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Hi everyone. I tried to skim the guidelines for posts and everything, but honestly, my brain is spaghetti right now. Hopefully, I don't break any rules here with this word vomit. I just feel like I need some support right now. I'm an adult daughter of an A, and I'm honestly not sure if my dad is an active A. As I type that I know it's screaming denial. I plan to attend my first Al-Anon meeting this Sunday because I feel like I don't know what else to do. I never realized my dad had a problem until he quit. He went through severe DTs and was hospitalized (medically induced coma/vent/ the whole she-bang.) I was, oddly enough, really proud of him once the shock wore off. He had the CTC, and that was amazing! He made the decision and did it all on his own. My mom, I've only recently realized, isn't very helpful with his recovery.
It's been a year and some months after the initial hospitalization, and I think I've seen him go through DTs again. I say "think" because he doesn't share much about his med. history, and my mom likes to keep everything hush-hush. He was hospitalized for an unrelated incident almost a year ago, and I know it happened again with the shaking and hallucinations; he denied drinking. He's been off-work for many months (due to several factors that I won't go into here.) and was just in the hospital again for another unrelated incident. Again, he was shaking like crazy. The hospital doctor basically said he's either drinking/stopping or there's something neurological going on and to f/u with his regular doc. That f/u appt was today, and I'm really disappointed. They (mom, mostly) basically wrote the shaking off like it was nothing, and they're going back to life as it was before. To me, that means my dad is probably hiding his drinking, and my mom, honestly isn't really looking that hard to find it. I just worry about him. He's severely depressed, and I know he isn't being honest. I finally got him to a therapist a month or so ago. He (surprisingly) is letting me go to some of their sessions. I've attended one, and he was pretty much trying to pull the wool over her eyes the entire time.
I know I can't help anyone else if I don't care for myself. My usual tactic for life is running away and pretending things aren't happening around me, but I care about my mental health; so I'm not doing that anymore. I have a wonderful husband to whom I vent; he keeps me grounded. I meditate which I feel helps me tackle these problems with more mental clarity. Like I mentioned before, I plan to attend an Al-Anon mtg this week to see what that's about because it'll probably give me the best guidance. I'm just frustrated, disappointed, and bummed.
You are in the right place... for YOU. I am sure there will be many long-timers that will chime in with much better ESH (Experience, Strength, and Hope). This program is to help you! With it, you will be able to truly understand that despite all the love in the world, you did not Cause it, you can't Control it, and you certainly can't Cure it. It will help you to deal with the issues in your FOO (Family of Origin). The hardest thing to accept, IMHO, is that you cannot make things better for your loved one.
Read here, and definitely check out the Face2Face meetings... they can be invaluable. Just know that every meeting is different. If you don't like one, seek out another!
I think probably the most important thing is to keep an open mind... not everyone's experience will pertain to you. They have a great saying in the meetings (we use it here too)... "Take what you want and leave the rest."
Wishing you peace!
PNP
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hi Chels - I'm new and overwhelmed, too! God bless you in your struggle - it seems you are doing a LOT to help your dad and you seem to be incredibly strong! Keep up the good work, and make sure you take care of yourself too. (Easier said than done, I know ! But we gotta try! Thank you for posting this!
Welcome Chels I am pleased that you plan to attend an alanon meeting in the near future. Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive chronic disease over which we are powerless. I had to learn that since this is a disease I did not cause it, could not contro lit and could not cure it.
My only options were to develop new constructive tools to live by. I found these in alanon meetings andon this message board. You are not alone and there is hope please keep coming back.
Hey, Chels, I wanted to welcome you too. I think its great you are reaching out, because I know this was a point in life for me when things gradually started to get better. Alcoholism is crazy-making un very cunning and something I didn't know how to handle at all... There is lots of hope and help available in the meetings and here on MIP. Keep coming back :)
I too send a welcome Chels - glad you found us and glad that you shared. There is no rational thinking that applies when this disease strikes - for the drinker, denial is huge and the disease pulls continuously. For the family and friends, denial again is huge and we try to fix, control, manage, etc. for others in an effort to battle the disease. It is, as stated above, crazy-making all around.
While Al-Anon is not a cure-all for the drinker or the disease, it does give us (friends/family) tools and constructive ways to live with, deal with and heal from the affects of this disease. I too am glad to hear that you plan to attend a meeting - it is in meetings, fellowship and an open mind that I found my path to a better life.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am glad you.are here. It is pretty normal around an alcohol8c to.feel that everyone else id.not.doing enough. After all they have totally abd8cated all responsibility for their life.
Judging others contribution to the A's alcoholism is pretty much the norm too. I am glad you are looki g at al.anon. Have g Dr's is a sign of severe withdrawal. My younger sister had the Dr's pretty early in her career of alcoholism. She eventually plateaued out and became functional. Nevertheless she was and still is an alcoholic.
I felt frustrated angry remorseful and most of all sad all my life about the alcoholism. Needless to say I felt over whelmed al9ne and totally lost.
Am anon can help you a lot. There are a lot of tools that are really very very helpful.
I hope you will g9ve al anon a chance it is not an easy program. None of.us comne here by.chouce but eventually many of us find a great deal of solace here .
I suggest besides the meetings to get Al-Anon literature ...the daily readers and the info books as these will help you understand well and will stay with you on this journey. Glad you stopped by at MIP and hope you stay and participate with us. Sad you are going thru what you are going thru. None of us ever liked it either and often we thought there was no way out and as we continued on the journey we found we were wrong. You can and will recovery because this program works when you work it. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
