Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

SoggySlippers · Veteran Member

Forgiveness

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

SoggySlippers, I also struggled with the idea of forgiveness in the beginning. Somehow my anger at what "he" had done to "me"-- my lack of forgiveness -- felt good. I even extended that thought to people I heard in meetings, when they shared that they had forgiven their qualifiers, I thought angrily, "how could they forgive... after what those people did to them"?

One day I read a quote online, and I wish I remembered the original source, that turned my thinking around. The quote was, "Forgiveness is releasing someone from a debt they can never repay." It made me understand that by releasing them, I am also releasing myself. I still repeat that quote to myself now and then, when I start ruminating on the past.

As my sponsor reminded me, be gentle with yourself. Change takes time.

luv123 · Senior Member

What a wonderful honest share---I so appreciate reading it. You have many many insights from your Al-anon work that came out in it.

My take on it: sometimes it just takes time for our heart to catch up with our head and in Al-anon we learn that our process is ok--it takes what it takes. I am reminded about how I used to confuse forgiveness & unconditional love with being super close, or either accepting unacceptable behavior or having no boundaries / standards. It was through reading, listening and lots of step work that I began to realize that forgiveness didn't mean those things. I could still have my feelings and learn to say things like "I love u but (or and...)it is gonna take me time to trust again. This really hurt me" I needed to have a place separate from my A's to grieve the fact that life with them will not have much certainty (then also -as time went on- I had to accept that life in general has very little certainty, as well ). I can usually only accept that with HP's help and just one day at a time.

I needed to and still need to grieve and journal and cry with the right people cuz I just DID NOT want to accept that for a long time and still have moments where I am like "no way--I life just should NOT be this hard". My adult child stuff also can come up with triggers like this around abandonment and also anger at the past gets triggered.and that is mine to deal with it doesn't belong to them. Journaling, reading, listening & sharing REALLY helped me sort that out. I sometimes have had to throw out -or secret code -my journals for personal safety reasons but that was ok cuz I rarely ever needed to go back to re-read once an insight came through writing. Asking my Higher Power (step 11) to show me how to view this and show me how He wants me to heal this is helpful too cuz once I ask that my mind becomes open to what ppl share & an inner knowing kind of happens pretty often that may feel like "oh there's the answer" Readings on Detachment help me so much as well.

Keep up the great recovery work and participation u are doing because I need to write this stuff to re-hear what I have been taught over and over again so it really sinks in when needed.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Great topic and good for you sharing your journey and it's looking so very hopeful when your looking honestly and searching out the truth. I think it's ok to not be ready to forgive yet. Yet being the important word. When I got forgiveness it belonged to me Had absolutely nothing to do with the person's behaviour. It was my gift and wow it was one of the best ever. Lots of freedom in forgiveness. Maybe if this is a journey there are other things you can change today. It might be the anger and grudges are where your at. Sometimes it just takes time working through the anger and fear. Writing it out talking it over letting it out although not with the drinker. They are in enough pain and guilt. Your self esteem can be badly effected by your own unacceptable behaviour and so grudges and anger shown outwardly will hurt you. I do believe ita good to acknowledge these feelings and accept them rather than ignore them but I think it's important to express them safely woth an alanon person who can understand. Trying to get through to the drinker is like looking for bread in a toy shop or something along those lines.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Great awareness SS I found that I first had to learn to forgive myself before I could forgive others. You program is impressive . Thanks for sharing the joruney.

SoggySlippers · Veteran Member

Thanks for all the replies,there's much food for thought in each of them and I appreciate it.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree Soggy ...that is impressive and a good teaching skill...it is wide and deep. Be easy on yourself in this process not making it too hard on yourself. You are getting it.

I appreciate the tag that Freetime added. ((((hugs))) smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

We have a MIP member who used to post here often and she had a great quote in her signature - "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

This helped me greatly understand that forgiveness is not about anyone but self. It allows me to move forward, live life, set aside fears and be present. I too struggled greatly with forgiveness in the beginning. I felt very justified (ego) in my anger towards others who had harmed me. I did not ever allow anyone off the 'hook' because they have a disease. I was a black/white thinker and certainly had no problem (pride) in telling others right from wrong.

If I truly wanted to change and be free from the bondage of this disease, I truly had no choice but to forgive myself and others. Focusing on what others do/did, say/said, think, etc. just kept me stuck in every way. Instead, replacing those obsessions with healthier choices brought me to a different level of awareness.

Forgiveness does not change anything for anyone else - it just gives me freedom to love more, live more, learn more and continue growing. Great topic and I fully understand where you are. Keep processing and answers that work best for you will come! Trust the program and the process!

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
*****************************************************************
With my history, this (I've seen this before or heard it in meeting, forgot but I do remember this quote) and yea, with my history, I struggled trying to forgive my offender and I just could NOT....CAN NOT to this day...Some evil is just not forgivable, but I HAD to release ME from HIM!! so how do I do that??? the above statement....I hold him accountable and responsible for my injuries , some of which I will never completely recover, but I MUST and DID forgive me for being too small, too powerless, too young, too alone to fight him off me/defend me.....for a long time my hate and my resentment DID destroy my good heart...

Until I decided one day to just "cast it off me" all the hate and resentment for him and his enabling wife, I hated them both sooo bad it hurt ME, never them, in life they didn't care and now they are dead and gone to their (whatever karma they must face) so it didnt' make sense, carrying them in my head anymore, letting them ruin my life anymore.....I never forgave THEM but I have forgiven ME for being so young and vulnerable and innocent and powerless and who is most important??? ME...NOT them....I did it for me...I just kept "casting away" the hate and resentment till I felt it lessen....I am getting my heart back to ME where it belongs.....But let me say THIS!!! It took a LOT of venting, cussing them out in meets, etc., LOADS of anger release, tears, grief, LOADS of just plain ole grieving like I never felt before to get to the place where I was half "ready" to finally shove them and their evil in a giant hefty trash bag and let it go.....

I had to FEEL all the feelings for a looong time to get to the place of being ready and willing and desiring to cast away the hate, resentment...the deeper the hurt?? the deeper the recovery time and trust me, it took a few YEARS for me to get to where I am at now....

i dont really like the word forgiveness for some crimes, so I replace it AS NEEDED with the words, giving up the hate and resentment and revenge and giving them over to karma....it has helped me big time, revising the verbage to fit my needs, but the end is the same...more peace for me....and a heart that is healing....AND forgiveness does NOT mean you "gotta have them in your life, ever again or honor their memory" it only means you cut them and their acts loose from you or you cut the act loose from you if you keep them in your life and you just let the universe school give them the lessons they need......this is what has worked for me....deliberate rotten acts, I just would rather walk away and not give them a 2nd chance....honest human weakness/mistakes, IF they make amends?? no worries, I can at the very least forgive them and many times keep the relationship...of course it is a case to case situation, but yea, keeping my heart free of the cancer of hate/resentment is a MUST..........I hope this post made sense...My stomache is cussing me out from lack of my bedtime snack..........

Cheers everyone!!! LOVE the posts.....and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Its 12:04 am, Monday for me right now............

-- Edited by mamalioness on Monday 25th of December 2017 01:10:38 AM

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Merry Christmas Soggy! I hope you are experiencing peace today.

I loved your post. I read and re-read it several times to let your ESH sink in for me. I am no longer living with my AH, so my experience is a little different... but I too am struggling with forgiveness.

I have moved through the Acceptance phase. I accept that he has a disease, and I accept that my decision to divorce is the right one for me (and probably him too). And I am aware that I need to forgive him at some point... and superficially I have. But when faced with seeing him, or as I do my 4th step, I can see that I have not truly embraced forgiveness. I just hate all the wasted years, and all the lies. So many lies. The saying of "How do you know when an addict/alcoholic is lying - their lips are moving" - that was my spouse to a "T."

But reading everyone's ESH on your topic helps to remind me that I don't have to automatically forgive... it is a process. And everyone's process is different. Everyone's timing is different. The essential thing is to keep working on yourself, so that the goal is to be able to forgive... perhaps just to move yourself forward and keep yourself from getting stuck.

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

This was so important for me to read today.

It helps me to understand that the forgiveness is not for my spouse. I have seen that I have some fear about "letting" him back into my heart and getting burned again if I begin to show forgiveness. That quote alone helps me to understand that the forgiveness helps ME to move forward in all ways.

Enlightening. Thank you.

Steph79 · Veteran Member

I really needed this topic! My ABF "ruined" Christmas the other day by being drunk, etc. Long story - no injuries, etc. but let's just say it sucked for us. He apologized to me and I was able to forgive him for that specific thing. He spent all day yesterday in bed feeling bad (guilty, etc.) and I felt sorry for him. Then I was able to say "You apologized and I forgive you. I love you. That cannot happen again and we do need to make some changes. That's all i have to say." He didn't respond. I'm almost ready to let him go if he won't get help or stop drinking around us... There are many ways to forgive, I'm realizing more as I read all these posts. I'm not used to being strong, setting and keeping boundaries, or sharing anything that may make me vulnerable... This is all new for me - and scary. But not as scary as living this same way forever. Thank you for helping newbies like me!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene