The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have wanted to divorce my husband ever since I realized he is an a. I simply don't deserve the treatment I face due to his alcoholism. To that end, I have been working to separate our lives. We own a store together and I put it on the market and prayed really hard and tomorrow it will transfer ownership.
I've been struggling with how to ask him for a divorce. However, he has told me he would like to divorce me. This is probably a good thing because it means he wants it too, he won't fight me too had to obtain it, and I didn't have to do the asking.
However, it sets off all types of emotions in me. Primarily I am fearful, which is not surprising given my history. I am also grieving the end of yet another dream. It seems I've been doing nothing but watching dreams die for the last 6 years.
My sponsor recently said to me that sometimes our HP does for us, what we can not do for ourselves. Have you heard the saying, "rejection is god's protection?" Your post reminded me of that. Fear can blind us to the good we have in our lives...I know it's hard for me to find serenity when I'm in the fear, but it always passes if I allow myself to feel, grieve, deal with those feelings by reaching out to others, and take good care of myself in whatever way I can. Now is a good time to surround yourself with friends and those who you feel can give you the love and support you need and deserve.
You said you are greiving the end of another dream.....I too grieved the marriage I wanted with my AH. My dream marriage was not really the one I had. I took me a year to realize that. So I was grieveing what I wanted it to be. After that I just stopped. You at least are now aware.
In Alanon as an acoa I learned that I was doomed to repeat the same errors unless I changed myself, not my a family. And, I did just that: I repeated the same mistakes over and over again, rejection protected me for a while but didn't make me happy. I went from lover to lover, relationship to relationship. 40 years! and in an international community. Lol, someday I'll write my memoirs! The point is, and this is not an argument to stay(some "as" are very destructive, physically they become dangerous), but work on yourself, whether stay or go. For instance: Why did you choose an a in the first place?
But just one thought: Is rejection the easy or hard way out? Are there some alternatives to divorce?
Ditto, there is never an instance when the thought of divorce doesn't bring feelings of pain and disappointment; often many more emotions that seem impossible to overcome. But you WILL overcome. If you have positively made up your mind about this, hold your head high, tell him, mean what you say, and get on with it. You can do this Ditto. And it is probably for your greater good. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I have been through this before and it is never pleasant and extremely upsetting. However, life goes on regardless. Maybe you can look at this as the beginning of a new wonderful dream instead of the end of the old dream. Whatever final decision you make, I hope it is the best one for you!
Both fear and grief are emotions, they are yours, and they are normal. Allow yourself to feel.
With the end of anything, especially a marriage, it is normal to grieve. Even if you wanted the ending, you will grieve for what was, or could have been. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. treat yourself as gently as you would anyone else going through this.
We are all afraid of the unknown. Keep working your program, and keep coming here. Hopefully soon your feel will turn to excitement over a new beginning.
Ditto, making the decision to separate was for me the most painful decision of my life. It turned out in my case to be the best one. We separated in Aug 99 and I had a mental boundary that if nothing changed for the better within two years I would divorce. In Oct 2000 a situation occured in my A's life that had repercussions in mine that I was unwilling to accept. It 'forced my hand' and I initiated divorce in Jan 2001. Even though it was 'technically' my choice I still had a lot of emotion around this, which i think is quite understandable; fear, resentment, anger, sadness, regret. I ended up 'acting out' myself and it was the most miserable time of my life. I do not regret it though as I learnt things I would never have learned otherwise and my HP was walking with me every step of the way.
I did seek counselling to help me cope with my emotions as the intensity of them was overwhelming. It was important for me to grieve my losses. I thought I had processed these issues so was shocked to find myself feeling desperately sad just a few days ago. Especially as in our case, my A found recovery and we are now reconciled. Today life is good though not without problems. I believe I had processed these issues as well as I could at the time but now that I am stronger my HP is giving me the opportunity to revisit these feelings so I can gain deeper understanding, acceptance and forgiveness.
What I'm trying to show is that yes, it is scary and painful but you can get through it with the help of your HP. Try to get a support network around you. Be gentle with yourself. Recovery is an unfolding process and God never gives us more than we can handle, though it may feel like it at times. I think inevitably it will be emotionally hard on you but as already said when one door closes another one opens. Try to focus on the positives and remember the reasons you wanted this. I feel for you and wish you strength.
Like our fellow al anons who have responded -- I can understand the emotions you are sharing. I was the one who filed for divorce, but there was a lot of grieving for the loss of relationship, before and after the filing, and to some extent even on and after the day of the Judge's final order. Grieving is a process - I think that the fact that you are aware of the feelings you've outlined in your post is a wonderful sign. For me, I had to go through all the steps of grieving, (and sometimes I went through some steps more than once!) but I've worked it through so I can move on. Somewhere I ran across this great line that went something like, once one realizes they can't hold on to something that is not there then acceptance and moving on becomes easier. Take good care. Keep coming back.
I am sorry that you are having a hard time with your emotions. We are free to mourn the end of our marriage no matter who suggests it or the reasons for it. It is the death of a dream. The wonderful thing about life is that we are free to dream other dreams and reach for the stars. We have to be careful that our current baggage (undealt with emotions, situations, patterns of behavior) won't stop us or interfere with our future dreams.
Be strong. Allow your feelings to come. We are here for you and care about you!
