The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, my AH and I are separated he lives with his parents. We have 2 dogs and he comes to visit them and walk them frequently, I have been very reasonable in allowing him to do this considering how badly he has treated myself and the kids. However on every visit I never know what mood he is going to be in, we had a few days of pleasantries and then tonight it's back to being usual nasty self, apparently I am the winner in this situation, yes this situation that I did not cause or ask for! I may be living in the family home with kids, dogs and cats but I don't consider myself a winner!!! I have been to hell and back because of this man and I am slowly rebuilding my life, how the hell can I be the winner in this... what is wrong with him. Some days I find it hard to accept alcoholism as a disease maybe it's just an excuse for him being an a**hole.
This can't be broken down into winner's and loser's .. the winning I do is based upon my own recovery. The losing is I spent way to much time waiting to see what my XAH would bring in and knowing it was going to be the same. That's my perception of winning/losing.
Whatever my X is or isn't doing that's just no longer my issue. He's got to figure it out. I am in a situation of eyeball rolling and head shaking LAUGHING over his idea of control .. he believes he's going to control the court paperwork and I'm telling you he is not because I don't control the court paperwork. I have discovered arguing with a fence post will only get me irritable and splinters. It's just no longer my issue. I already know the outcome I called the outcome out weeks ago actually months and now all I can do is wait and see what's next probably court so it is what it is and I just can't be bothered with it at this point.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
There certainly are no winners....I know I find the most peace when I can redirect my inventory-taking of others back to self. It took me a long time in recovery to realize that the moods of others are not about me and I have a choice to personalize them or not. When mine are grumpy, I tend to put in my ear-buds and vacuum the floor (weather bad) or take a walk with the dog. I don't have to attend every event I am invited to - and yes - grateful for this program and a HP.
Hang in there Allywoo - it's really not about you even when it feels it is!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((Alllywoo)))) actually the winners are determined after getting into and working the program. Certainly I didn't feel like a winner; most likely a Weiner and or Whiner when I first arrived and then finding the working definition of "This program works if you work it" my life changed to what I could only describe like as a winner's life. I didn't just react to things going on around me even if they included or didn't include my alcoholic/addict. I learned to choose if and how I wanted to go thru my life and also the consequences for those choices. I learned what true freedom to be me was and because I also learned I would never get it perfect I learned too to give myself mercy and grace and make changes as necessary without thinking and treating myself as "less than" if I didn't get it right earlier on. I don't need a looser to feel like a winner. It doesn't matter how others are making their choices and have their outcomes. ((((hugs))))
I like what SerenityRUS said, I feel like I have "won" in the sense that I have learned about this program which I wouldn't have otherwise and might have spent years in therapy spending my money just to understand why I am the way I am (I am an adult child of alcoholics). I am so grateful to have this framework to cope with what life throws up.
But yeah - no one wins. I am in the middle of what feels like chaos at the moment. My husband is in rehab, I am packing up our rented apartment trying to find storage for all our things. I had to take one of our dogs to an adoption center - thankfully she was adopted shortly after. I have had to face so much criticism from random people including my therapist who feel that I am running away. I have to face my own criticism about running away. Sometimes I think HE is the winner because he gets to go to rehab and sober living for 8 months and go to meetings everyday and not have to take care of our baby. Then I remember what he has had to go through to get to this point, how degrading it has been for him, and how I am grateful to be able to see our son every day and watch him learn new words and do his thing.
