The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I left home young, I was afraid I'd kill my mum, my dad was pretty absent, I said I'd probably hurt her if it didn't stop and it didn't so I left.
A lot happens when you're young and you don't have anywhere stable to live.
I'm living with my mum again now as an adult. I feel guilty even writing this, I know that's not my fault. None of this is my fault.
Talking about it is still foreign to me, I was always terrified as a kid to bring it up, I never thought anyone would believe me.
I see her as a different person now, she is a person to me, for starters.
It's probably because I'm older, understand my own forms of addiction that I had fallen in and out of when I was a kid, understood how despite wanting to be better, it was almost impossible. How much more so with a life long disease? I have more compassion, we have more respect, usually its alright. Most of the time its great, I love her now, I hated her when I was a kid.
She's been binginng a fair bit lately. usually it was three nights a week, now its almost five. This eb and flow comes and goes depending on the month shes had. The aggitation or the aggression ebs and flows depending on the acceptance or rejection she has. I know all of this now, observing it as an adult, removing my own fear from it.
I'm frustrated that I can't just come home after a long week, a long day, month, to a normal loving house.
I'm frustrated that it is probably 4/7 nights of the week, chaos.
I know I'm fortunate that it's only four.
I don't care either.
I cry alot about it now. I'm tired of having to go for drives, I can't get to Al anon groups because we still never talk about her alcoholism.
she is in such heavy denial, everything is always the other persons fault. It breaks my heart because she is so loving and kiond msot of the time, I dont understand how she can be so blind to her own behavior, maybe its my fault, maybe I haven't spoken up enough.
I know that thats BS. That I haven't done enough. It's not my responsibility.
I'm frustrated that I am afraid when I come in the door.
Im upset I feel that way towards my mum.
I'm always afraid I'll find her passed out or worse.
I am always afraid.
Thats what frustrates me, exhausts me, the fear.
I'm working towards moving out, but tonight I'm frustrated.
I just wanted a quiet night and it was, it wasn't chaos, it was a quiet night although she was drinking, that happens too, calm quiet nights.
Has anyone else felt this way? I don't know anyone who feels this way.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 30th of December 2017 09:02:05 AM
Hello i can so identify. I would answer a resounding "YES" to your question regarding feeling fear-- In fact I do believe that this huge fear drove me to my first alanon meeting and kept me coming back .
Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease that you did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure . It does not matter if you discus alcoholism with your mom as the most important issue is that her drinking is causing you pain so that . Alanon is for you. Meetings, the literature, the simple tools are a life saver. Please search them out or join our on line meeting held here in the chat room
Greetings-I found out that I could not fix my alcoholic spouse, but I could work on fixing me. Nothing about Alanon is about my spouse. But it's about me getting stronger, finding new and different coping skills, teaches me that I can be OK when my spouse is not, and I feel it has been a life-saver for me. Any part of Alanon that you are willing to try will help you. And it sounds like you are suffering, like I was. I wanted things to be different, I wanted peace , I wanted the drinking to stop, the lies, the sneaking around, drinking and driving, etc. The only person I can control is me. Keep coming back, Lyne
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad that you shared. I have a similar story and found my way back to joy and sanity through recovery. Al-Anon is for family/friends who've been affected by alcoholism. You are welcome to attend and recover whether she does/does not.
You are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I stopped being frustrated when I accept the alcohol8c as they are. A's long as I am invested in their being.something pivotal to me the sense of deprivation is high.
I resist going in to help the alcohol8c all the time.
There is going to be the sense of dread and foreboding. There is also fo r me goingb to be the gnawing sense of what to do about their lies.
One of my friends who is an alcoholic has spent time making up.lies. They are there to manipate others. I don't know.what to.say about them so I.dont engage that much. I.found it very triggering before. Now.I let her have her.lies. I just don't feel I d to.them. Before that would have been an enormous trigger.
