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Yesterday was a great day for me...Talked on phone w/my kids and other loved ones including my A brother
Apparently his bad arthritis is not so bad, originally he tells me docs want him on a rowing machine to help make him better, which was odd to me, and I also know that when he thinks he is in "deep doo doo" with me, he will exaggerate his symptoms to pull at my heartstrings...oh he is good at making minor aches and pains sound bad to get my sympathy.....Yesterday his "bad arthritis" magically changed from bad to his being in rather good shape, considering he is alcoholic....He did say he has one small spot on his liver, but actually hes in good shape considering his lifestyle......I never said anything and just listened...however I did sorta think "well maybe he DOES have arthritis to SOME degree as he sleeps in cold conditions, gypsy like life style and yea, drinking and aging added to that...yea, he could be dissipating.....glad that for now, its not so
THEN he tells me that he thought about stuff I said to him and so hes made changes: He is NOW "rationing" his booze to cut back....he takes his BIG bottle and pours it into Pints and allows himself a pint a day....he starts in am and has a "nip" then eats big meal...goes to work, etc., lunchtime, another good "nip" then big meal....he does this throughout the day and follows it up with a big meal...I do know that he eats like a bear and perhaps that big appetite is what is saving him for now....I just listened and said I was glad he was "cutting back" now how long will this last??? we shall see....but he sounded very good yesterday and very focused and determined on his "rationing".....I just now take him one day at a time...no expectations...Just enjoy the good conversations that we have and go with zero expectations of anymore than that...watching a loved one do his life this way is hard but I am getting way better at just stepping back...letting go of expectations...not taking any of this personal....being grateful that he is alive TODAY and no more fighting and resisting HIS disease....It is what it is....Don't depend on him for anything....Take what love he is capable of giving and say "thank you" for that...
ALL I asked of him was to be accountable to the folks who love him...BEFORE he goes MIA, send me a text...TELL me so I don't worry....CHECK IN with me and let me know he is ok....but even with that, I know he will fail to check in with me....yea, its easier to give esh to others with an alcoholic loved one but difficult to practice all the program when its (the addiction) is in MY court...
Reading and sharing here, the esh I read from others and my own esh is "sinking in" to me and I am practicing this for me....I am not living with him and would not consider it given his condition...He wants to visit in the Spring...Boundaries will be set, big time if that should happen...I have a "no drinking' rule in my house...No smoking as I am allergic as well....I am going to take care of me, yea, I love him bunches, but I am taking care of me, prioritizing MY welfare....
as to his "rationing" plan, I think it is to pacify me and its possible, not probable that he MIGHT be doing this...
I was very happy with my own responses from this........Loving detachment!!!! I had no desire to try and change him.....no more expectations of him doing beyond what he is able to do....I just enjoyed the conversation, the laughter we shared AS IT IS, not what I hoped/hope it could be...Basically I am accepting not fighting/resisting the situation....
I learned a lot about me during this conversation which I actually enjoyed....It is a good thing, we live in different states...that makes it easier to keep my loving distance...but if I were back there?? I would be exercising boundaries all the same, not allowing his lifestyle to permeate my own.....He is never the violent type when drinking..Never scary or threatening and I am grateful for that because that would be a different thing....the oldest one IS an abuser and IS creepy and scary and NOT in anyway, in my life....I don't put me in harm's way..I hardly mention this older one because I separated from him years ago when he first got violent with me...I called the police on him, had him taken to jail and got a restraint order against him...He has hated me since and even has said he wants me dead for going into recovery and "sharing the family dirt in public recovery forums"
I guess one has to respond on a case to case basis...If the A is dangerous by getting violent , it is clear I am not ever going to allow him/her near me and will do what I gotta do to protect me from them, but the gentle ones like this brother is a different case...I am not gonna toss the good out with the bad by dumping the whole human being...I can and will just disconnect from the dysfunctional drinker and enjoy the loving, funny, compassionate, caring, generous human being underneath all the alcohol...I see I am not so black and white anymore....I don't want to toss the whole person over this one issue with him......
Every day I show up here, I learn something new..A new way to view this...It all relates to how diligent and consistent I work my program....I will not marry into this ever again, but I can, with my brother, "get along with it" as long as I work my program--honestly, willingly, open, always with the desire to learn and improve MY thinking
He asked me to call him today and I will., after my nap...There is so much good in him and I choose to focus on that and not deny the "other part" of him but to accept it as it IS--Not what I wish for it to be---AS I take care of me ...
Rose, you sound wonderful!! Such a positive share on how well YOU are doing!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hey PnP and Betty....thank you for your encouragement....yea, he is a test...the youngest one is on the streets, MIA doing his drugs, no doubt...I totally had to cut him loose because of the perverted stuff he would say to me and other females..way too triggering...Its sad!! Really it is...Then the oldest one is violent abuser of women, dreadful person, to say the least...What a "wonderful" family we grew up in, but if I can drag my sick tail into recovery and TRY to be a better person, in a better place, then they can too...at least my favorite brother is kind and a decent human...If this keeps up, at some point, his body will quit due to the poison of alcohol and the grief for me will be immense but I am powerless to help him, to do anything but just accept his as is, love him while he is here and thats all...Both of my daughters love him and have no use for the 2 others..My nieces feel the same...I guess "R" is a good arguement that if one is an intrinsically decent, moral , loving/kind soul, not even the liquor can destroy that...
Thank you ladies for taking the time to support and encourage me...Its tough..My male best friend has an incurable addiction and hes honest!! he does not want to ever quit...cut back?? perhaps..Quit?? NO!!! He told me so!!! So it is what it is...He went on a few benders when Janie was dying and missed out on her ending weeks and days..He regrets that!! I told him that I can't help him with that as I had beseeched him to call her...He did not!! He was drunk!! I know he feels horrible about it, but that is something I must step back from and let him work through it on his own, if he chooses not to sober up and go to AA meets ..I am so glad program changed me the way it did..Janie and I "cleaned up" our past, we talked about ALL the major issues and we made our peace, at least 2 years before she died...I was "with her" as much as can be , my being in TX and unable to afford the expense of taking off work, and she being in CA, but I was THERE , on facetime (its a neat app on Iphones that you can video talk) and we chatted on "hangouts" another good video chat..towards the end, we chatted only verbally because she began to feel bad about her appearence....I sent her stuff that would give her joy..I uploaded all kinds of vids on her facebook re: her favorite racehorses...I miss her but I feel no regrets..no guilts..no remourse for unfinished business...We handled all that while she was alive...
I am the only one of her siblings who has her ashes...I have her ashes in a heart shaped necklace...I "take her out" of her blanket I have her in and I "hold her" in my palm and talk with her..I promised her while she was still alive that I would be the "other mom" to her girls and I am...We are all bonding very nicely..I told her girls, I cannot take Janie's place, but i can fill the space...so I am the "other mom" now and I cherish those girls because they are good kids and they are all I have left of my sister..."R" and his brothers are too into their drinking and drugging to see what they are missing out on, regarding any loving interactions between our girls and them!!!!! It is what it is and I am sooo grateful for this programme in that it showed me a new and good way of living...I mess up, but I do a step 10 and learn and once I understand the roots of it, I can move on and continue my work on me......
