The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Creating a crisis sounds like a deliberate premeditated act. An active drinker desperate to keep things ticking over to avoid any consequences may create crisis in an attempt to control the family and confuse the family.
The drinkers in my life created a crisis after crisis sometimes a couple running together just for the sheer excitement of it.
I look back on this and I'm not sure of the triggers but I believe they were created just at the point where I was getting really fed up with the drinking and maybe sensing this a crisis of some sort would be created. They came in many forms a dramatic fight with someone a battle of some sort with a neighbour or sometimes the police were involved. Often it was heartfelt and dramatic stories of childhood cruelty and abuse.
I don't really remember the specifics they were numerous 20 yrs worth. I do however remember the effect on me. I would get scared I would panic. I would feel deeply confused and uncomfortable and i would rush to get back to the previous state by fixing controlling smoothing over and then i was even grateful for the level of drinking that I was originally upset with in the first place. Ha.
Phew the relief when the crisis was over allowed the drinking to continue relatively undisturbed by me for quite a while. I was just glad the crisis was over in my new state of confusion mixed with wee bit of extra terror.
Don't get me wrong I fed my ego with these I mean look how I fixed it all. It was quite exciting living dangerously. I've heard it called excited misery.
Each and every crisis fixed me more firmly in denial because where is the truth under all this drama? No where I wanted to look. So along we sailed me and him for 20 yrs getting in and out of each worsening crisis after another. The really sad part was taking our 3 children along for the ride. They had no choice. Did I have a choice? Did he? I know neither of us had maturity or awareness of the power of this disease and it raged in our family very successfully for a long time. Until the final crisis. It was big enough to topple us and it got me into alanon and I've never looked back with same pair if eyes again. Um like a blind woman who has got new eyes. So very grateful for that.x
The now ex A made a lot of cris happen around the holidays. My problem was I wanted to take it all personally.
I also.wanted to be needed. In reality all the ex A needed was to get drunk stoned and whatever else he could get h8s hands on. I was collateral damage
{el-cee}-What an interesting post and one I relate to. What you said at the end though, is now you have new eyes thanks so alanon. I feel the same way. Sober A (dry drunk) can try and pull the same stuff but I stopped reacting with my drama and panic, and I believe it's helped to extinguish my spouse's former bad habits. New eyes-definate blessing from alanon. Thanks so much for this share, Lyne
el-cee, I too feel that this was an eye-opening post. I never really looked at what my life was. How each crisis was dealt with... b/c I was oh so good at dealing with them! It hasn't been until now, with real work with Al-Anon and AWARENESS of MY role in my marriage/life that I have actually seen what a crazy life I have lived since being married to my STBX!
And all I longed for was love, stability, and an equal partner in life. Upon examination, I never really got that.
"Excited misery." Never heard that term, but how appropriate.
Hugs to you, my friend... you are growing stronger in the ways of the Force each and every post I read!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I agree - what a great share and so grateful for the change in me that recovery has given....I recall how I always felt behind, hurried, reactive. Not only were their true chaos/crisis happening, my mind added additional 'what ifs' and 'when/then' drama. It was exhausting and I see now nothing close to living - more of an existence in crisis.
So grateful for the change and the tools that allow me to separate that which is mine and that which is not mine. Lovely awareness, share and ESH here!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((((El-ce)))))). That was a powerful post. One that I could really relate to about the being excited when in crisis and fixing one. The illusion that I had some sort of importance or power when I smoothed over yet another alcoholic caused crisis
I, too, am grateful for Al-Anon and the changed perception I have about what is healthy and what is not. Through the program I exercise my choice for serenity and peace and healthy people and let go of the rest. But it took a lot of recovery work for me to get to that place. Thank you for your very powerful and appreciated share
I choose to avoid or not over react to a crisis these days. One of my therap8st once said I could say no. I had no idea what she was talking about. For me it was working the al anon tools that changed my behavior. I couldn't abstractly see I had a choice. I felt it was a moral issue to help out. Now I know I have to be part of the morality. I don't need to be permanently exhausted all the time
Great post El-cee - it helps to remember these actions or situations as I move forward with the holidays and my AH & kiddos. Into my mental toolbox...Thanks!
OMG, Maresie, I so relate to your posts, I thought the SAME THING!!! that I had zero choice...that it was a moral issue to help out, LOL...omg..Imagine my joy when I learned how to use the word "NO" and NOT have to Justify it or argue about it or defend my right to take care of me or explain a damned thing!!!! Yep, my friend "NO" was my ticket out of jail.....
Awesome post el-cee! I think I have some of the same "excited misery" feelings... Along with the "hero" complex! He gets too drunk to function, I can save him! UGH. Thank you for sharing and helping open (and re-open) eyes!
For me the issue was that so few people helped me when I was a child. What I now realize was it was not that they were indifferent they had limitations
My family issues were intimidating to others. In addition my mother in particular was incredibly manipulative
For me personally helping is now about limits. I live in man area with rapid gentrification. I have known for a long time that will affect a lot of people. The issue certainly affected me.
In the past I would have made it my prime mission to help others in the situation. I know for me it was about that I didn't feel I was entitled to what I had. My whole self worth was tied up in relation to others. I didn't feel I was entitled to anything unless I shared with others. Unfortunately for me I chose the wrong people to #help# The now ex A had no issues about Christmas. The only goal for him at Christmas was to get wasted. Everything else came behind that.
My.holudays are pretty simple these days they are not f9cused on making other people happy. They also are not focused on.
Comparing myself to others. I know that I cannot really know what others lives are.
Last year at this time my friend who I thought had the #perfect# life killed himself. I certainly threw my life away in.so many ways when I was around N alcoholic. The number of times I.sat in a car with someone who was drunk. The number of times I put my #all# into a relationship I knew absolutely was ridiculous. The number of times I.set myself up to #fail# I valued very little about myself even when I put on a great show that I was a #devoted# emplpyee/wife/friend/neighbor.
My friend threw h8s life away in a moment of despair. I have had plenty of those when I didn't feel my life was worth living
I don't have presents galore around The tree but I do have faith hope and love for myself. Those are very new to me and I never believed I would get there. I felt
I just wanted to say I really suddenly clicked with this creating a crisis idea. I now live in a different country from my parents. My dad who is an active heavy drinker occasionally sends me emails (I suspect he sends them while drunk) to create a crisis. One time he spontaneously sent me an SMS saying he never wants to speak to me again because he suspected I was ignoring his girlfriend. Another time he emailed me to reveal my mother had been unfaithful 30 years ago and CC'd her in! (that is before i was born?!) It was so confusing. But I now see that it was an attempt to regain control of the family dynamic - long distance style. Seeing it in this perspective shows me the right way to respond to this, which is not play into his crisis mentality and start phoning eveyone and checking their okay. I can just wait til it blows over - usually he never mentions these emails again and carries on like usual.
Thank you all for the shares and the great information.
