The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im new here. My therapist has suggested I find a meeting for support but Ive been putting it off. I guess, until recently, I wasnt ready to face the truth. What Im reading on here is very scary. It seems like there is no hope.
Little about me: I met my husband at 16 and married him at 18. Im 32 now and have two small kids.
Im learning now that my husbands addiction issues have always been present. They just started in somewhat harmless areas. I dont really know how to categorize his addiction. It seems like it constantly changes to whatever makes him feel good such as shopping, writing, and video games. Then he became depressed because all those areas started to affect his marriage. Slowly, alcohol became a factor. To this day, he doesnt think he has a problem with alcohol. He said hes just depressed. I dont know about this. I dont think the average person gets mad at their partner and binge drinks on new medicine. He verbally assaulted me in a car while I was driving until I pulled over and started to call the police. He says he doesnt remember this.
This is when I demanded therapy. He refused to do AA because he is a hardcore atheist. You dont need to say it. I know its an excuse because he has failed to do any other program.For two months, he did start to make emotional improvements. He started opening up to me about his struggles but failed to follow through on most of his promise.
The two weeks ago he started to withdraw from me again, I tensed and nagged. He pulled further away and his addiction turned to his work. I helped build his company and its success is something I want, but Im not fooled that has become a new vice. My one requirement is that he make time for a one-half hour phone call a night to check in on us. He fails every day. I get why. His personal life is falling apart and he doesnt want to be reminded of that when everyone around him is telling him how brilliant he is. His job means he is visiting bars and restaurant until 2 am or later.Clearly this is not a healthy environment and he wont do anything about it.
A job opportunity has come up and it would take him away from his family constantly for five years. He didnt think twice. He didnt feel the need to consult us or worry about how it will impact us. He asked for a separation as he says its the kindest thing for me. Im not sure its the wrong path, but Im essentially losing my husband and job over this. My kids are losing their father.
I dont know what Im asking for. Maybe just some stories? I just need comfort knowing that Im not alone. From reading other's stories, it seems like there is no hope. I'm starting to think that the "detach" and "acceptance" pieces will have to be my new goal.
Welcome Lostbutterfly There is hope and help. Glad that you found us an had the courage to reach out. Alcoholism is a chronic disease over which we are powerless. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Receiving support from like minded members helped to restore my sense of self, provided new tools to live by and a safe place to reconnect. I urge you to attend and to keep coming back here as well
The ex A who I.was with was once actively looking.for work overseas. He didn't consult me about that. I.imagine he thought I would sit and wait for him. The job didn't happen
Alcoholism can coexist with other #adfictions#
Process addictions can certainly be deadly too.
Al.anon.can certainly help but you have to g8ve it a shot. That is the problem you have to trust it is goingb to help. That is help.whatever happoens
I used to take whatever people said or did to me very personally. I would obsess for years a out it. That obsession has gone. When people fail me I am much more resilient around it. I was practically suicidal before
I hope you give al anon.a chance. They have meetings here. There is ak ways the chat room here too.
I agree with hotrod...and I say welcome too!! and FYI, there ARE atheists in AA and in Al-anon...i see them using nature or the universe or whatever for their Higher Power...yea, the emphasis on God gets a bit heavy for me, too, but if he reeeeeely wants help??? that won't discourage him..I am kinda agnostic about any OUTside diety working in my life, but I know I have my inner Higher Power..Your hubs can use anything he wants for a Higher Power...for years and still is, the program is probably my biggest higher power.........I am glad you showed up here...That shows me you want to help yourself and that is the only person you can help...I used to "switch addictions" myself when first here....shopping thrift shops, then control addict, well, always control addict, but toss in shopping the thrift shops, youtubing movies excessivly, binging on chocolate (still battle with that one but gaining) so yea, its a futile way of filling an empty hole in me that only program and self discovery and self help through program is gonna help.....you can't help him..but you can help you...as hotrod told you, we are powerless over all things but our own thinking/behaving....try to find some meetings around you so you can interface with others and latch onto a sponsor or recovery mate to guide you through the 12 steps...I went online and got TONS of stuff on the steps and I work the workbooks and they are great...just google around and you will find a ton of 12 steps questionairs that will help you find you...to help you......I found me when I got into Al-anon .....take care
-- Edited by mamalioness on Friday 15th of December 2017 10:44:10 PM
Lostbutterfly - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. So sorry for the state of addiction in your family - it is progressive and larger than the one who's directly affected. I am glad that you are seeking help and that you are willing to explore recovery. I also understand putting off going to a meeting - it's one thing to 'see' the disease in action, it's quite frightening to 'admit' it - or it was for me.
There is always hope in recovery. You are welcome to attend Al-Anon no matter if he is/is not in any active recovery. It's for family and friends who've been affected by the disease and I am reasonably convinced that all who love or live with an A are affected.
We each work the program as we need for our situation. No situation is hopeless and the program pulled me back/out of extreme fear, anxiety and dread for the life I was in. It does work when we work it and you are not alone. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome to MIP - just wanted to say that my husband also has depression and a lot of process addiction issues - he seems to have a talent for turning nearly anything into an addictive process!
There is definitely help through Al Anon. I have been coming here regularly for a few weeks now (and talking to Al Anon people in my area) and even in that short time I have been able to shift some things and start putting the focus on me which is an amazing start.
I hope you keep coming back and wishing you all the best in your difficult situation. ((HUG))
