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Short version
Active alcoholic manipulated a situation to get his way and make me look like a b if I said anything. I'm having a really hard time letting this go. Looking for some words of wisdom.
Long version
Went out for my (a) husbands birthday with his parents. I left the table for a minute and when I came back they were talking about what time they would come over Christmas morning and how we would distract the kids from opening gifts until they got there. We went through this last year and my husband knew 100% that I wanted it to be just us for Christmas morning. Later in the car I told him I didn't like that she invited herself the minute I was gone, how rude it was, and that it was intrusive. He just said I needed to get over it and be ok with it because she really wanted to be there. When we got to her house I took a short walk to gather my thoughts. When I got back it was tense. I asked her to talk privately and she said my husband told her tha I didn't want her there. We kept taking, turned out she didn't really want to get up and drive out to our house so early because she's hosting Christmas dinner and didn't have time, but felt pressured by him to go. So I am feeling a lot of anger and I'm hurt because he lied and manipulated both me and his mom to get his way. This was night before last. He hasn't really said anything to me since. I think it's because he knows we know that he was being manipulative and doesn't know how to avoid the argument. I don't know if I should let this go or talk it out with him. He was drinking when this all went down. Words of wisdom? Anybody been in a situation like this? What did you do?
Hi C This exchange sounds exactly like the insanity generated by the disease of alcoholism. It appears that everyone is tying to please others and no one is honestly communicating what they want or need. i would learn the lessons from this interchange be grateful that you had the courage to address this topic with his mom and let it go. Remembering that we are powerless over others (First Step) I would simply tell hubby that you and his mom had a great talk and she understand and is happy not to have to come over and you are happy as well.
When I found AlAnon, I thought my qualifier was the source of my pain and loss of serenity. I was exhausted from trying to correct the behavior, statements and expressed thoughts of my qualifier that I felt needed to be addressed. It was a losing battle that I continued into my own insanity, with no apparent improvement to my qualifier.
AlAnon helped me step back, take a break from focusing on my qualifier, and look at my own behavior. I found that using the Serenity Prayer, slogans, and daily readings helps me regain my serenity by making small adjustments in my thinking and behavior rather than wrestling with my qualifier's...it is like magic, but predictable and reliably attainable.
I found that addressing my qualifier about the disease, especially about what they did while drinking or while drinking, usually ended very poorly. Focusing on adjusting my thoughts and actions with program tools brought me closer to serenity every time without fail.
Hang in there, keep coming back
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
I too had to find my way to change through the suggestions of recovery. That serenity prayer we say often had a whole new meaning when I arrived - coming to accept and understand that I was powerless over other people, places and things yet could seek courage to change me. It is maddening when we are 'there' - only through changing my focus and practicing this program did I find relief....slowly and one day at a time.
There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
