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Just got a message from our cell provider that my AH is tracking my phone! What in the actual heck?! Iām totally thrown by this. First, he has zero reason to suspect me of cheating. ZERO. Iām an all-in kind of woman. When I made my commitment to him, that was it. Unless divorce or death divides us, there will be no one else. Iām just not set up that way. And Iāve never had any reason to suspect him of anything either. Through whatever ups and downs weāve had, infidelity is something Iāve never worried about. But now I do. I hear lots of stories of the spouse who is actually cheating becoming paranoid about the one who isnāt. Could that be what this is? I really donāt think it is. I honestly donāt think heās capable of that anymore than I am. He has had a couple of friends going through a divorce recently. One was the cheating spouse and one was the one being cheated on. With the one being cheated on, it does seem, from what I know, that his alcohol use may have been a contributing factor. So, with my recent attitude change, could AH just be paranoid that heās missing something?! Iām so....ugh! Angry, confused, stunned, I guess. And regardless of the fact that Iām innocent, my stomach is in knots now. Have we really come this far? Does he really think I would do this to him?! I would never - EVER - cheat. But he must think I am. I canāt think of another reason why he would even think of doing something like this. I tried calling him - heās at work right now - but he didnāt answer. Instead he just texted me and said heād call me back. Iām a wreck and I donāt know why Things are just so tense right now and now this?!
I'm new here. I'm sure there are veterans who can give you some clarity. One thought I'll throw out there........(even though it's been a very long time since in Alanon)...........when we get "better" the spouse, kids, whoever the A is, and even those not drinking and so on really get thrown off by the changes in us . Things can be upside down in for a time. The "comfortable" normal isn't normal anymore..... They/we are so used to "abnormal being normal" it throws off all the dynamics in a family and so on.
I'm seeing this in my home. And for some crazy reason I do not understand .........YET........it makes me uncomfortable.
Hi, recently I had decided to make some changes in my life, I wanted to start the new year thinking about my recovery and putting myself first. This is something my AH is not used to and clearly finds unnerving, last week I had the same words thrown at me, accusing me of cheating on him! He can see no other reason for me to change my way of thinking other than, oh she must be cheating on me right.. I had enabled him for so long and turned a blind eye to too many things but the minute I stop I am the one in the wrong. I feel your frustration, each day I am getting stronger and remembering who I used to be. Your journey is what matters now.
As best I know, my AH has never tracked me - so no direct experience. However, in living with this disease, there were many days that every time I turned around, there was another WTH moment. Before recovery, this drove me crazy. I would sit, stew, worry, resent, assume, etc. It's just the way my brain is wired that I want to know why, when, who, where, etc. and of course I want to know in my desired time frame.
As I grew in recovery, I began to talk over all these 'events' with my sponsor who helped me determine what were 'big deals' and what were less than big deals. It feels from your post that this is a big deal to you. If it's consuming your mind, make a plan and follow through. Perhaps ask him why he's tracking you or ask the mobile company to turn it off. Not sure who is primary on the bill but that matters here on who can make changes.
I am a pray about it, talk about it person....there are so many things that this disease brings up that each is handled using the program as best I can. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks all - Iām much calmer now. We did talk about it. According to him, it was all a big mistake. Kept popping up on his phone via the My Account app from our provider that comes preloaded on all of our phones. He kept trying to dismiss it, eventually decided to check it out, thought it would be good for our kids and when he activated it, he accidentally activated it for all the phones on our plan. Do I buy that explanation? No, not really. Especially since we already have an independent app for monitoring their phones that includes geo-location and he knows it. But Iām willing to let it go for now. I have nothing to hide and if he needs some peace of mind right now as he struggles with staying sober (8 days now!) and getting his head right, then I can let it go. Not forever, but for now. I believe heās looking for a reason that explains my behavior shift and heās still not ready to accept that itās his actions that have led to the changes in me. Heās still looking for a cause that letās him off the hook. Not that I really view him as being āon the hookā anyway. These are changes in me that need to happen regardless of him and his issues. At some point, Iāll need to insist that he remove the service (phone plan is in his name) simply because Iām a big believer in the fact that if you distrust your partner so much that you need to track them, then maybe you shouldnāt be with them anyway. These are unique circumstances though so Iāll let it ride until this particular fear of his is put to rest. Iām an open book and the sooner he has faith in that, the sooner any excuses he may be entertaining in his mind will be stripped away.
Twinkies - good on you for having a conversation and finding some peace with it - even if it's just for today!!! I will readily admit that my AH is not nearly as tech-savvy as I and our boys and there is no doubt in my mind that what your AH describes could be a reality here....Not trying to change up your thinking at all - just sharing that he's learning still and has subscribed to a few things in error just trying to get it off his phone...
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Iamhere. It really COULD have been a mistake. I donāt really feel it was, but it *is* a possibility for sure. Ultimately I decided it didnāt really matter what led to it. Mistake? Ok, I see how that could happen. Struggling with a new, unfamiliar dynamic and questioning everything because, dang this is HARD and more than a little scary, and Iām feeling really vulnerable even though Iām not in a place yet where I really understand and can verbalize that emotion? Ok, I get that too. I can roll with that for awhile if it helps him find a place of peace.
I hear you Twinkies - and you sound good with your processing and program....I just wanted to share that in my world, this could actually happen. (((Hugs))) - you got this!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Things are just so tense right now and now this?!