The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today appears to be a particularly good day, full of graditude.
Believe me this is something I have struggled with alot.....it may not be the life I dreamed for or long for, but it mine and I am thankful for it. Yes even with the state my marriage is in today, no communication, no affection, no nothing. I can look past the empty feeling that those thoughts can bring open up and be thankful.
Even though the past three days have been a struggle, once I opened myself up a little more, I realized there are lessons I am to be learning. I've learnt a little more about mediation, and have done so faithfully these past three days. The mindfullness has helped enormously. Will I meditate daily, probably not, but I know I can find ways to put it to use.
I've learnt what "caring" for an AH means.....I had it in my head that was all doing physical stuff, for lack of better words, wifey stuff, laundry, cooking...etc. No it also meant for me, the constant worry, let his action consume me, my daily thoughts. Not anymore. Once I realised that those caring thoughts should be directed to me....a huge light bulb moment and huge relief was felt.
The lack of communication that is happening right now, had been driving me crazy (because I let it), taking a step back, it has actually been good for me. No longer focusing on the why he keeps is back to me, why he won't talk......frankly I don't care. If it is supposed to be a mind game, manipulation, control.....I'm at peace in my own quiet. I will speak if spoken to with respect. I don't need the pleasantries, I can turn within to calm my day.
So today I am very grateful for this life. It had been hurting me, because I let it. Tomorrow will be a new day. I may take a few steps back, if so, it will because I need to learn some more. I may move forward because I let go of what was holding me back.
Today.....today is beautiful.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
Awesome share and awesome awareness! I am reminded that all we have is today, just this day and this too shall pass. Hang in there and good on you for finding gratitude - it does truly help center me too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I've learnt what "caring" for an AH means.....I had it in my head that was all doing physical stuff, for lack of better words, wifey stuff, laundry, cooking...etc. No it also meant for me, the constant worry, let his action consume me, my daily thoughts. Not anymore. Once I realised that those caring thoughts should be directed to me....a huge light bulb moment and huge relief was felt.
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I felt the same way. I thought caring for him meant carrying him. Not so. I have decided to pursue a separation and since then I have been feeling even more positive and things have been so much calmer at home. Just because I am focusing on what I want and what I need and just being light and polite to him. I don't need to have heavy conversations or rage at him or do anything. I am doing what I need to do to protect myself and I can feel grateful that we are still able to be polite and civil to one another and even I have been enjoying his company to an extent because I am no longer hanging realistic expectations of my happily ever after on him. The second that I accepted that there might be a better future for me first in recovery and dealing with my own crap and later with a partner who I choose from a healthier position blew my mind and I am no longer dependent on him for my future. I can have a future that involves him if that is right - or that doesn't. I can direct my care towards myself and my son.
Don't mind the sound of the applause coming from Hawaii ladies. What a marvelous recovery sharing. I have always love the power of recovery. Keep on keeping on!! (((((hugs)))))
