The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Hello everyone! Hope you all are well. I've been unemployed now for a month and I have finally gotten a chance to slow down, read, journal more, get back into my steps, and work on some self reflection. I've come to realize that I was doing a lot of projecting in my relationship. I got very good at pointing the finger at my partner. I was always good at that, honestly, because I was married to an alcoholic for so long and pointing the finger was easy. I also found it easier to look at someone else's flaws and not look at my own, even though I know I have them and am aware of some of them. I mean, come on, my XAH's flaws were so glaringly obvious that I found it so dang easy to focus on them!
Anyway, I realized how unfair I was being to my partner. He is a good man, albeit a very private person and reserved and not very good at verbal validation or words of affirmation. I was constantly looking to him to fill needs that I knew he wasn't capable of filling and I was probably unfairly asking him to meet ALL my needs and that is just way too much for one person to ask of another. I was empty and was doing exactly what many addicts do: I was trying to use something (my relationship) to fill my emptiness.
I am so grateful for the lessons I'm learning. I have a man in my life who will rub my back when I ask him to and not ever turn me down. He is respectful, he wants what's best for me, he supports me and my goals and dreams, he plans for our future, he takes my hand in his often and whenever I need a hug he puts his phone down and opens up his arms for me and lets me rest. He forgives immediately and doesn't carry around grudges against me. I could go on......
What I'm processing now is the fact that I am not the stellar partner I think I am sometimes nor is he (and he openly admits to it, while I probably don't). I can be mean sometimes, and not even realize it. I can be passive aggressive and sometimes I can try manipulative tools to try to get my way or get someone else to see my side. I can be moody. I sometimes have a short fuse, as does he. I think what I'm getting at here, while I work my step 4 again, is that I've been pointing my finger at him forgetting that there are 3 fingers pointing back at ME.
As for our financial issues and how I felt he was using my money towards his goals.....well, I realized, once again, that I got all riled up BEFORE I actually spoke to him about it. Once I open up conversation with him, I see that he is willing to hear me out and reflect and we were able to come to a mutual decision that works for us both. My big problem is that I don't want to talk about touchy subjects because I fear rejection, abandonment, and I fear just plain old being told I'm wrong. But, once I decide to actually TALK to the man, I came to see that I was a big part of the problem. Years of dysfunction with an alcoholic will do that to you.
I also came to see that I would complain about my bf to my friends, mostly single women in Al Anon and many of them said they'd never be able to be with someone like my guy. They needed someone who could express themselves better, someone who would praise them daily, and someone who would shower them with love and affection and attention. What I wasn't really thinking about was: What am I OK with??? My mom's husband is a guy that no one else could probably put up with, for various reasons.....but she loves that man and treats him like gold. I am happy for her and they've been together for 25 years now. So, just because my friends wouldn't be OK with my guy, doesn't mean I have to be in their camp. I knew who he was by date number 2, I could see these things about him, and now 2.5 years later I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that it's OK for me to be OK with him because God has given him to me for various reasons for whatever time we have together: whether it be 1 more year, 5 years, or until death parts us.
Alcoholism did a number on me but I see that my biggest problem is FEAR. Every action/reaction/response I have is because of fear. That's my baseline emotion. My XAH used to say that my baseline was anger. No, it was all fear and I just never did a good job of expressing it or being honest with myself in how that fear was manifesting itself in my life. I hope that I can continue to grow through program and in life. My partner is a blessing and while some may think he's a pompous jerk (which he can be at times, but I can be a catty b*tch at times, too), I see him differently. He's had his own battles to fight, his family is full of alcoholics as is mine, and we're just two broken people trying to work together as best as we can. He's way more honest about his brokenness than I am, truthfully. I'm still learning and it's all about progress, not perfection!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(Andromeda)) Great 4th and 5th Step on your relationship and the negative tools you find yourself implementing. I see great clarity, honesty and love in these observations and urge you to be gentle with yourself and your partner and trust the process you are doing fine.
I read your post Andromeda and am reminded of my former sponsors voice and question after I inventoried...When I felt I was done he would ask me, "Now what"...meaning what was I going to do next that would opposed the defects I was using. He told me 30 and more years ago, "When you find that you have done the wrong thing it is your responsibility to go back and correct it". He kept me responsible and honest just as your are doing now. Good work. (((hugs)))
((andromeda)) thank you for sharing your growth here and all your inspiration. I hear so much respect for self and others in your words. I remember feeling everything but fearless the first time I took my 4th step, it was uncomfortable and I was so unsure of what or who I was going to become. Today I know the relief and burden that is lifted when I truly get to know myself and I feel the steps are a safe and loving way to do so. Sending tons of love your way!
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- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
Very powerful share. Wonderful insight into who you are! Inspirational to me.
Thank you.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
You've reminded me of something I love about this program ... we may not all be perfect, but we are working on it. That's something many people don't do, and we can humbly give ourselves credit for that.
(((Andromeda))) - powerful awareness and truthful share. Good on you sweetie - good on you!!! You are growing and changing again - look for the miracles!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good work. I know this has been ruminating a while. Somehow I am blessed with a spouse I truly don't want to change in any way. Amazing....
Work on the other hand...Been complaining, acting up, tossing my serenity away. Most people also say they could not do my job. Doesn't matter. It hit me square in the face last week that it's ME that has been the problem all along. Duh. So I did a 4th step over just about me and my attitudes about work. Now...the hard part...changing...
I could have written this. I can totally relate. My distorted thinking runs riot in this relationship and always has really. I keep writing it out and it keeps coming back and Im wondering if like Jerry says I am doing the step 4 and 5 but not going any further with each defect that ive identified so it recurs over and over again. I am realistic, its doubtful they can all go at once but I would really like to get rid of the fear that is also my conditioned response.
Alcoholism has so done a number on me too and I can also claim each and every defect you have listed. They play havoc on me at times and other times I can recognise them and work through them but they return.
I spent some time writing out each defective thought and then beside it wrote out the facts and the reality and there is a huge difference. For example, If my bf doesn't message me for a while my head begins with oh well hes busy, then hes too busy for me, im bottom of his priorities, hes totally taking me for a fool, he is seeing other people behind my back, hes laughing at me knowing i'm waiting on his reply, hes using me. On and on. Then if these thoughts roll then I have a full blown resentment based on fantasy and my behaviour becomes passive aggressive so I distance myself, go a bit colder, tell myself I dont need him or want him particularly, the whole things not that great anyway then I dig out my collection of reasons to not care one way or another.
This is my disease and its not only with my relationship but mostly is. It is fear based, like you. I want it gone forever but it seems so deep rooted. Ive got serious trust and abandonment issues, some underlying beliefs that I cant or wont look at right now. I suspect its linked with my self belief or self worth.
The good news for us is we have this progrma of recovery and we have tools to work on this and get that daily reprieve it offers. I know praying for my bf works, listing out his good qualities in a gratitude list. Accepting his flaws are none of my business really I didnt cause them etc. Talking with my sponsor and that one really helps, just saying to her look what do you think of my thinking on this one?
I know the disease of alcoholism runs through me and taints each and every thought, its always there. I know this and so taking the time to either let the crazy time pass, v difficult and painful for me or to pick up the tools and work through it remembering over and over that my mind has default crazy mode and so take the time to look for the rational thought and never behave on the crazy thinking.
Thanks for your post, pretty inspirational to me and your definitely not alone.x
I forgot the most important help. Talking it over with my higher power, trusting that i am right where i should be and everything is unfolding just as it should and if there is something going on in the background my higher power will ensure that information is available to me in perfect time. Im learning so many lessons about myself in this relationship, its challenging me to trust and let go and let God.
Yes, El Cee.....I had been forgetting what my first sponsor in Al Anon used to say, "Bring God into it!" Whenever I had something going on, she always spoke those words to me, no matter the person or situation. I was going to meetings, calling my sponsor, etc but I wasn't in prayer enough and I was neglecting my journaling and my gratitude journal as well. I've listened to my friends and their relationship complaints and I'm realizing that no relationship is trouble free and I've also realized that I couldn't live with THEIR partners, either, just as they probably wouldn't want to deal with mine, lol.
I was just seeing every negative interaction as a RELATIONSHIP KILLER! I couldn't see past the disputes we had and I kept making them bigger than they were. We'd have a disagreement about something totally simple and I'd figure he'd be kicking me out in the street the next day. Instead, he'd wake up and ask me what I wanted for breakfast......and that totally got me confused. I am so conditioned to be used to high drama and I still can't wrap my head around the fact that my partner doesn't place much weight on our little differences. He sees the bigger picture and plans for the future, while I'm still stuck in the past to some degree. And, all of it was killing my serenity.
This AM I moved to the couch at around 4 AM because my man was snoring. He woke up at 6 and came to gently sit next to me and stroked my arm and asked me if he was snoring and apologized for waking me and he promised to take his allergy meds today. He then kissed my forehead and gave me a hug before getting ready for work. Is he always this kind and considerate? NOPE. Am I? NOPE. But, I'm learning to start looking at the good things and focusing on gratitude instead of complaining about my needs that aren't being met, because I'm seeing now that it's all perspective. And, that maybe, just maybe, I need to let some things go and just enjoy life as it is instead of creating drama with the space between my ears. Because, in my heart I know I love the man and I love the life we are building. My head likes to make up all kinds of problems and overthinking is becoming the death of my serenity!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Again (((andromeda))) - good on you! I see tons of program in your post as well as trust in the process, HP and the program. You got this! You know I am in your corner.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can totally relate I was complaining about my man to my friend whenever we had a disagreement and she never heard any of the good things, which after what I went through with the exAH I wouldnt be with him if he wasnt a great man. So she would hold things against him and I had to tell her about all the great things he is and does, he spoils me and my children and is a stand up guy. Its hard to get the whole picture when all we do is vent and not voice the majority of the time when things are good. I am learning to share the good with the bad, but even more so learning to sit on the bad feelings and let them pass before I berate anyone too much. I can be moody and I have been triggered more easily lately and then blame him for it which isnt fair so hitting my step Work is key around the holidays for me. I always come here when I get spinning and am always glad to remember this program is for life and we are all in this together. Glad to read your share and see you doing the work still!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
