The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading today talks about how many of us are reluctant to get close to people as a result of living with alcoholism. We have learned it is not safe to trust or reveal too much or even to care too deeply. Yet we often wish we could experience closer, more loving relationships. Al-Anon suggests a gentle way of approaching this - sponsorship.
When we ask another to sponsor us, we express a willingness to experience more intimate relationships. When a sponsor is there for us, returning calls, offering support, caring, etc. we develop a basis for trust. We realize that our sponsor also has a life and that sometimes they will not be available. That's OK - as we learn to trust again, we find it easier to reach out to the fellowship.
Sponsorship helps us learn how to receive love and also about giving. When we see unconditional love combined with self-care in the form of a sponsor, we see how support can be offered without control or advice. We can then practice what we learn, and hopefully offer the same for others.
Today's reminder --- Intimacy can be one of life's great gifts. I will avail myself of its benefits by reaching out to an Al-Anon friend today!
Today's Quote -- from Sponsorship -- What It's All About -- "The interchange between sponsor and sponsored is a form of communication that will nourish both of you."
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I am lucky to have arrived at Al-Anon with a double-winning sponsor. She gently suggested I come for a long while before I made it here. My fear and ego were an obstacle to my reaching out for help in Al-Anon. Yet, she never scolded me or chided me or tired of my insanity before I arrived. She's a gentle soul and truly allows me to figure things out while sharing her own experience, strength and hope.
I truly have learned to be a more open, gentle person as a result of her style and recovery. We share openly about all subjects and I never feel any shame or guilt for the crazy thoughts that can happen in my mind. True unconditional love and intimacy for me has resulted from choosing and using a sponsor. I'm grateful for this wonderful tool in recovery and believe it's one of many that have encouraged me to keep changing, learning and growing.
I have watched many who pick/choose tools to use in recovery and limit their own growth by deselecting some. I have seen others who appear to almost blossom as they are willing to go to any lengths to find sanity and serenity. Tapping into a give/take relationship with a sponsor has helped me better understand how genuine relationships work and for that I'm grateful.
Happy Thursday to one and all - make it a lovely day.....stay safe/warm if you're affected by this crazy cold weather!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This reading made me reflect on a lot of things. I haven't found an "official" sponsor myself, in part because my first home group was mostly male (in terms of regular attendees), and my second home group does not "do" sponsorship. (I think because the group is just a couple years old and no one had been through the steps yet. We are going through the steps together as a group.) On one hand, that is nice, because we are a small, close group, and we can reach out to anyone for support. I understand not wanting to overburden the few group founders with many sponcees. At the same time, I find sponsorship to be very important, and I am sponsoring a newer member. I appreciate the closeness of the relationship, and find a lot of value in that closer connection.
The reluctance to share too much, too openly, and to be protective of oneself rings true to me, and I have felt that way throughout my life, even before my relationship with my qualifier. It is interesting to me that I found a group that I am comfortable with that omits sponsorship, and also interesting to me that I am comfortable with the sponsoring role, and not overly concerned about the lack of sponsor for myself. To me, it feels like a "nice to have" rather than a "need to have," although frankly, MIP was a life saver early in my recovery, and I turned to the boards when I would have probably called a sponsor.
I feel ramble-y this morning, and don't think I have reached any conclusions about today's reading yet, just a lot of things to think about for myself.
Very cold here today, and I found a water leak when I got to work. Luckily, my job is not fixing the water leak - just minimizing damage until the physical plant guys can get here.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good Morning Love this reading and appreciate the fact that alanon truly does understand the hidden, unrecognized pain and suffering that is generated by living with the disease of alcoholism . Being able to feel safe sharing at a meeting and with a sponsor came to me with great difficulty as I always kept an arms distance between myself and others.
Using alanon tools I uncovered my hidden agenda and saw my motives clearly. By calling on the slogans, and silently attending meetings I finally found the courage to trust and share. I was than able to ask someone to be my sponsor That relationship helped me to find my voice and myself for which i am eternally grateful.
Appreciate your service and pray that you have a lovely day
Thanks to all for your ESH. I readily relate to this reading because I don' t ever want a new, romantic relationship . I am staying with my spouse, although improving, this is my last relationship of this nature. With the progress I am making, I feel too damaged to ever want to be so vulnerable again to another broken, devastated heart. I feel this is a short-coming of mine but I don't even want to work on it.
The relationship I have with my sponsor helps me tremendously . I did take a chance and trust her and I'm glad I did. She has helped me, and continues to help me, be a much better and healthier person. I would not be as far along without her help, and for that I am truly grateful, Lyne
I feel the same Lyne, I trust no-one and my emotions and feelings are closely guarded. I can't even think of letting my guard down now, it's too much risk to take to live with a broken heart again. It's not in my nature to be like this but I keep my distance now out of fear of being let down again. It's a very sad and lonely way to live but I feel I am protecting myself from further hurts.
I liked this topic today b/c it shows just a fraction of why alcoholism affects not just the user. I am blessed to have many friends. Only a handful know that I have left my husband and moved out, and only 2 know the gory details. One of those is my sponsor! Because of this disease, I have never really gotten close to many of the people I call my friends. Too afraid to let them know what kind of life I really live. Sad to limit myself in this way. That is why I am thankful for MIP, my sponsor, and my therapist... it helps me move out of the shadow of embarrassment. At the same time, it wakes me up to the realization that so many have hardships... it's NOT all about me! LOL!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Why is it that we feel that we cannot confide in those closest, what is it we fear? Is it the embarrassment or the shame or really we just don't know what to say. I have friends of 30+ years who know nothing of my suffering yet I do not feel I can turn to them for support. I just plaster on a fake smile and pretend everything is just fine and they accept that without question, I wonder why they don't look at me and see the anguish and sadness in my face.
I hear you allywoo... I'm reluctant too, but jsut starting to reach out to one friend... I think part of the fear is - how will they react? Will they be angry at me for staying? Angry that I'm thinking of leaving? Will they take it personally that I didnt tell them sooner? will they say something to my A and make him even worse? will they just blow it off? But - you never know if you don't try. AlAnon is safe - everyone knows at leats a little what you're going through! No judging!
I know that I was reluctant to share with family or friends because I did not want anyone to judge me or give me advice -- After all they thought that i knew all the answers and had a perfect life.
Why is it that we feel that we cannot confide in those closest, what is it we fear? Is it the embarrassment or the shame or really we just don't know what to say. I have friends of 30+ years who know nothing of my suffering yet I do not feel I can turn to them for support. I just plaster on a fake smile and pretend everything is just fine and they accept that without question, I wonder why they don't look at me and see the anguish and sadness in my face.
I hear you too, Ally.
At first, it was because I hid from the embarrassment of this happening in my life... I mean, outwardly, I looked like I had it all. I was a very good manager. And I am still from the culture (at least my parent's generation) that felt that the wife was the reflection of her husband, and that it was her "duty" to direct him and mold him into a wonderful man and father... ever heard the phrase, "Behind every good man is a great woman?" While that may indeed be true, it is a hard thing to live up to when living with addiction. I mean, the first time, I actually had my spouse's mother tell me several times, "You just need to do this, or tell him that... blah, blah, blah." Made me feel like a piece of sh*t, to be honest. I mean, my head knew I couldn't control him - he's an adult for Pete's sake - but everything else was listening to his mother. ~sigh~
This time, I not only had embarrassment, but I just knew I would hear the "I told you so's" as almost everyone was shocked I took my husband back after he finished rehab that first time. I just didn't want to hear the "I told you so's." Not to mention I had the constant "You just don't/won't support me enough" from my AH. So I thought things that were unacceptable were me just being "too sensitive."
The great thing about Al-Anon is that it teaches you that it is not the responsibility of your friends to "see" your pain and respond... they have their sh*t in life as well. Al-Anon helps us to realize that it is all within US... should we choose to accept and recognize it. Then we begin to share, and let people in... we no longer wonder why people aren't reacting to our pain. We KNOW that balance is ours to grab, and our friends are just staying "on their side of the street," just like we need to. There is no time-table for this... it happens at different times and different ways for us all.
I am beginning to find that I am a "fixer," a "reacter." When someone doesn't react in the same way as myself would in that situation, I wonder what is wrong with them? Why can't they see me suffering? I mean, I see them. Some people call this an Empath. But it is not a good thing when dealing with addiction! The goal is to be able to be that Empath and still know how to stay in my hula hoop, and not take it personally when others don't notice things I think they "should."
As usual, take what you would like from this, and discard what doesn't work for you!
Peace!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Thursday 28th of December 2017 02:59:54 PM
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you for your service, IAH, and for all the ESH above. I came to my first meeting almost a year ago, but I only begun working with a sponsor this month. I'm grateful I did, and my current feelings in this very young stage of sponsee-sponsor relationship already echo a bit what is said in today's reading. I have a very strong fear/reluctance to emotionally connect with people, this issue definitely got much worse in the years living with an active A, but looking back I see I have never really been emotionally "open". I'm still afraid to confide my true thoughts and feelings, I'm getting better working the program, but I am aware that I "shut out" a part of myself still and I suppose this will take time and work to make better. But even in the brief amount of time I've had my sponsor I feel something has shifted slightly in a healthier direction.
For me, I tried to reach out to close friends and family and they would get frustrated with me when I did not take their advice. They viewed my uncertainty and confusion as indifference to their wise words, and many distanced from me as living with an alcoholic is not easy to hear - much of what we experience and go through is cyclical and they don't understand why we are stuck where we are. The easiest answer - they really do not understand and try to apply logic for us to an illogical situation. I also am quite certain that much of what I said sounded beyond insane as this disease does that to friends and family - hence why we have our own recovery option.
I can relate to what Lyne shares also. I know that should I outlive my AH and we remain together, I will not ever marry again. I've not given up entirely on any/all relationships but do know that much. I am just not wired to be a great partner....I can still be black/white in my processing so I want either to be independent or codependent - I don't know what's the right level but my go-to are not healthy for me. I have 3 aunts who have all managed to grow old without spouses - 2 divorced, 1 widowed. None of the three ever remarried and surrounded themselves with great family, great friends and tons of great times. One (youngest) is now dating/living with a man - she's 65 and they moved in together 3-4 years ago. They have been awesome examples for me to not fear what tomorrow brings as faith in a HP does carry one forward.
Today, resulting from these steps, I trust me more which helps me trust others more. I no longer 'hide' my situation nor my A's but I also don't lead with it when asked, "How are you?" Focusing on me, my needs, my recovery, etc. has given me a new attitude and pattern of thinking and I can actually tell someone how I feel without ranting on the disease, the diseased, the antics and choices of the disease, etc. Before recovery, it was all consuming and I am quite certain I sounded like a bitter person who had nothing nice to say about anyone or anything.
Another gift of this program - I am selective about who I trust. There are some folks, even in recovery, who talk more and share about others more than I desire/care for. I am a very private person and don't want the world knowing my business unless I am speaking about it from the podium. By the grace of a great sponsor and this program of recovery, I am better able to pick healthy folks to walk closely with on my journey. They know and I know without ever saying that our discussions and pain and what-not are safe and that's such a good feeling esp. since I tended to pick the sickest people in the room before as a means of building my own self up.
Unconditional acceptance of self and others combined with unconditional love of self and others really makes trust a bunch easier in recovery. Great shares everyone - so glad you're all a part of my journey!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for this .. in doing my 4th i was just getting to Me .. terrified of getting too close sometimes 'still but what i read up there is pretty cut and dry (direct) We have learned it is not safe to trust or reveal too much or even to care too deeply. Sharing with others i cared about included being on the receiving end of a 'family disease of judgments; opinions (right 'ones making mine always 'wrong; me ?) criticism; blame; punishment; much shame; accusations; confusion; more .. It is Really hard for me to open up sometimes when i am not sure what is 'hidden behind 'those closed doors .. I am in more pain than usual tonight as i search this area inside me but i love your post because it helps me to know and to Remember (I) am Not alone .. and everything i am going through is Normal for one effected by the 'disease of alcoholism ... the one thing that gives me hope is also remembering this program is All about Change .. fear to faith .. doubt to hope .. chaos to serenity & despair to trust .. & love which is the essence of all healing ..
(((( grateful for you .. sending hugs )))) do know if the shame weren't healing 'some there is No way i could share this tonight .. that's always a bonus .. here i am afraid to open up to people but yet i am opening up on the Internet .. with lord only knows how many others who read these posts .. ((( anyway there's hope here tonight; courage too ))) when it comes to sponsor .. i always loved my sponsor & still do but find the longer she goes without meetings, the less trustable she is becoming; not sure even she's aware of this herself .. doesn't return calls too much these days and spends her time making her time more important all the time rather than remembering our common good (recovery) comes first; tradition .. her own isn't coming first either .. so anyway the hard part .. not sure i will find another (where i am at offline) who has done as much work or who is quite as matched with me .. but then again i guess i am realizing right now as i write this; the beginning of the change .. hmm seeing how do i really know .. (I limit myself by my judgments and smug know it all distorted thinking) (recognizing this fear won't turn to faith without trying another 'eventually and seeing how it goes .. thank you again .. I am still reluctant to trust .. but i guess we're learning slow we can 'trust the program ..
clarifying though .. it isn't all or nothing .. she is willing to do the 4th and further just doesn't return the calls so recognizing my judgments especially right now on the 4th realize it might be my perception tonight from staring at resentments .. she's also Human .. i will be So grateful to have this step finished Again ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Thursday 28th of December 2017 07:30:26 PM
Hey there (((MeTwo2))) - good to see you and so glad you shared. One Day at a Time, we learn and grow - even if you don't see it or feel it, I see your awareness and growth in your share. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
