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My partner and I got into a relatively big fight tonight. IMHO, we both were out of line, but I already know he won't own up to his part. Too many topics were covered but basically I was feeling neglected and like a third wheel because he has a friend visiting from out of town all week and I was ticked off also because his 12 year old takes my stuff without asking and acts entitled and agitated when she sees me wearing my own stuff!!! I came in wearing my own shoes and she immediately looked at my feet and was like, "OH, that's where they were?" Um, yes, they are my shoes and I wore them this AM. She then made a stink about how she has no shoes that fit and she asked if she could take mine and I told her no. I finally caved and decided I had other shoes I could wear to go hiking in later that day, but her attitude was not even close to grateful when I gave the shoes to her.
Then, she broke one of my Christmas angels I had out and put it in a kitchen cabinet. My bf told me tonight that he told her to throw it out since it was only worth $5 anyway. It wasn't....it had been a gift and I had a bit of sentimentality to it but I was really more ticked at his attitude about it and about her decision to hide it and not just tell me she broke the statue.
Later that day, my bf commented that I was crabby. Well, heck yeah, I'm crabby!! And, when I got emotional about it (and yeah, I wasn't my best self), he just shut down and told me he was mad at me and didn't want to talk. But, after about 5 minutes of some introspection, and a chance for me to get out of the emotions and INTO my head, I decided to apologize. I told him I was feeling like a third wheel with he and his friend and I told him I was upset that his daughter disrespects my stuff. I also told him I wasn't OK with her hiding what she broke instead of just owning up to it. He tried to tell me that it broke because (his justification by the way) it was sitting on fake snow on the table and it was unstable. UGH....it wasn't about the broken statue, this was about how he minimized it and told her to just throw it out without telling me! UGH.
Anyway, I just told him I was trying to be honest and that I was sorry for over-reacting. He told me I was being like "Jeckyl and Hyde" and that he found it too hard to believe my apology so soon after I flew off the handle about my broke statue, etc. Now, that really got under my skin, mostly because that was the term I used when I was dealing with my XAH. I decided to NOT even bother with a continued conversation, so I'm sitting here tonight contemplating over the whole 'Jeckyl and Hyde' thing and figuring out if it even applies to me or if maybe my original interpretation of the term was incorrect? Thoughts?
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(((andromeda))) - so, so sorry that you're 'here' with 'this'. I don't have any easy answers for the scenario above, but have come to accept that when others tell me they aren't ready to discuss, I need to listen. Most of the hateful, pointed words that have come my way from my guys have been at a point in time when I was trying to force a discussion, a solution or an outcome. I had the best of intentions, just as you did to apologize for my part, yet I had bad timing as they weren't ready yet to discuss.
I can also say that often, with my guys, the time to discuss never happens. All three would prefer to not discuss and instead just let it go. It is my need to talk it out, resolve it, make nice, etc. that baffles them as they are wired differently. They also struggle if/when I try to discuss more than one 'thing' at a time. If I throw an apology out yet follow it up with justifying my outburst, they will call me on the carpet for being passive/aggressive or Jeckyl/Hyde as well.
All that I know is each person I encounter is wired different than I. While I am never responsible for their happiness/emotions, I am responsible for me. I am always better served here is I lean into my program, examine my own motives and then decide how important is it really? And - of course - almost always at the center is my expectations. They may/may not be realistic but I know they are rarely if ever aligned with others' expectations.
Things work better here when I just say what I need to as clearly as possible without any 'because' or 'you' or 'he' or 'she'. In your scenario, I probably would have just made my amends without any additional words, and then discussed boundaries at a different point. You have a right to share or not your belongings with daughter. You have a desire for others to be accountable in life. One of these you have control over and one you really do not.
I can only find my part in home 'chaos' by breaking it down into really simple facts. I can readily admit that I can get riled up over things here, and quite frankly - they don't care. It's not that they don't love me, they just have different priorities. And, for me to expect them to care because the care for me borders on expecting others to fulfill me...make sense?
Simple, fact based processing is my only answer in situations like this....(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Andromeda)) I see the Jeckl and Hyde syndrome as responding in a vastly different manner to a situation, without a logical explanation .This entire situation sounds as if the Holiday togetherness is catching up and everyone needs to take a time out.
I would work a 4 and 5 Step on the situation noting my responses to partner and then see if an amend needs to be made. It sounds as if you had a great many issues going on such as feeling neglected by Bf, someone wearing your clothes and breaking your possessions. it would have been a huge challenge to "Say what you mean, mean what you say without saying it mean .
I wonder how the 12 year old started to wear your clothes and feel entitled in the first place. I think that a new boundary needs to be drawn to avoid this in the future.This is also reflected in the lack of respect for your broken decoration. The cost of the item should not be in question just he fact that it was yours and broken.
Going forward siting down when you have thought this through and stating how you feel on each subject might be helpful . As IAH suggest wait until each of you are ready to review the issues . I know when I" REACTED, my family always walked away saying i was unreasonable Using alanon tools I learned to take a deep breath, and respond to situations in a more constructive manner. YOU are not alone and i see that you had cause for being upset. I never found saying" I am sorry" was enoguh to solve the problems, in fact making amends, to me means, I have looked at the situation , discovered my part and am resolved to stop reacting in that manner. In other words I agree my behavior was out of line and I intend to change
Thank you both for those thoughtful responses. I tried to eek out a short apology this AM summing up the fact that I know my words arenât enough and owned my part of it. He was not responsive and just nodded and admitted he was still mad at me. No kiss goodbye, no kind words. One of my defects of character is that I canât handle people being mad at me.....so that makes me impatient and restless. I often go right to thinking that every fight is going to kill my relationship or that someone may hate me forever. I know thatâs all about me, though, and something I need to work on.
So I turn it over to God and let the chips fall where they may.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Jeckle and Hyde to me is about not knowing who is showing up... like someone with multiple-personalities... very confusing.
Your post brings back the memory of my sponsor impressing upon me the VALUE of doing a thorough inventory of myself when I feel resentful... and then discussing it with her. when I feel resentful today, it is cue for "inventory work." It is my program response and if I don't do it, I'm going to behave in pre-program ways. Before I developed the habit, I'd fall into fear, fear, fear about the relationship and become the "go-along to get along girl" or the "I'm sorry" girl, when I didn't even mean those words! I wasn't REALLY sorry and saying that I was only diminished me.
(if this does NOT resonate with you, please disregard my comments!)
Problems arise for me when my boundaries are wishy washy... and especially when I, myself, fail to honor my own boundaries. Why should anyone honor my boundaries if I don't?
The beauty of recovery is it provides the steps for me to get clarity on my part in my interactions with others, and the ability to change my responses that reflect my true self-esteem. No one will treat me with honesty or respect or loyalty, etc.... until I start giving it to myself. I always fell into fear of abandonment in relationships... old, childhood stuff.
Inventory and bouncing it off my trusted sponsor is how I develop clarity to grow out of old responses. Steps 4 and 5 are necessary for me... self-analysis takes courage but is a gold mine, keeping me from falling into the same hole over and over and over and over..... (my contribution to the insanity)
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 30th of December 2017 11:16:59 AM
On top.of.stress.from.his.famiky.the.ex.A.was.always.bringing in his friends.over the holidays.
That is part of.the issue.of.going over the.fop... The. holidays are really hard.there.is.a.lot.involved.
For.me.his family were.really d8fficult to.deal.with. His mother.was.adamant about her.expectsfions.
When I.didnt live.up to them she.was..incredibly difficult.
I falk.about expectations.with people now. I keep.things very simple over the holidays.
Even then without any of the stresses you had I got pretty #grumpy# I did.not feel the least bit guiltybbecause
I am entitldd.to.feeling tired.
I know alcoholics. I know their triggers. I watch boundaries.really carefully around them. I allow the holidays to be stressful for me too. I give myself.a lot of space. I didn't do that before.
There are certa8n people who want all my attention. Lately I.have.just told them I.dont.feel.wwll.
I think you are entitled to have issues at Christmas. No one has to be.perfext. You are also entitled to your space.
I was hyper vigilant befo re. Now.I.am hypercompassionate to me and not just to others.
"To thine own self be true," is what comes to mind. When I'm not being true to myself, "Jeckyl and Hyde," might be a fitting term. I've experienced many of the same issues as 2HP. Thankfully, I've worked through them with the help of Alanon. It's true that this is a program of self focus but I discovered that one of my most glaring defects was not truly knowing myself and what I deserved. My emotions controlled me, my need for vindication by others whenever there was some sort of fallout in order to relieve my feeling of rejection or fear of abandonment. Sadly, my denial of fully loving myself first and foremost brought people into my life who were controller who got mileage out of preying on the soft spots of others. When as a new Alanon I tried to consider my part, look at my side of the street and offer an apology, the very unhealthy receiver of the apology would act righteously indignant, escalate the nature of my wrong and even operationalize silence as a weapon of punishment. Today, I see this was a way I allowed another to keep me in a one down position, control, get an ego boost from dependency on them for validation of self.
Having been raised with alcoholic loved ones, marrying an alcoholic/addict spouse, this push/pull dynamic was very familiar. When I moved from relationships with alcoholics to non alcoholics, the pattern of pull me close/push me away on your terms continued. I am the kind of person who wears their heart on their sleeve and feels life is short and when we care about one another we should be able to be open and discuss something and move on and be well.. best buds again. But an Alanon sponsor told me she suspected my then bf was using a tactic of emotional and physical affection withholding as a way to punish me and keep me in a one down position. It came as a surprise to me. With my 4th and 5th steps, I realized I was repeating my history, accepting the same behaviors of an active alcoholic/addict now with a non substance abuser. I was with a controller,allowing it and things are always going to be on his terms.
Today, through lots of step work, my personal boundaries are in place. My relationships at least the ones with new people who I invite into my life, are with available people. There's trust so open and honest communication is possible even when it may feel a bit uncomfortable. Family of course is another story. They will be with me until the day I die and I can only lead with self respect and respect for them as my loved ones. I can try to be a good listener and take their feeling into account, say what I mean not say it mean and let go and let god. This program has taught me that I am neither above others nor below them. So when I speak with my family members particularly those not recovering, I remember they are loving children of a higher power as worthy of love as myself. I may not like certain behaviors, they might not like mine but I try to lead by coming from a loving place in my interactions with them. With that said, coming from a place of self actualization today rather than low self worth, I can choose to love family members at a distance if they prove to be abusive.
"To thine own self be true," is what I consciously choose today by continuing to work the steps and staying cognizant of my true feelings. I can let people go today despite it feeling painful to do so if I sense I'm being gaslighted by them for instance. I can't change others nor do I care to but I can protect myself by removing myself from situations without guilt about putting myself first. My recovery journey is about continuing to move forward toward healthier energy, light and serenity. I'm not alone, my hp is with me and I'm surrounded by a lot of others in this program some not in 12 step programs who also want to build on positivity.
So being a Jeckyl and Hyde is not where I am these days. I was when I changed myself like a chameleon for one audience or another in order to be liked and not rejected. There's this joke in Alanon that the Alanon who is not working their program sees another person's life flashing before their eyes at their moment of death. It's a blessing today to have my idenity defined by my higher power rather than being so brutally hard on myself through my own expectations for myself or the expectations of others for me. "Thy will not my will be done."
Thanks for your share. Glad you keep coming back to share the journey. I think you're working your Alanon program and are choosing you. Sometimes when stand up for ourselves, it's met with resistance by others. I'm sorry that your angel ornament was broken. I understand what it's like to have items like that of sentiment and meaning. (((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I think I have a different take in regards to the first part seems to be what this was really about .. you feel neglected because he's got someone visiting for a week. I tend to have the it's a week I'm in it for the long run attitude ... enjoy the space and quiet. As far as the 12 year old. That to me is secondary and any expectation. You want her to have gratitude because you bestowed shoes on her. I find the whole saying no 25x then saying yes the 26th time annoying. If you mean no stick with no .. however If you mean yes .. start there and it's less conflict habituated dealing with people specifically kids. And it doesn't send the message If you wear me down I'll get to the yes. If he's not willing to parent that's a different issue. Hiding things is not ok. I have always viewed Jekyll/Hyde syndrome as not knowing who's coming in the front door or even to a conversation. My ex step dad started off conversations by being manipulative nice when he realized he wasn't getting his way Hyde showed up and stuff that was 6 months old got brought up. Take what you like I don't think the issue is the shoes or the angel .. it sounds like a good step 4/5 and working on self worth as well as self esteem would be a large help to looking at what's really going on. It's never about the drink ring left on the coffee table or the tooth paste cap left off in the bathroom. There is usually a deeper issue happening .. if it's really that minor then a HALT is a good place to start. People aren't perfect. There are things that are truly deal breakers and only you can decide that issue. Best of luck.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
A lot of interesting observations here. I think it's ironic that your bf says that you being angry sometimes (and apologetic sometimes) is like Jekyll and Hyde, and then he reacts to that by being angry. I guess he's only being Jekyll, then! (or is it Hyde? I don't know which one is the angry one.)
It sounds as if you are thinking about your situation, trying to take steps to handle it, maybe making a misstep now and then as is natural (lending the shoes to the daughter after she wheedled, which didn't have the desired effect), but then reflecting and trying not to operate out of a place of anger - just what we all hope for in a relationship, isn't it?
In my view it's good for people to solve their own emotions. Instead of handing them over to others to solve. So you are letting your bf solve his own emotions right now. If he thinks they're your responsibility, that's useful information to have about his way of regarding the world.
Serenity made a good point that hit me hard. I am so used to a compliant child and one who always took NO for an answer that I often donât set proper boundaries or expectations in my relationships with bfâs children. They are a whole different animal than what iâm used to but I am trying to learn. I feel like they outsmart me at every turn. Itâs a totally new learning curve, honestly.
Bf came home from a work event seemingly like his normal self. Heâs always been good at letting go of his anger and managing his own emotions. Iâm the one who is a codependent mess!
Mattie said some important things as well. All things here are great food for thought. A step 4 is huge and I just started back with it last month, actually. For now, I know I need to set proper boundaries and expectations with his oldest and I need to make sure that when I say NO, itâs final. Even if it means the girls get upset with me. Bf posted some pics on FB of our hike this AM and I realized itâs the first time weâve ever posted a pic of all 4 of us together.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Andromeda thanks for the trust of the fellowship and the courage to do it. Suggestion from me? Try weaving the emotion of fear thru and around the actions and reactions which you and he and his daughter used during this event and see what you come up with. Fear is a mighty motivator for how I respond when caught outside of the program. ie. I was feeling neglected; like a third wheel. The relationship between he and you and his daughter and you and he. Try that kinds of inventory taking your personality out of it...be your own counselor. (((hugs)))
Hi Andromeda
Thanks for your post I could relate. Here is experience with the topic. Take what you like and leave the rest. My daughter is constantly pushing my boundaries and trying to wear me down to a yes and if I dig really deep I am the one who taught her that. If I let her push me around I get really mad at her after about the 10th thing she has pushed me on and then I react and it's not positive. I've been working on being more firm with her with the word no. And my daughter can push. I joke with her father that she should be a litigator or negotiator of some sort when she is older. It's fascinating to see how she has learned that I am the weak link. Just as Serenity said I sent the message to her that if you wear me down you'll get the yes. Man that has been a challenging thing to deal with. I think I often gave in because I second guessed myself. I am starting to learn more and more what my limits are. It's taken practice by saying no. I think I was over thinking it for a while. But as I got more confident in my no she stopped pushing so much and seemed to gain more respect for me. Thank you for reminding me of this because it is something I am still working on.
Being upset that people are mad at you and feeling restless.......That's been me for the last 37 years. It wasn't until i was in Al Anon that I came to realize this about myself. I have a really hard time when people are mad at me. If I can leave it alone and them alone for a while it is often best for me. Everyone needs some time to cool off and I try to remind myself that I am respecting that. As for the Jeckyl and Hyde thing I see that as two different personalities just like other's described. To me there is a difference between being upset about something and being a totally different person. I often surprise people close to me when I get angry or upset because I was (often still am) the peacekeeper and appeared so even tempered. I've started let people close to me see that I do get upset, I do get angry I do get frustrated and it's ok if I do.
If Jekyl and Hyde was a term you used in relation to your ex maybe your bf picked up on it and used it unintentionally because he's heard you say it? I know I often hear my AH using Al Anon slogans LOL. He didn't come up with them out of thin air he has heard me say them and finds them useful. Just today he said "take what you like and leave the rest" and I couldn't help but smile.
I hope the rest of the week gets better. Sending you hugs and support.
KT, it's nice to know I'm not alone! I still have a lot to learn about these kids and my bf kind of leaves me to my own devices with them, letting us work out our differences and conflicts without his interference. Not that he stays completely out of things, but just that he gives us all space to learn to get along.
I'm still feeling uneasy even though it's clear that we're OK for now. We obviously need to talk about my issue with boundaries and how I still need time to adjust to the way their family works. It's not easy being a step parent, and it's sure not easy being in a relationship when you've got so much dysfunction brewing in your own head.
And, Jerry.....YESSSSS!!!! Fear is totally my topic for my 4th step that I started with my sponsor! Thank you!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Cool beans that you all hiked together and captured the memories!! Cool beans that each day gives us a new chance to learn, grow, be and live. You got this girl - you got this! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Andromeda thank you for the post J&H, and the trust you put in this site. I appreciate all the feed backs and the great experience others came forward with. Hope things get better for you and you get a breather in between. Linsc
(or is it Hyde? I don't know which one is the angry one.)