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Today marks 3 weeks of sobriety for my AH. Things seem to be improving between us - weāve shared a few laughs and things seems more fluid and natural between us. And weāve had a positive conversation about our finances and have a tentative plan for going forward now that he purchased the classic car for our daughter. We should be fine and we have made some decisions on how to pay off some debt, which will make me much less anxious. We havenāt worked out the minor details of that, but for once, I feel like he really understands where weāre at and that weāre finally on the same page. I feel like finally, his guard is down and instead of immediately reacting with anger and resentment heās actually hearing me where finances are concerned. Weāve only touched on his decision to stop drinking though - no real conversation about it. Thereās definitely still some emotional distance between us, and although I think weāre both making baby steps on that front, Iām concerned about it. It still seems as though heās doing this for me and for our kids, not for him, and as happy as I am for the peace that seems to be bringing to our home, Iām worried it wonāt last or that because heās not actively working a program, heāll still have the alcoholic mindset - just that of a dry one. Iām fearful of resentment growing in his heart. Iām not seeing that right now - he seems to have his head on straight and seems to be coping well emotionally - but Iām afraid itās there, lurking under the surface. Iāve known 2 alcoholics that stopped drinking on their own - just gave it up one day and never looked back - and both went on to live full, happy lives without additional intervention or working a program, so I know it can be done. But can I trust that my AH might be one of those? 3 weeks is a short time, but I have to give him credit and say with all honesty that Iāve never known him to fail at something that he has his mind set on. Itās one of the qualities that drew me to him. Heās determined and tenacious and driven. With any obstacle in his life, he will undoubtedly find a way over it, around it, under it, or through it to reach his end goal. My concern is that heās doing it with āusā - our family - as the goal and not his health and recovery as the goal. Maybe thatās ok for now, but at some point, doesnāt he need to focus on doing this for him? Or can that come naturally as a byproduct of focusing on āusā as the goal? And if it doesnāt, if the goal remains āusā, then WILL resentment grow? Will that put an emotional wedge between us that ultimately tears us apart despite his sobriety? It would help if I felt like I could talk to him about it. Heās not drinking, but he hasnāt said heās giving it up for good. So while weāre now at 3 weeks, I have no idea if I can have any faith in his determination to make it any longer. He hasnāt talked about his goal and Iām just assuming itās for āusā because my laying down boundaries to him is what prompted him to stop. I guess Iām afraid that Iāll start having faith in this new normal, begin to heal, and feel as though weāre doing well, and then one day - 6 months from now or a year from now - heāll come to me, say heās not happy, and he wants out. And it wonāt be about āusā - it will be because he never did any of it for himself. While I know that the future is never certain, knowing where his head and heart are at would go a long way toward easing my own anxiety.
Twinkies - I suspect that all of your written fears, anxieties, unknowns and more have been thought and asked by the majority of us at some point...the easiest answer is there is no easy answer. The best suggestions I ever got were to get to as many meetings as possible and focus on me. So long as my waking thoughts were on others, I was blocking myself from my own needs, wants and spiritual path and while I continued to worry and project for a while, each meeting, reading, discussion, etc. was a helpful, needed reminder that I matter too.
We (both sides) each have our own bottom. We each have our own motives and expectations. We each have just this one day to do 'life' and hope for the best. Remaining hopeful through recovery and having no expectations regarding tomorrow really helped me calm my thinking. Take good care of you, lean into the program and as we say, "more will be revealed".
Sending you hope, positive thoughts and prayers!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
He's going to do what he's going to do. What are you going to do? Seeking additional support from Alanon is a must because my own worst enemy is between my ears and it gets me into the future and keeps me in the past without being grateful for the present. There are no crystal balls in any of this and the own I own is cracked so it depends on the situation where I hit and where I miss.
Keep coming back and continue to work your own program regardless of what your AH is or is not doing.
You are right some people can walk away and never look back. One of my best friends got into crack cocaine I want to say in the late 80's early 90's .. she had the ability to walk away and never look back. However that's not the norm in those situations. I have known her for most of my life, I want to say it's been about 40 years now maybe a little longer.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Alanon helped with what ifs. Projecting into the future is useless but its a difficult one for us to give up. There was an excellent reading about it the other day. It said we tend to think if we worry enough we will be prepared for problems but actually all it does is exhaust us and robs us of today. This moment right now. I suggest taking the focus off him. Your happiness and serenity is not dependent on his sobriety this is a myth I firmly believed for many yrs before alanon. Now my own life is firmly my responsibility and it's such a relief. Others can be whatever they are compelled to be. I suggest daily gratitude list. This helps me stay in the now and trains my mind away from worry fear projecting etc.
Twinkies - I have had and continue to have the thoughts and anxieties you have shared in your post. Attending the meetings - both F2F and phone bridge - have helped me immensely. I also struggle with projecting....but I want to be prepared for the future whatever it may be. (I've always been a planner and goal oriented; tasks lists are my friends!) I'm learning that just by practicing the program and learning the tools I will be prepared for whatever may come my way and that I should just focus on today and on my recovery.
Thank you everyone else for your replies; I also gained quite a bit from reading them!
(((Twinkies)))) So glad to hear that there is some peace in your home! 3 weeks seems like a long time, but in an addicts world (which is ours by default) it is still early-stage recovery. I too, knew of someone (spouse's side of family) who almost died from alcohol, yet after that scare, gave it up forever without any program! So it can be done. My qualifier, however, could not do that. So I completely understand the fears of relapse.
So here is my ESH - take what you want, and leave the rest, as they say. From your posts, it sounds like you are financially stable, but you do worry about money. So allow yourself to plan/control YOUR finances. Create a "Plan B" so that you know that you & the kids will be just fine should he relapse. Then work your Al-Anon program HARD. Because you will find yourself in the "What If's" frequently. It is just the reality of living with someone in recovery. But that will just undermine your relationship... from YOUR side. But it doesn't have to be that way. By concentrating on you and your behaviors/reactions, you will find it is easier to live life Just for Today. Stay in the present. Your "Plan B" will be in place and that assurance will allow you some peace of mind.
Because I truly love my spouse (but hate addiction), I feel that if I was able to make myself completely financially independent the first time he went to rehab, AND continued with Al-Anon, I may have not decided to end the marriage this time. I would've known my self-worth (b/c Al-Anon helped me to keep a firm grasp on it) and I would've had the emotional and financial strength to say, "Go live someplace else until you find sobriety." And then continue MY life.
Sadly, his first addiction ruined our finances (completely), and I was blind and misinformed to the true effects of addiction... so I thought "everything was good, back to normal" and I believed my spouse when he would say that as well. I was a fool... for him and for me. I "allowed" the disease to live in, and control my life for so long (the second round) because I was financially fearful - it's a real thing. I am older and wiser now... I won't be fooled again!
One of the best things I have ever read on here regarding being a spouse to an addict/alcoholic was: "Actions speak louder than words. You will know your qualifier is good with their program because of that. Nothing they say will ever be as "telling" as their actions."
Wishing you Peace within your mind, today!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
That must be a huge relief. I can say with my own recovery from ACA issues I doubt for a long time it was for me. I relied on th e opinion of others for years .
I had some really strange reasons foir recovery and very out of the line expectations. Nevertheless I did keep on recovering. Whatever recovery I go r for the wrong reasons led me to getting it for the right reasons. I don't think there is a time table foir recovery. I know I have been working on aspects of recovery for a very long time.
I think it is one way to feel in control to feel like we know what is best for others. I certainly have an idea in some people's situations what might help. As I recover more I suggest less. I also monitor less. My whole self worth used to be all tied up in what my friends or certainly how my relationship is.
There are people who do not want to change or want to see th e wporld as against them. I no longer think it's my life's work to fix them. That is because it caused me so much pain to be so f8xated on others . Being responsible for myself is hard enough I was irresponsible to myself a d responsible for others. The level of self neglect I had was pretty steep. I am dealing with the aftermath. I probably will be for a lifetime.
(((Twinkies))) The crazy committee in my head can go from 0-100 in a matter of minutes if I take my eyes off the program. I am newly back here and this happened the other day. I was amazed how fast it can change from serenity and focus on self and recovery to...........the crazies. Checking on meetings made etc. This is a wonderful group home! Instead of staying in the crazies.......they pointed this out to me and it took only a few moments of applying the principles, prayer and calming to see what had happened. Hugs and prayers.
Thanks for helping me to see that my focus was shifting. You are all so very right - I canāt predict the future and I canāt plan my life around it. I just have to stay in the present moment and handle whatever might come as it comes.
Speaking of which - a moment came today. AH called to chat on his way home. He began by telling me all of the little annoyances of the day and about how hectic it had been. Then it came...āIād really like a beer.ā And he waited. And waited. On me to respond I assume. But I said nothing. Then he continued on with ābut thatās going to piss you off, so I guess I canāt do that, even though I think Iāve proved myself for the last 3 weeksā. Blah, blah, blah. I let him go on for a bit, then I told him that heās a grown person and Iām not going to tell him that he canāt drink. He knows what my feelings about it are and where Iām at with it all and Iām done repeating that to him. To drink or not has to be his decision. I was short and to the point, but I wasnāt unkind. Just matter of fact. Then the conversation shifted and we moved on to other things. He was home an hour later and didnāt have beer with him. So, for today at least, it appears heās still choosing not to drink - even though he obviously wants to.
Hi Twinkies, thank you for sharing about what happened today. You did great.
This reminded me of one of my favorite things that happened in my journey with alcoholism ... although it sure wasn't my favorite at the time.
It was Thanksgiving, we had many relatives gathering in the house, my AH was just out of the hospital, and he said, "I know this is going to piss you off, but I'm going to have two glasses of wine." I thought my head was going to explode, but my Al-Anon kicked in, I said the three C's, and went out to take the dog for a walk. (Dog didn't need a walk, but I sure did.)
He had the wine, and it made him sick. He ended up staying in bed, too sick to eat Thanksgiving dinner.
The next day, my adult daughter told me she was planning to give her Dad some feedback about what had happened. I thought she planned to talk to him about his drinking, and I advised her to say whatever she needed to say but not to have any expectations.
Later, I asked her how it had gone. She told me that what she had said was, "I told him I didn't like it when he knew something is going to piss Mom off but he did it anyway." I thought that was brilliant -- nothing about drinking, just about behavior towards me. And it did sink in .... he remembered that his drinking had bothered me on that day, and eventually months later made amends.
This always reminds me how miracles can happen just when it seems darkest.
Twinkies - you done good....all that you say is spot on. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. One day at a time is how we roll....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
