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Iāve struggled over Christmas. I kept saying to myself leading up to it I was going to be fine but it didnāt quite work out that way. Iāve seen my ex Ah at work a couple of times Christmas week briefly. Sheās happy - looks it and has kept our conversation very brief. I hugged her when I finished Wednesday and said have a nice Christmas and she just stared at me like she was going to cry.
It was really weird - I put both my arms round her and she just used one. I donāt know why I have homed in that... I just thought for god sake just give me a hug.
I cried all the way home. I managed to get myself together when I got a message Xmas day morning saying she was thinking about me and have a nice Christmas. Sheās put many pictures over the last 4 weeks on social media displaying how well she is doing -photos with her family who she made friends with.
Iām having to accept that our relationship is was toxic on both parts I think and Iām finding it very hard. Iāve alwsys blamed her for everything. And now Iāve had to look at my own behaviour. Nothing I ever did was enough though so thatās why I held back a lot with her. Because weāve had hardly any contact and sheās stayed sober I feel like I was one her triggers.
Iām surrounded by my family that love me and Iām making myself physically ill over a person who doesnāt care about me at all I donāt think anymore. Iāve had to take anti depressants which Iāve never taken in my life but they helped slow my mind down. I canāt get to meetings.
I canāt disappear for an hour and half at the moment without everyone worrying about me. I canāt tell anyone Iām going to al anon. So the best I can do is come on here.
What I donāt understand is how within 6 weeks someone canāt just walk out of your life with someone else when they have wanted you for so long and Claim to be in love with you. I find it hard to blame alcohol for that. I am a complicated person I come with baggage - kids...married ! and she found someone less complicated I think who was new to her alcoholism and was full of sympathy. I was hard in some ways and when she drank I took away my love away from her, and ignored her for days and it back fired she found someone else.
I question myself all the time about that.
Anyway sorry for the morbid blog just feeling sad today. And I miss her even though Iām probably well rid.
Hello Carly I am so very sorry that you are not able to attend face to face AlAnon meetings We do hold online meetings here every day Check the e chat room (found at the top of this Board for the time. I urge you to attend . Meetings helped me to develop the tools I needed in order to survive and thrive while dealing with this dreadful disease of alcoholism. Living one day at a time, foused on myself i found new tools to live by, so please do keep coming back
I too would suggest online meetings if you can't attend face to face meetings. There are no easy answers or short-cuts when dealing with grieving and this disease just adds many layers of complexity to it all. I arrived in Al-Anon recovery with low self-esteem and wanted answers to all my questions too. It just doesn't happen that way - more is revealed as we heal and deal in our program.
I'm sending you positive thoughts for recovery - we all deserve to be happy, healthy and whole! Keep coming back.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I don't kniw.therr.are.any triggers.for.alcoholism. Alcoholics drinm.when.its good.and.whe .its.bad. i.think.we.want to.take.their.behavior.personally.becausd.then.there.might be.some.control over it.
Many people when . They first gsd.sober.are in.a #pink.cloud# that is.everything goes.from.qll bad to all good.
Alcoholics are.of.course famous.for.blaming others. They are.pretty persuasive.about it too.
Thanks everyone - I suppose selfishly and I do feel wicked for saying this but if she never had a drink again Iād feel like it was because I was out of her life. So to save me and my feelings I wanted her to drink because I was gone.... how messed up is that. I think them bitter thoughts sometimes
They are so good at emotionally manipulating you Iāve never experienced anything like this in my life. My heart goes out to people have had partners and members of their family who are alcoholics and lived with it for years.
I was just too soft hearted I think. I had no boundaries just sympathy and love and itās not enough. I wish I would have gone to al anon from the very beginning and maybe things would have been different.
Hi Carly, my AH told me I was his trigger too, I choose not to believe this as he was always quick to blame everyone else for his problems, a constant pity party for himself, his drinking AND drugs were always caused by someone else, me, the kids, his work colleagues, his upbringing.. always always someone else. I also took away all love and affection, I just switched off my humanity which made the situation worse, but what else could I do? Why should I and how could I show love to someone who treated me so bad. Our xmas was awful, I found some empty beer cans, he denied they were his, we had a huge row, as always my fault of course!! He has left says I am his trigger and he's not coming back. I said I would help him to pack. Now he accuses me of not caring about him and supporting him and to top it off accuses me of cheating (all because I show him no love).. see my fault again. The point is we are not the triggers, they are ill and do not see things like we do. Do not feel bad you cannot help who they are. I'm sure like me you have done the very best you can do for this person. Take care of yourself.
((CarlyH)) thank you for sharing and Im glad youre here. Youre lucky, Ive lived with the effects of alcoholism my whole life. I learned some toxic behaviors trying to survive in it. The most destructive thing I used to cope was to dwell in the past and project into the future. The constant chatter in my head eventually left me with zero energy to take care of myself. For many years I felt suicidal and homicidal all at the same time. We call this phenomenon our stinking thinking. I just didnt know any better back then and I was just doing the best I could and Ive forgiven myself. Alanon has taught me that I can live One Day at a Time and has given me a life thats more than I couldve ever dreamed it could be. The effects of alcoholism are still all around me. What changed was me. Alanon taught me that just for today I have the choice to tell the committee in my head to sit down and shut up. This has given me the space to focus on my needs and not the alcoholic thats doing God knows what and is none of my business anyway. Ive learned the only one Im responsible for is myself and that Im worth it. I recommend attending the online meetings here, I do and I get the gift of serenity every time :)
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- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
Thanks for replying guys. Means a lot
I know Iām lucky in some respects as Iāve gotten away from it early. I suppose when you plan and have a massive expectation of someone and it doesnāt come through itās just hard to deal with. Iām rubbish at dealing with hurt and pain. Iāll take one day at a time and I like the saying āstinking thinkingā a lot!
Iāve definitely been doing too much of that
Thanks š
Hugs Carly glad you are here .. I think one thing I realized big time was of nothing changes ... nothing changes .. one of the biggest helps to me was accepting I'm not the only one with choices .. this was after I discovered I had a choice. It never dawned on me that my ex had choices as well. 3 ways an A gets out.. recovery, body bag or incarcination .. mental or jail .. they may just go at a slower pace by cutting back enough to find a new enabler .. I'm guilty of knowing how to love someone to death. So yes .. I can change my behavior .. the people around me still have choices to respond/ react to those changes. It doesn't mean they respond the way I think they should. Keep coming back! :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Btw there are 4 c's in alateen the last one being I can contribute. So while the A drinking is so not on me .. I have to address my own behavior and when I was with my ex AH I was not even slightly sane at times. It was all him (let's get serious living with active addiction on a good day can be crazy making because it's utterly illogical). I totally had a part in allowing him to use me as an excuse. That was my biggest contribution to socialism as a disease. My thinking. Hugs s :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
