The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just want to share and leave this here that I have a lot of fear surrounding the coming transition.
I have to speak to our land lord today. I am ready to pay the lease as long as it takes to find a new tennant and I want to uphold my contractual obligations but I am fearful about him being angry at me and I still believe that that makes me a bad person. I feel like a bad, dysfunctional person who cannot have their life together and cannot be trusted.
I am trying to remember JADE. I so quickly go to justifications and explanations when I feel in this place... it's like I have to defend my very existence and status as a person.
It is hard for me being around my mum because she never says kind things to me or encourages me or gives me any impression at all that I am doing anything that is interesting or pleasing to her. She doesn't think something anything is good enough. She has been spending time with her adorable grandson for two weeks now and hasn't said anything positive about him at all. Not even "he's cute" or "he's so clever" or whatever. It's all negative things, like how mischevious he is, or how stubborn he is. I am learning to let go of this - this is just how she is. I say the serenity prayer all the time. I still haven't given up on the idea that I might need to say something, but I am still to angry right now to "say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean." I need a little more time.
Both these things together, the instability in my life and her around have played into my own fears about being an inadequate and bad person who has failed at life.
The other day my mum said to me that "she feels like her whole marriage to your [my] father was a waste of time, and I thought that the only good thing that came out of it was you, but now that you are having an unhappy life, even that isn't worth it."
It was kinda like she was saying that it would be better I wasn't born - because I am having a hard time now with my husband and might go through a divorce?
I was so angry. How can she say something like that? Does she not see any positive in my life at all? It's all just a big failure because this one aspect of my life is in a lot of trouble now? Can't she see how I am growing through this experience?
I keep coming back to the realisation that I keep looking to other people (like her) who are inherently not emotionally available to give me love and support and the only person who can love and support me now is my loving Higher Power.
Except I feel so distant from that kind of spiritual consciousness. I try to let myself know that that's okay too.
At the end of the day, I don't feel so unhappy. I wouldn't characterise my life that way.
I feel a lot of relief that things have finally gotten to the point where they have to be addressed and it's out in the open. I am sad that I have inherited some difficult relationship patterns and disappointed I have to deal with them now, when I want to be "building my life" or something. But I also feel excited about the amazing promises of Al Anon and I am told by people with more time that I am going to have tools and I am going to learn how to never go back to where I was and that is so exciting for me and I feel good about this time to be with myself and process my own world and focus on myself and build a relationship with a Higher Power who loves me and get my life on an even footing.
I am just seeing how my parents negativity has effected my entire life. I became like them.......I'm so grateful for this program! I love what you shared!
Hello Annie I can so identify I leaned, in alanon to not sit and become angry because others were insensitive but that I had a voice and instead of arguing with them or challenging them i could validate myself or anyone they had invalidated by simply stating my truth.
For example when she spoke about your child, I could have said:" I find him extremely smart, intelligent and with an inquiring mind He is a delight." with your own life I would have said my life is not perfect as no one has a perfect life however I have many wonderful gifts and am so sorry that you see things so differently
We are powerless over others however i did need to learn to see my life and self clearly and when i did, I could say what I mean and mean what i say without being mean. This set me free of anger and resentments at others and I was set free
(((Annie))) - I too am so sorry for the affects of your Mother's words. It took me a ton of my life to realize that my mom is from a different era and because she's got her own baggage, what she's feeling often comes forward in her words. I have spent a ton of my time in Al-Anon working on getting my own sanity restored which has resulted in feeling more 'whole' and a return of my power. I have a great sponsor who helps me take my complicated thinking process and reduce many things to what they truly are - words or actions or ______.
When my self-esteem was very low, I was overly sensitive and reactive/defensive. It took practice in recovery to realize that even my parents are imperfect people in this imperfect world. I have placed them in a position of equality to me and shattered the pedestal they were on for most of my life. As with my children, I had to learn to advocate for me with grace. As Betty points out, I am better at speaking my truth. When I feel offended, manipulated, or dismissed, I can now find the words to speak my truth without throwing shade. It's not my natural 'reaction' but it's a planned response I can find with help from HP, sponsor and the PAUSE in my signature.
The steps helped me greatly to see that the past is the past and using that as a marker for today's actions/words was very damaging to me - unhealthy. This doesn't mean I am not more guarded around toxic people - it just means I know that's a risk if I choose to spend time with them. I take my entire toolbox to any/all family events or discussions as well as my HP as family - more than anyone - knows how to push buttons....after all, they did the installation.
Leaning into this program to remind myself how powerless I am helps me greatly. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I shared this once before or maybe even twice, I for get and I'll repeat. My mother was really hard and stringent; a punisher in voice and language from my early memories. I guess one of the consequences could have been that we would fear and hate her and for me I just arrived at the picture that she was emotionally messed up. I came to learn that her sisters were also and that the point of origin was their relationship with my grandfather, I believe an alcoholic. He was very negative and distant and so I left that as the reason my mother was so upset a lot of the time. I left it at that for years and as I grew into adult hood on one occasion in her elder age and after she had fallen and broken her him I went to visit her and again walked into an explosive war she was having with my step father even while she laid up in bed and he took refuge in the kitchen. I had enough and started to leave and as I reached the front door to go out I remembered to ask for support and direction as I had learned to do in Al-Anon. I stopped and spoke to my HP saying, "if there is anything I can do here let me know now or I am gone". My Higher Power responded, "Well you are a counselor aren't you"?
Yes at that time in my life I was a family therapist but had never considered having my family as clients and I got the message. I recalled my protocol and went into the kitchen and asked my step father to participate and not speak during the session. He agreed and I went into the bedroom and asked the same of my mother and she agreed also so I did a half hour session at her bedside. They just listened and when I was done I left. I turned it over to HP and the next night went to the hospital during visiting hours. She was to be in surgery the next day and when the time came to leave I started to do that. I got part way down the floor hall way and my step Dad came out of my mom's room and called me back...so I went.
My mother could not speak because of her parkinsons disability so my step dad told me..."After you left last evening Mom and I talked about what you said and what we had heard and we agreed that everything you spoke of and told us was absolutely true and we want to tell you how grateful we are that you stayed and talked with us". Basically I told them that each time they argued and yelled at each other they were showing their love for each other because no one would allow and stand for such behavior and then remain with each other without love and in their case a strong love.
I use to do in part family therapy and they taught me a lot along side my Al-Anon program. ((((Mahalo))))
Wow thanks everyone. I actually managed to have a pretty honest conversation with her today and I expressed to her some of how I was feeling. Thank you to everyone who shared their ESH, it has meant so much to me to have this group here able to support me through this hard time.
(HUGS)
Good for you Annie to say what you mean and mean what you say and have it be productive! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
