Hello,

I am new to this forum and to Alanon.  Today will be my first face-to-face meeting.

I have been around the local AA Community for the past 3 years due to my relationship with my AH.  My AH and I are newly married (this past April) and he told me up front on our first date that he was a very proud member of AA.  My AH has been recovering now for 17 years and I am SO PROUD to learn all about his journey and this disease.  It just amazes me every time I hear his story and when I speak to his family members to see how much he has changed and learned to live a life of peace and serenity.  He is truly an AMAZING man and just as AA says, he is always there to lend a helping hand no matter what the issue is, AA related or not.  Extremely kind, considerate, and caring.  One of the many reasons I fell in love with him.  Its actually hard to reconcile the man that I know with the man that people tell me he was during his drinking career.  But after everything that Ive learned about this disease, and about my AHs past, Ive no doubt this man has had the courage to change in a BIG way.

My issue today is that this amazing man has a AD.  She has now been out of recovery and just celebrated 10 months of sobriety.  However, she has stopped working her program at 6 months, and never got rid of her stickin thinkin ways, as my AH says.  Nor has she gotten rid of her anger or vindictiveness.  Especially against me for no other reason than Im her fathers wife.  (I should also mention that her mother passed away from this disease in July 2017, whom was the ADs drinking partner. When AD went into recovery, AM drank herself to her demise).

My AH is under EXTREME stress from this situation.  It truly amazes me to watch him under this pressure.  He is resolute to attend meetings and to stay in contact with his own program and sponsor, which is such a relief and inspiration for me to watch.  And, even though he has his own sponsees, where his daughter is concerned, he turns a blind eye.  Her behavior and disrespect level, even with him, is off the charts.  And my AH keeps making excuses for her.  He says nothing to her when she disrespects me, does downright vindicative things towards me that put my own health in question.  Ive drawn my boundary and when I told him that I would no longer accept this behavior, he told me he had no choice because he has an investment 3000 miles away that hes trying to protect, and that I shouldnt be so selfish.  Really??  Am I being selfish??

In total, this situation with his AD has been going on for 2 years straight in our relationship.  I have been at his side and her side this entire time.  She has slayed me with raw comments both in my AHs presence and behind his back.  She has boasted about her vindictive activites towards me to family members with the explanation that she does it because it drives her nuts and laughs about it.  My AH has now been informed by these other family members and he still turns a blind eye, reminding me that stinkin thinkin and bad attitudes take time to change in sobriety, that its not an overnight thing.

I feel raw at this point.  I feel betrayed by my AH.  AM I justified in feeling this way?  Or, am I really being over-sensitive about this situation, which Ive also been accused of being?  

My AH asks for my opinion about things regarding his AD, and I gave it.  Now those opinions are being thrown back at me in a negative manner by my AH, and I am really hurting.  There is more to this story - a LOT more - and I dont doubt that my AH is raw with hurt too by both his AD and the rest of the family who has now vehemently turned on him simply for saving his AD.  I was personally witness to an extraordinary hate-filled conversation between my AH and his son last Friday night that have left us all raw with emotion, and personally, Im still shaking on the inside.  AH thought I was going to have a heart-attack that night I was so taken aback by the things said by the son.  My family is screaming at me to RUN because this situation is crazy vindictive with AHs kids and no one wants to see me get caught up in the middle.  The family, in general, cant understand why my AH doesnt walk away from it all, and he still goes back for more abuse.  I know I cant control him, and I cant be responsible for his feelings or comments.  My heart does break for him simply because I am a caring person and I love him dearly.

He calls me Ms. Sunshine because of my bubbly personality.  (Something his daughter detests about me.  Says Im not normal).  Hes now upset that my sunshine is gone for the past few weeks.  He just got upset with me last night and suggested I needed an attitude change and I had best get happy, that he was doing his best to make me happy and to take care of his AD.

I feel absolutely shaken, spun in all directions, dont know which way is up at this point.  Am I to blame?  How do I even begin to help?  He keeps asking me for my opinion and yelled at me last night to tell him what to do, but I dont dare say anything more.  My words will be perceived in the wrong way, churned up, and spit back at me.  Im really shocked at 9 months into my marriage that I might be faced with a divorce if I dont get happy very quickly.  I feel like such a failure.

Where do I even begin?  All I could think was to post here, and to somehow find my way to a face-to-face meeting today, which Im scared to ask him for the car to go.  I hate confrontation and never in my wildest imagination did I think I would ever be back in a space of dealing with heated and violent confrontations like this.  (I was in a 29 year abusive marriage that ended several years before I met my AH.  We NEVER had this kind of issue in the early stages of our relationship until his kids became involved).

I am simply confused, sad, and frustrated at this point.  I want to take back my life and to understand what I have done wrong to let this disease affect me this way.  What am I missing?

Thank you.