover!
KT - Honestly, I find the strength here. I like my F2F meetings, but there is something about this site that allows for more candor (from everyone, I think). I am very much like you... I was a "fixer" too. But I always put EVERYONE ahead of myself... until there wasn't a "myself." I am working on that daily. Sending you positive vibes over the interwebs!
Felt really rotten the last two days... maybe trying to throw off this flu literally everyone around me is getting and/or had? Not sure. It may have been fall out from my rough crying jag. Sometimes that happens as well. Anyway, feeling more positive, and physically better, so looking forward to today! Make it a great Tuesday everyone!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
My heart goes out to you. My dogs are so important to me too.
I'm glad you're taking a proactive approach to finding alternate solutions for your pup.
I can liken your resentment to my own feelings when my A was actively using. I'd see one of my kids acting/reacting badly to something and think "this is all my husband's fault". If he weren't a drunk, my kids wouldn't be having these issues. In my case, looking back, I'd do something (anything) spontaneously to "fix it". We all know how that turns out lol.
In time I have been able to stop and think about the situation before letting myself in on the "blame game". Thank HP ! When I would go down that route, I'd start a downward spiral that was tough to recover from.
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
The ex A saddled me with h8s dogs. He claimed to score them but left them alone for three days when he went off and binged Then he cried when I wouldn't let him see them
Getting reduced care for your animals is very difficult. There are lots of rescue groups out there. They have help with the vet bills. One year when I had very very little I spent over two thousand dollars on her bills
The Animal Control shelter often have low cost fees for poor people. In my area they have a drop in clinic once a month
The humane society will often offer some lower fee services
If you can't arrange the surgery there may be a way you can get some pain management help.
Believe me I know how hard it is to get low fee services. I travel over 50 miles to get l8w fee dental work. I am not pulling suggestions out of the air.
Your best resource might be to get really acquainted with a pedigree rescue service for boxers. That is to learn of a vet who may give you a d8scount. They are not going to give it to you out of the blue. You would need a referral.
I did the right thing by taking the ex A's dogs. I really paid for it. I am more and more aware of nothing else exists for an addict but their dope.
The ex A may have taken a lot from you but you still have your resourcefulness and your incredible resolve
I have finally become pretty self protective after feeling helpless for decades.
It can take a long time to get back on your feet after a marriage break up lil e you have had. You deserve to be kind to yourself through this difficult time. I am certain you will find ways to resolve this issue because you found a way out of impossible situations before
Update:
I took my Boxer (don't really want to say her name) to her vet today. They have worked with Actors and Others for Animals before, and are willing to do so this time too. And it is "dental" month, so they are giving a 15% discount.
I have filled out the online form, submitted it, got the "received your application" email, and am now awaiting their answer. Want to know what the quote is? $845 - 1236.00!!!
I did look for the low-cost mobile vet (through the Humane Society's website) but they won't be anywhere close to my area until March.
Once I submitted the application, I vowed to give it up to my HP. I won't start worrying until late Monday. Keep your fingers crossed, gang!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way PnP...hang in there!
Welcome to MIP Laura2018 - glad your found us and joined right in.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I stood on my head to apply to have my current dog neutered all the action is worth it I obsessed over the luttlke details how would I carry him if he was out of it
The footwork does really take you there. I have some more vacciatio b's to do now Thankfully I am not as strapped as I was so it not this insurmountable hurdle
All pets get very expensive at a certain time That is a reminder to me to be ready for my boy Time flies around. An animal.
The two dogs I rescued fro m the ex A have been dead a while I never regretted taking them. It was highly difficult for me I had barely any funds Then the wx A effectively stole thousands of dollars from me. He had planned that all along. I know he wanted to pass off the animals too. He didn't want the responsibility. They got in the way.
I survived the ex A My.finances are very different today and I am fiercely independent Time helps heal the betrayal and abandonment you are feeling
The ex A put on a great act. I firmly believe he ak ways wanted to shirk off all his responsibilities on others. The. Claim he was on so sensitive about it.
My boundaries are pretty tight these days I review them daily. I am not tolerant anymore There is another side to these hard times she. They are a mere memory rather than an aching Hein your life
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
)))