The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has been back in the house now almost two months. But I have no idea who this man is anymore.
For a brief time when he first came back he made an honest effort to try to and stay sober ( a lot like a child after grounding them for a messy room and they attempt to keep it clean!) Of course it didn't last long. At first he was hidding it. Only drinking outside the house, coming home "off" but I had no proof that he had been, of course his actions spoke louder than his words.
We made it through the holidays, very uncomfortably. He had been sleeping on the couch, the Boxing day he goes to sleep in the basement and has been since.
The friday before New Years I come home from work to find him completely drunk. My youngest scared and angry. She spent her afternoon looking for his "stash". What child should feel like they need to this for a 50+ year old man! Of course I'm furious!! But I don't speak to him at all, just let him do his thing and go downstairs to pass out. Yes I even wished he would fall down the stairs so I could call 911 and have him rushed to the hospital. I had to talk myself to stop thinking like that. My head was so cluttered.
The next morning when he woke up, I walked up to him and said. Your suitcase is in the bedroom I suggest you pack and leave for awhile. I got I flat out NO. It's my house I"m not leaving.
Trying so hard to keep calm and not start something. I talked at him ( I say talked at him because he wouldn't respond to anything I said, except for......."you think you have all the answers!) That one got under my skin and has stayed there ever since!
I told him I don't have ALL the answers, or I would have flipped the magic switch years ago on all this s$$$. And if I make assumptions of could possibly being going on in his head, it's because he won't talk to me. His actions tell me a lot!
I suggested he goes to councilling, again I got a flat out NO, because I don't want to he says. He said stuff like if I leave, it'll be the last time you ever see me. Which I believe because he has cut people out of life before....family included.
So here I sit, more than ever before I feel like my hands are tied.
I don't know maybe I needed to get to this point.....and fully see that he does not want to get better. I know the things he is doing right now are to hurt me. Sleeping in another room, the cold shoulder.
More than ever before I need to go back to step one and start over.....again.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
I'm glad you are still hear and looking at healing for yourself. I know when I get to the point of ok .. my life really is unmanageable and I really am powerless do I look at doing something different.
It's a difficult situation and I am sorry you are dealing with all of this.
Keep coming back, there is understanding, healing and hope, S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am so sorry that you are living this. That your child is learning "codependent skills." As someone kind once said to me, 'Perhaps you have reached YOUR bottom?'
Sending you love & peace!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Its so difficult when they refuse to go - I had this too with my XABF and he wouldnt leave - sleeping in the sunroom getting drunk most days. In the end he got very drunk one night and when my son (19yrs old) and I came home he became for the first time very angry and intimidating. My son ended up being the one to end the chaos - the police were rung as my son felt I was unsafe to be home with him and the police took him to a motel for the night and gave a 3 day safety order of no contact. This gave me the space to realise how horrible my life was and the strength to say no to him moving back. Easier for me as it was my home. I have now had no contact for 1.5 months with a friend of his saying he had hit rock bottom and had left the country to spend time with his mum back home. Only after this happened did I find this program and although I wished I had found it earlier in my relationship I am so grateful for the support and knowledge here. I have found it so incredibly valuable and it has given me the abliity to put myself and my son first - probably the first time ever in my life - I wish you the best - looking after yourself and your child first (((hugs)))
