Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Needing ESH on this topic

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

I also thought of something else that I haven't had to in awhile.

I feel that if I see him doing well that I will get really angry at this whole thing. I have been too busy trying to get my life and my son's senior year in order to feel much anger about this... I mean, I struggled at first, but I found the means to let it go. And our lives have been so much more peaceful without the AH here.

But when faced with my STBX, I feel like all the sadness, resentments and anger will come washing back. In all honesty, that scares me a little.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I really just suggest you Pause, Pray and Proceed, .. I go back to you will know when you know. If you truly don't want to face your STBX, don't go, I think having your son go is a good thing. Let them keep it about the two of them and go from there. There is no requirement that you go especially if you truly feel it is not a good time for YOU. YOU get to make it about YOU and there is nothing wrong with that. I vote dump the guilt in terms of not going. Check your motives as always and just make sure that you are available to be open to whatever your HP has planned.

My experience is it's kind of like birth and dying (getting ill) .. there are no good times to serve someone with court paperwork.

My daughter was served the day after Christmas to testify against her father when she was 13. Yes .. it sucked and I was furious that he allowed it to go that far .. however that was completely on him. She did deal with it and moved on.

Right now he's exactly where he needs to be to be supported and cared for, I would think better now than waiting for him to be released, however that's me and that's not necessarily the right thing.

Big hugs, there are no easy answers in these situations at times there is only what is right for you.

S :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I learned to ask my self the question "Could you be wrong"? when doing all the second guessing and future telling and the like. Stop...go...stop...go, the practice of insanity and so very much of the fortune telling I would do never came about as I feared and then the AFG came up with "What other people think of you is...NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS". Gosh I use to work for NASA and that was real rocket science thinking. This is not a perfect program and we are not perfect members...we learn to do the best we can with what we have and let God have the rest. Try meditating on that one and see how it comes out for you. (((hugs))) confuse

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you serenity for your ESH. Something I think I did not make clear in my post, I have had this litter for a week and a half now. Each night I have prayed upon it and asked my HP for the right answer So far I think it has eluded me. So I have paused and prayed. But I do get your point about it being about me that perhaps I need to do whatâs best for me... and if I say going and seeing him itâs going to cost me to stress thereâs nothing that says I have to go. It shouldnât matter what other people think. You are right about my son does on his own that way the visit can be all about them to without any charged emotions from me or my recovering husband I appreciating you posting your thoughts on this

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry thank you for your input on this as well ! I have to admit it does play into my codependency nature trying to direct the future But in learning about myself I have noticed that in my past all I do is to try please others so a lot of times I have a strong emotion of what other people think of me and it does hold me back from making the best decisions for myself. I have prayed & meditated on it, & still feel at odds. Perhaps the bottom line is I have to stop pleasing others and I have to do whatâs best for me regardless of how it will affect the emotions of my loved ones ?

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((PnP))) - I am one who takes my time in making decisions/choices. Yet, once I feel compelled to move forward, I no longer second guess myself. I can say that there are times I did go visit for rehab family time and then there are times I did not go. It really was dependent on my own spiritual condition for that day/moment. I always went if I committed that I would be there but still learned to just say what I felt - I am nervous, uncomfortable, unsure that being here is good for my sanity.

There was a huge part of me (ego) that didn't want my sons to 'see me' human - scared, uncertain, sad, etc. I had the distorted idea in my brain from long ago that I always needed to be the bigger person and always take the high road and yada....you get it. I really prayed long and hard for God's will in my life and a squashing of my own ego. I really have had to work on accepting that I am totally perfect as an imperfect person and I am not responsible for the emotional well-being of anyone but me.

Say what you mean/need, mean what you say and don't say it mean.....these few words helped me often. Trust the program and the process - you got this!!

2HP · Senior Member

To me, you seem to be expressing doubt... about when to have papers served.

I was always told when in doubt, dont and it has served me well because hunches or intuition is higher power.

our slogan THINK reminds me to please the higher power with my behavior.

is it thoughtful?

honest?

important? (like important to hurry before christmas?)

necessary?

and is my behavior kind?

in support (((hugs)))

2HP · Senior Member

forgot to mention.... i applaud your courage!!!!!!!!

and wish you all good things in moving forward (((big hugs)))

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with what Serenity wrote....Pause.....Breath.....connect w/your HP and then go.....You will know when you need to know...If the thought of facing him makes you that anxious, then DONT" go...its that simple when ya think about it...but hard on the emotions, I know, son going is a good thing IF HE WANTS to go...He may be hurting too and needing time out, let the kid decide.....and , my friend, you work your program and practice making your life about YOU and YOUR welfare, whats best for you......and, I dont' think there is any "real good" time to serve someone...I had my X served and didnt' even inquire as to the when...I just proceeded with divorce...we didnt' have kids together, no property together as I did not want to be tied to him, from the gitgo so divorce was easy peasy....with AH#2, the house was in my name so we had no worries about property settlements.....if you don't want to go see him, then DONT...dont let guilt , undeserved guilt, cause you to be the victim again by doing something you don't want to do..Haven't you done enough stuff that you really didn't want to do???? Time for declaration of independence by working diligent program, steps, work with sponsor...keep your one day at a time sane and program oriented.....if you can get quiet, your inner HP will guide you as to what your REAL life chart has for you.....

You have a LOT of guts..I know you can do this...You're almost there (being free) the hard part, (making the decision and following through) is done...yea, road ahead will be lots of change and learning, but think how peaceful your life will be w/out all the insanity of the drinking....

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you, IAH... I have decided to write my RAH a letter rather than see him... it would be what is best for ME. I thought about it, and it is the right thing for me to do. I will practice saying what I mean, and not saying it mean in my letter.

Mamalioness - thank you for your ESH!!! It really helped me to realize that I need to be true to what I NEED, not perhaps what my RAH may want. I have had so much anxiety about how to react, it would be best to not go. I will just say that it would be too emotional for me at this time... which is 100% the truth! What you said... "don't let guilt cause you to be the victim again..." THAT really struck a chord with me. So I am embracing that.

Thank you, 2HP for your insight as well. I forget about that slogan, "THINK." This course of action may not be the most thoughtful (for him), but it is certainly HONEST, and it is NECESSARY for my well being right now. Not to mention waiting would mean that I am trying to exert MY WILL... again. So trying to do better with that!

As it turned out, the sheriff's office (who are going to serve the petition) said that I will get a result no sooner than 2 weeks... so I still don't have control over when he will be served. What I DO have control of is getting this item off my "to do" list.

BTW, on a kind of off-track rant - I absolutely think that CA auto insurers are taking advantage of people who are entering divorce. Once they hear you aren't married anymore, they jack up your rates! Personally, I think that is price-gouging! Perhaps a newly single male may be a higher risk, but a woman in her fifties, with a kid, and being helped by public assistance? I don't think so. All I have time to do is drive to work, deal with the divorce, parent my kid, sign up for adult school to get a better paying career, eat, sleep and do the whole thing over the next day!! So today I am trying to process some anger at them AND my STBXRAH!!!

Thank you to all who chimed in with their ESH...priceless for me!!

Aline · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you for putting your needs first... Put your own air mask on first... I'm just beginning to learn that now, actually, and wow what a self-destructive habit I've made of putting my needs aside all the time because of guilt. Here's to learning to take care of ourselves! Hip-hip-hurray ;D

Maresie · Senior Member

I have some experience of the rehab visiting. I think it is remarkably difficult to go visit someone in rehab when you don't feel supportive. From what you say his family is remarkably supportive of him. They don't have the same degree of ambivalence.

It is perfectly okay to be ambivalent. The whole issue about divorce over the holidays is not really that big a deal.for me. The holidays dont need to have that much mystique. Divorce whenever it comes is difficult. Perhaps in a sober living environment he will have people to talk to. They certainly do a lot of counselling. I would guess a lot of relationships break up by the time someone has got to rehab.

When the ex A was in rehab I was absolutely furious that I had to handle everything. In the meantime I.got these instructions about how I should behave. In the meantime the ex A had a number of medical issues he tried to dope me in on. I felt i.should walk on egg shells around them. In hindsight I know categorically the ex A never intended to stay sober for one moment. The emphasis I got from thge rehab was always I.shoukd put my feelings aside.

I didn't I had those feelings and processed then. I did not go to visit because I was taking care of myself. I set limits.

None of that went doiwn too well.

You are entitled to your feelings. You are also entitled to a quiet peaceful Christmas. The divorce is just starting there is plenty of opportunity to meet he 8snt going to.fall off the earth.

Maresie

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Aline - Thank you for your ESH... I know what you mean!! I am just beginning to see how self-destructive my habits of wanting to be liked/loved so I go beyond the norm, are!!! As I am exploring my behaviors, I am not sure where this comes from, b/c as far as I can remember, I came from a very supportive, loving family. I'll have to remember that I am "Putting on my air mask on first!" And that means emotionally as well! You keep moving forward too, Aline... I read your posts daily and I am supporting you from afar!

Maresie - His FOO are very supportive... although, I think as of this date, only his mom has been to actually see him. His adult nephew helped me move the stove from the old house into my new house last week and mentioned to me that should I ever go back to him, this was his absolute last time bailing his uncle out. He said it in a joking manner, but I heard him loud and clear! He has his own family and is sick and tired of bailing out his uncle! Since his mother eventually died from the effects of alcoholism (although she was sober for many years before her death) he is particularly sensitive to this kind of behavior. Of course, I told him I am never going back. It was the first time I had actually said it to one of my STBX's family. But he understood... and dare I say I think he approved. So basically, his family is supportive of him from the periphery... my guess is that they will visit him on Christmas day.

Ambivalence is really a description of my son right now. Me, I think that I am sitting on an anger time bomb. Things are pretty smooth - because there is peace in my home from day to day - but should something not go my way, I can feel the rage start to boil up. And I don't mean "go my way" in terms of controlling the situation, but for example, finding out that you can't afford auto insurance b/c the insurance companies jack your rates up once they find out you are separated or divorcing. I am trying to rebuild my life, and there are things that keep coming up that seem to hammer me back down. THAT is when I feel the ugly anger at my STBXRAH. So yea, it's still under the surface. Even my F2F meetings don't seem to help with that... I mean, they help me temper it so that I am not always angry, or that I don't react out of anger, and they help me to chant "It is what it is," over and over, but I HATE that this "Is what it is." If that makes any sense.

So all your shares are helping me to realize that seeing him may do HIM some good, but it probably won't help ME at all. I know he is doing well. I hear that he's losing weight and looking better. That's all I need, really, since I am trying to move forward WITHOUT him.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond! Love you all!

-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Saturday 16th of December 2017 02:27:16 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

And too...you might want to talk with some legal higher powers and/or consumer higher powers about the prejudice in the insurance process. Being separated does seem like a push against risk which is mainly how they price their premiums. Turn it over to HP and have them explain and justify why you should give them more of your necessary funds rather than other necessary industries. Just a thought. ((((hugs)))) smile

WestMan · Senior Member

Hey there Posies&Puppies. We're kind of in the same boat. I don't know if this is right or not but I'll tell you the way I have viewed this. I have given myself the best Christmas present possible. It has occurred to me that some friends and family with partial information may view my decisions as being mean. But, I don't care. In fact I think it does me a favor by letting me know where I stand with certain people.

I feel like you can serve him now without reservation or guilt but I suggest doing what you can live with.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Posies i like what maresie said about hes in a good place to get support if hes served. Uou seem to be in a place of courage sp good for you. As for that rage and anger. That came to me a short time into recovery. An intense anger as if it was finally safe ebpugh for me to let it out but it was pretty intenae for a while then it wasnt. I do admit durong that time my ex ah got an earful for a while. Left me with some amends still to make but it went as abruptly as it arrived but i do believe it went wheb i learned forgiveness and found it. Could be your anger is part of the healing process for now.

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry - You know, I got a great insurance agent... I could tell from his pictures on his desk that he was a single parent. So I like to think that is the biggest reason I got a decent rate and not a lot of questions (like some of the other many quotes I got). Maybe when my life calms down I may bring the subject of an unfair rating system up to someone in power... b/c it just stinks!

Westman - "I feel like you can serve him now without reservation or guilt but I suggest doing what you can live with." Thank you for this! It is hard for me to feel like I am giving me the best Christmas gift, but when I read your post, you are exactly right! On Christmas Eve, I will toast to you, your ESH, and hope you are having a peaceful night! smile

el-cee - Everyone is right about he being in the best physical place for this to happen. He will have support. I find it interesting that you said that "Could be your anger is part of the healing process for now." The more I think about it, the more I am prone to agree with you. I think it is my HP's way of keeping me from minimizing the consequences of his actions - something I am very good at, unfortunately. I tend to think if only I did better... more loving, more supportive, more... you name it! My friend told me (shortly after moving out), "You were/are the most giving, loving person I have ever met! You have given up so much dealing with him... you have always put yourself LAST. Perhaps it's time for you to put yourself (and your son) FIRST!" I laughed, but the longer I am with AL-Anon, I know she is right... but the weird thing is, I know that I deserve better... but I don't seem to put those words into actions for myself! It is a true puzzler why I do this even though I "Know better." I mean the saying is, 'When you know better, you do better," right? Weird.

Update: Had lunch with my SIL. One of the things we talked about was if she could possibly take my son to see his dad for a short time on Christmas day. She said she wasn't going to go see AH on Christmas day, so she saw him yesterday. But she did say that she would ask the nephew to take my son. She said that RAH seemed to still be doing well, and oddly enough, it was the one visit she didn't have to awkwardly answer his queries about myself or his son. During the "share time" he spoke of ACCEPTANCE... so she thought that was a step in the right direction. She thought having DS visit would be a good thing for him... but she understood my raw feelings right now. She then expressed to KID that no matter what happens in the future, she wanted him to know that the family all loved him unconditionally, and he would always be considered family... because he was! I haven't told her, but I have thought for awhile now that she knows what is coming (divorce petition) b/c she divorced her 2nd husband for far less than what my AH was doing... and she has mentioned more than once that she loved her brother, but she just couldn't understand how I could've put up with so much for so long! It was a nice lunch.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you .. so glad you had a good lunch and you got some resolve on doing what was best for you. â¤â¤â¤

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

PnP - your lunch sounds truly positive as does your SIL. It touched my heart what she shared with your son as so often extended family members feel as if they must choose sides - good for you and him that she seems to be/have some level of Emotional Balance. It does seem that each day presents you with opportunities to grow, explore, learn and heal - it's been a pleasure seeing you use the program to move yourself forward. Keep doing what you're doing - you are wearing it well.

(((Hugs))) - make it a great day!

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you, Serenity... I hope you have a wonderful week!

IAH - I know, it touched my heart as well... I got teary-eyed when she was saying this b/c when you divorce your spouse, you also separate from his family... and I have been intertwined with them since I was in middle school! I was feeling like the odd man out and I was missing them.
I am trying to progress in my program. I began Step 4, only to take a break due to so many things/people vying for my time. But things are slowing down somewhat, so I think I need to begin again. Progress not Perfection, right? LOL!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene