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Very long 72 hours, there have been lots of arguments, crying, and tantrums (oddly enough not from me!!). I sure did pull from my tool box and really tried to focus on the fact we didn't know anything until Thursday. At the moment my kid has lost adult status. I do not believe that just because someone is 18 they automatically qualify as an adult and this has been proven to me this past week after the last month of stuff.
My oldest at the moment has a GPA of 0.0 .. ohhhh the fun of it all and then decides to dictate to me what he is going to do and not do. After loosing his phone for a few days to get right with himself which was needed for us both. I did violate his privacy .. my phone I pay the bill so guess what I'm going to go through and see what is going on. My kid did not get 0.0 because of drugs, or alcohol or to much socialization. At this point it seems that the current relationship he is in is what I classify as a toxic relationship. It is all consuming, and this is what has taken time and focus big time from schooling. The boyfriend is passing and not on academic probation or alert. I did explain that for now since he's living at home and we are paying for his phone, I have a right to ask to see it. I have NEVER done this and of course I felt awful .. you it did explain a lot and now I have a better understanding of what I am dealing with .. a grown teenager at the moment. He was at first upset and then realized that I was within my rights, I do not advocate this however a 0.0 GPA, there needs to be a reboot on railing. All I can do is provide the tools .. the rest is not up to me.
So there is a plan it was painful to get there and as I mentioned this has been like dealing with an active addict. Every single day, and come to find out that he has not stopped contact during that time which was disappointing.
The one thing I really incorporated into my speech were 3 lines. Ok. I hear you. I understand. I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you. Ok .. more than 3 .. LOL .. however I spent Wednesday evening making those statements the entire night. My boyfriend, God love him .. LOL .. and my youngest both were waiting for the nuclear explosion to kick off and I didn't .. the reality was we did not know what was going to happen. Earlier in the day I had invited my oldest to a PFLAG meeting, which I'm glad the timing worked out the way it did and I had offered earlier. Because of his bad anxiety when he hits off he doesn't want to be touched so while someone is sobbing out of control it's hard to approach and hug, that act can be rejected and it's not personal. I'm seriously ok with that because I do understand. So while screaming about life not being fair .. lol .. thankfully I was in such shock over the outburst that I did not laugh (it's an ironic statement), and going on about being isolated, saying I will not go to the meeting. My only response was ok, that is your choice and I am really sorry you feel that way. The rest of us continued on with our evening and we were joking around about things about our day and so on. My youngest was really doing his best to handle what was going on and watching me not react. About 40 min later oldest comes out and says they want to attend the meeting and can he have a hug. I said ok. I love you. I'm glad you changed your mind. Dinner is almost ready. My bf later said that he didn't think he could have handled that situation the way I had and he had never experienced that before, I was holding on more than once and I did snap once .. you know overall I did really well.
The school situation there were 2 meltdowns. Turns out that he is very lucky. He has funding for the next semester however the last semester is in question. I decided to stay out of things. I did interject where appropriate. I did vocalize my concerns and they are valid. 4 weeks into school my oldest will have to have the funds for school for last semester should they pull them. There is the unknown maybe everything will be ok .. maybe not. I do see the Fed's pulling money because that's what they do. I said I don't have it. He asked if his grandma would cover and I said no. When we got to the window I asked for a more private setting that emotions were running high and my oldest showed his butt big time and flew off the handle at me because I used the wrong name. I did put him in his place over that .. there was no need to be that rude in front of others over that was unacceptable. I am doing the best I can, I expect the same grace I have extended to him over the last 4 weeks. He was absolutely out of line. I did not say it nice and I was not quiet. I am not sorry. I was upset, flustered, embarrassed and so on. I'm doing him a favor by bringing him to his appointment and so on. Which I choose to do .. however not to be spoken to like that.
The biggest thing I have discovered is my oldest is behaving like an addict .. the lying, withholding information, being sneaky and so on and this is not ok. Now while I can't control his behavior I do not have to participate in it. I did let him know this AM I am disappointed about the lack of honesty that is happening and we always have had a very open relationship. I do not care what kind of body he chooses to reside in .. I care about mental health, I care about emotional sobriety, and I care that he is safe, successful in whatever he chooses. I also care that he has an amazing relationship with the right person. Right now this behavior only confirms my belief that he is not prepared to have a relationship and be successful in school and something will have to give. It further tells me he's not ready to adult, he's still seeking his wings.
So no new answers until Feb and I'm honestly not sure what I hope for .. my concern is he will absolutely have zero consequences which teaches nothing .. OR there will be a very heavy deal and it will cost him greatly. I am shocked they will allow him to attend school before this is resolved 100%. That's the part I do not understand. That's the part that is most scary.
We did attend the PFLAG and boy had a great time and I am very glad about that. So I will go once a month and he will go 2x a week. This is a good thing because his activity will be separate from mine and it will give him confidence to be more open about who he is.
Thanks for letting me share,
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((Serenity))) - you done great! I hope you realize that this is just a boatload of 'new' hitting you square in the face and nobody is built to deal with too much at once. I love that you are using your tools and program to 'chunk' it down into manageable moments/events. Awesome job - I am with your guy....I just don't know that I'd be as grounded as you are - I would hope so but I have my doubts.
Both of my boys 'blew off' high school which of course affects what they are/are not eligible for related to higher education. Their 'blow off' years may/may not have been related to this disease - doesn't matter. They both are very intelligent, were placed in advanced classes and also were very athletic - both were pitchers for their HS teams.
My point - as they progressed in their approach to life, that's when I entered Al-Anon and one day --- out of the blue (I believe it was a HP thing) it dawned on me that I should not care more about their future than they do. Yes - they are/were/are immature and yes - they are taking many rocky roads on their journey...and as a mom, I would give my left lung to have them avoid pain and pitfalls yet I truly am powerless.
So - my oldest (25, will be 26 in Mar) is in his last semester of college. He already has a permanent job offer and has accepted it. He made a decision somewhere in his maturing process that he likes money a lot and can make more by having a degree. He's done all of it on his own financially - we cut all ties - insurance, mobile phone, taxes, etc. when he turned 18. He's got some loans and some grants. I don't know the details and don't need to know the details --- what I can do is tell him I'm proud and can't wait for graduation. There is no doubt he could have gone 100% free between academics and athletics but that's not what he did. It is what it is.
My youngest (23, will be 24 in Mar) hasn't yet figured out what he wants to do/be. He's currently hanging under the radar working for cash as there are debt collectors chasing him. Yet he's been sober right now longer than ever before and he's been employed in this job longer than ever before so who am I to think/say that what he's doing is 'wrong'. Only in this program did I learn to focus on unconditional acceptance and unconditional love.
Truth be told, mine are probably about 15 and 13 emotionally. They say things that make my eyes roll automatically and still have major melt-downs and tantrums. It's mind-numbing to me but I do try to just be true to me. I too have called them out for lashing at me when perhaps their anger has nothing to do with me.
Recovery has taught me that Life is really, really hard but rewarding. As we each explore our own path and move on our journey, there are ups/downs. Yet each hiccup for me along the way helped me change direction/self as needed. It sounds like your oldest has some maturity and priority issues - that's not uncommon and as my best gal pal (with 2 boys a bit older than mine) says, they'll come around. I think you are doing great and you just need to keep doing you. Our crazy making home here for years and years is a ton more stable when I am a ton less crazy. Doing me and recovery has made all the difference and I am sure you feel/see it too.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers for all of you....this is a path that is less traveled with tons of 'new' and you're doing great. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I sure could learn from you, as well! You guys are in a learning/growing period as is the whole family. What a beautiful example of recovery in action, although there are always bumps in the way it sure sounds as if you are working recovery and taking actions that are a path of wisdom. No one is perfect and anger and asking of respect is totally acceptable. I'm not sure what to say about the school stuff, but I do hope that it works out in a way that is best for him. Raising children is definitely not for the faint of heart! DANG! Hang in there girl, sending you hugs and light!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(((Serenity))) Oh, the joys of parenting! LOL!
What a post! You have been through the ringer my friend! But like others before me have said, you are really using your Al-Anon tools to your finest!
I just loved when you stood up for yourself with your son. Yes, I see that you said you didn't say it nice, or quiet. Perhaps this was a time for just such a response, no?
I liked the wording you gave... to paraphrase...I am doing the best I can. I am human. Please allow me the same grace and respect I have shown YOU over the last few weeks. THAT was honest... real.
I also feel it was VERY important to answer him with "No, I can't bail you out of your school situation, nor can grandma." Consequences of their actions, am I right? But I know as a mom, it is NEVER easy to allow that... it goes against your nurturing nature.
It is ironic that you can see some "addict-type" behaviors in him... I think us parents have to remember that the kids are always watching and learning... even if we don't see it as actively learning. That is one of the reasons IMHO, it is important to have the qualifying parent work a strong program. Without that, they teach undesirable behaviors... even when not actively drinking. Case in point, last month I finally had to sit my son down and explain why this certain behavior bothered me so much... why I was always reminding him to change it. He thought it was no big deal. I told him I understand that it is MY issue, but it is one of the things your father would do to me. I have been trying to hold it inside and working on myself with it, but I needed the knowledge out there... then he can decide if he wants to keep doing it. He was shocked and a little mad. Later he came to me and apologized and said he never wants to treat me (or anyone) like his father did, and thank you for letting me know.
You keep doing you. Your parenting style is awesome!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Just had to chime in and mention what a great example of your program working for you because you've been working your program.
Sometimes, when we're in the middle of a storm, we blindly reach into our toolbox and grab what falls to hand. It may not be the "perfect" tool (if such a thing exists). But, as with the role of parenting itself, it doesn't have to be perfect - just "good enough." One of my big points of gratitude is that I have accumulated enough tools in program that I can often grab one that is good enough for the matter at hand.
Thank you for the support because I feel like I have training wheels on. They are warped and not on securely in the least . ugh. It really has been a lot however actually my son said something to me that did make a difference for me and that was parenting a trans kid is not different and I pointed out yes it is. I gave birth to a girl, I have parented a girl, I have had the expectations of a girl growing up to be a woman, and now I have to change some of that .. he's still the same kid on the inside. However it brought to the front that what would I put up with from my kid born a girl or a trans son? The true statement is I would not accept unacceptable behavior from either and why should I just because my kid came out. I did point that out to him. I will not accept the unacceptable .. unacceptable is screaming at me in public because I screw up on a pronoun. It will be met with direct consequences.
We have come to a point to agree to disagree about some things and I have decided to drop the rope. PNP .. I had a similar discussion with my oldest about behavior mimicking his dad's and he doesn't have to like the comparison it's my perception and it doesn't make it invalid. Again back to the lying, sneaking, hiding and so on. The fact I asked no contact for 72 hours and he couldn't go 6 hours. There is also an issue of alcohol disappearing in the house again. The last time that happened it was an issue that she had been sneaking with her underage friend I did not like. I did point that out as well that the people I have not liked in his life have turned out to be there has been a reason. I don't want to do the whole I was right .. however I was right.
I had a funny ironic situation at work ... a few months ago we a woman come on board a as a new co-worker and I don't know what it was .. it was not good ju-ju I was getting from this person ... we are a very non work drama situation .. no one gossips about each other .. we support each other and genuinely like each other. This was a nice person ... I don't know .. just not a good fit and I got that within about 30 min of talking. She didn't last long it was about 5 weeks and I mean .. by the end of it I avoided this person big time. It was really uncomfortable by that point .. they asked extremely inappropriate questions didn't take direction and so on .. was very stuck on who had a degree and who didn't .. it doesn't matter you get paid the same to file or to reconcile a report .. deal. I have zero patience for that kind of attitude. I have had a similar feeling towards another co-worker however there's no bad ju-ju .. it's highly frustrating. Apparently there is now the "S" litmus test as to what do I think .. LOL .. so far I like the new person .. there was another person who I really like across the way .. she's awesome, funny, compassionate .. just a really good person. She came in with the person who was let go .. she stayed and we did a happy dance .. LOL .. and trust me we are all unique and different. I did laugh though when I get called in and get a what do you think question. My boss won't ask me that anymore because she's fully aware I will let her know what I think. However my co-workers do ask me. I trust my gut in those situations because on a whole I am not usually way off. I don't judge as much as I think is this healthy for everyone involved and my son has proven his gut intuition is not good. He continues to pick people who enable or need saving. He's using this person as a counselor and this person has no clue how to handle this situation and has his own mental health issues. I find him to be extremely manipulative and toxic.
I have decided that I need to allow things to play out the way they are going to play out .. I don't know the outcome and my HP does. I do not see this boy being long term. I do not want to create a situation that my son needs to prove me wrong. I have not vocalized my thoughts on this except to say .. I am not seeing healthy behavior .. I see extremely codie behavior from both. We will see. As my youngest pointed out a lot can happen in 30 days .. nothing has ever been so true. So I do expect my son to attend counseling, for us to do family counseling and I do not plan on having this other boy in our home so on that level both of them can suck it.
I am just not impressed and I don't believe I need to say more than that because I have already let my thoughts be known.
Anyway, today is just today and I will enjoy my time with my kids and boyfriend. Tomorrow will be tomorrow.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm not sure what similarities there are here but your story reminds me of my family's experience. My son is gay and did not come out until the end of high school. After that he went off to college and his first romantic relationship which was extremely toxic and ended very, very badly.
At some point I realized that he did not get the chance to have any of those kinds of relationships that you get at like 14 or during adolescence, drama filled learning experiences. When I was that age I had some really ridiculous relationships, but boy did I learn things from them. So he started out the same way but at a later age when most people have some experience to help them with sane decision making. He was too inexperienced to make good decisions but old enough to really do himself some damage in the process. But we are all older and wiser now.
I hope your family situation works out for the best.
Serenity - When my Kid was in a toxic friendship with a certain friend I did not like, my brother's wife (who is a child psychologist) advised me to say my peace once, but know that my dislike for this person will make that person more desirable to my Kid. She told me to allow Kid's counselor (LGBTQ & addiction specialist) to help Kid see the toxicity of the relationship. Oh, was she ever right - even though I am not going to lie, it was SO HARD for me! LOL!
Today, Kiddo is friendly with this person (b/c that's just the kind of person Kid is), but does not hang out, nor share the same "beliefs."
You sound like you are on the right track! Keep moving forward!!
Peace to you!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I did not deal with these issues with my son when he was younger because there was nothing going on. I did notice he gravitated towards people highly dysfunctional .. look .. I own my dysfunction I get that I'm not perfect and I'm not asking my kid to be perfect .. participating to be a person who is headed towards adulthood .. YES .. however perfect .. no that's so overrated.
I do not want to push my kid towards this relationship however it is obvious they need some boundaries like a bowling alley the guards that are up .. it's not always going to be a strike however obviously there are some things I left out that need to be addressed. I am trying to figure out how to do this without beating a dead horse. The one boundary I am absolute on is NO ROOMING with this boyfriend. This should not be his whole college experience as limited as it may wind up being.
Thanks again because all of this gets more and more perspective .. however I am not encouraging it on any level.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
